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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be pissed off that exs new girlfriend is making enquiries about me?

27 replies

HamsterDam · 05/06/2013 02:03

this is trivial i know. split 6 months ago, tried to stay friends but 2months ago cut all contact. i have no desire to be with ex but i know im not over the relationship. ex is with someone, second relationship since we split up.
anyway work friend tells me exs new girlfriend has asked him about me, what im like etc.. he is a mutual friend.
it knocked me for 6 i am trying my best to move on and as i say im not there yet but having to hear/think about them at work just felt like such a thump to the stomach.
why would she want to know about me?i feel like telling him she has done this/find out why? or is it normal to want to know about new partners ex?
probably complete over reaction just wanredbto vent and get some perspective

OP posts:

Rulesgirl · 05/06/2013 02:08

Well I would think its natural for her to want to know about you. You and your ex have a history and its only natural that he might talk about you and she probably is wary and sees you as competition and wants to know what she is up against.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 02:16

She is insecure and is trying to find out if you are a threat.

Ridiculous and pathetic, forget her.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 05/06/2013 02:16

shouldn't she be asking ex anything she wants to know not my work colleague?
im no competition to her. i wouldn't have him back if he was the last man standing.
maybe he is has told her im a nutter.
just feel like they have invaded my personal domain in a way by having to hear this at work. iyswim

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 05/06/2013 02:21

You need to say to your workmate "I am not interested in ex or any of his carrying ons. Please do not try and involve me in any conversation about him. We have split up and what he does no longer concerns me. " You can't stop him or her acting like fools, but you can stop being involved in anything to do with them.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 02:21

She wont ask him as then she will be outing herself as jealous and insecure. Have a word with your friend and thank him for telling you but say that you would rather not hear about it in future.

Mimishimi · 05/06/2013 02:25

She might be jealous and insecure. However, I think it's far more likely to ascertain whether or not she has landed a jerk. If it's possible, give the impression of being sweet, calm and lovely ... would also try to make it known, anonymously of course, that he had another relationship since you especially if you find out she's not aware of that.

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 02:32

mimi good point. The OP is the last-but-one, why the fixation on her? Unless she has similar enquiries about the most recent, and the one before the OP....

Original poster

HamsterDam · 05/06/2013 02:47

thanks all. i have told my friend at work not to tell her any details about me and that i don't want to know about either of them. sweet and lovely might be a stretch too far for me but my colleague knows some of the problems i have had with him if he tells her that he's heard ex is a dick that's up to him.
i won't be doing anything about it, sooner or later she will out herself as insecure or realise he's a jerk,not my problem anymore

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 05/06/2013 03:58

The OP is likely the last long-term partner. The other gf was likely very short-term and meaningless.

Mimishimi · 05/06/2013 04:05

Well, I'd let your friend just casually say "Oh, my friend X? She was just one in a long line, I'm afraid" and tell her to leave it at that.

Hissy · 05/06/2013 07:43

May be she suspects YOU may not be the person HE says you are. May be her instincts are tripping already!

Either way, you told your workmate to butt out, so problem resolved.

My ex has a scary ExW, she tried to friend me on FB, like yeah, sure i'll have you knowing all about me.. no. Invasion of privacy, blocked right there and then.

Try not to get steamed up, you're out of that turmoil now, focus on someone who's worth it; YOU!

CloudsAndTrees · 05/06/2013 07:54

Whether she was unreasonable to ask or not depends on what your ex has said about you to her. It's not fair to automatically put her down as insecure, she might have a valid reason to feel that way. Your ex could have been slagging you off which might make her wonder if its an alarm bell in the early stages of their relationship, or he might keep mentioning you in a positive way, and no ones going to take their new boyfriend always going on about the ex well.

You shouldn't be pissed off with your ex and his girlfriend. If you feel like an intrusion has been made then blame it on your stirring friend who felt the need to tell you about it at work.

IneedAsockamnesty · 05/06/2013 08:16

Some people when they get into a new relationship spend a huge amount of time really ripping into what a horrible and dreadful person the ex was now sometimes its very true but most of the time its to justify there own bad behaviour.

If the situation is so bad that contact is removed especially if children are involved its usually an indication of something very lacking or something very wrong with the person who has not got the children( not always but most) its either a lack of desire to challenge things so not caring enough or an actual safety related reason.

With one ex doing this its hard to work out but with more than one its fairly certain but when your in the first flush of love its hard to see beyond that.

If your sensible its quite normal to ask questions because that can help you work it out.

Just after I had become serious with the only person I have ever really loved in that way,he was arrested as an ex had made an allegation of violence normally I would have left so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground but I spoke to his ex wife first they had been married over 25 years and she said that she had never seen any indicator of violent or abusive behaviour.

It turned out he had not been with in 50 miles of the woman making the claim the child she claimed was his to everybody who would listen could not possibly have been as she was already born when they first met and she was a violent abuser not him. If I hadn't have asked questions during that time I would have lost out on 11 very happy years.

If most people she asks say your nice kind ect then its going to be a good indicator of an issue with him to her.

StuntGirl · 05/06/2013 08:20

"You shouldn't be pissed off with your ex and his girlfriend. If you feel like an intrusion has been made then blame it on your stirring friend who felt the need to tell you about it at work."

I agree with this.

RoooneyMara · 05/06/2013 08:33

I'm sorry for you, it's inappropriate to be reminded of or involved on some level with the new relationship.

I have a very close male friend I've known for about 24 years, he has a girlfriend who is VERY insecure (for good reasons, she has had a rough time) and is very young...

he suggested that we meet up (we live many miles away) and I said no, because whatever I do, she will be watching me and considering me a threat, I shan't even be able to hug him, and it's ridiculous really.

I'd love to see him but I would rather just keep out of it tbh.

You have every right to move on.

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/06/2013 08:33

If you and ex were together a long time then i think its only normal for her to be curious and maybe insecure. Also you say you are not over him fully yet - this is why it bothers you. If you were completely over him and had moved on. Chances are you wouldn't care what she asked. Also normal. Don't beat yourself up over it. :)

Original poster

HamsterDam · 05/06/2013 11:42

i think most likely he has slagged me off, things were pretty rough the last couple of months and since, we both did and said things we shouldn't have.
there is a child involved- mine not his we were together 3years he wanted to keep contact but hasn't seen my dc since he started seeing gf 3 months ago so I've told him not to bother and cut all contact.
im annoyed with myself for having the reaction i did, brought it back to me how im really not over it yet.
i will keep a dignified silence, im not engaging with him anymore.

OP posts:

BridgetBidet · 05/06/2013 13:38

She's just curious, I think it's perfectly normal. If she was slagging you off or bad mouthing you I would kind of understand your reaction but she's simply shown a bit of curiousity about you.

As others have said it's not their fault, it's the friend who told you. He shouldn't even have repeated it to you to be honest.

Tanith · 05/06/2013 13:45

I think it's a very good idea to find out about a new boyfriend's ex. How many times do we hear of a domestic violence situation where the boyfriend/husband has abused previous partners?

You think he may have been slagging you off - another warning sign to be checked out, I should think.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2013 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow · 05/06/2013 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen · 05/06/2013 15:48

It's natural to want to know more about your partner's Xs, not least because it's a good way of working out the honesty of your partner. For example, if he claims the marriage broke down because you had MH issues, any self-respecting woman would love to know the X's story in comparison, though usually she has to settle for looking for red flags alone.

I know someone, for example, who's X really was a bit loopy. If I hadn't known that as fact from other sources, I'd have been a bit if I'd been his GF and he'd told me that.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 05/06/2013 15:50

can't see how her asking my work friend what im like would shed light on any abuse issues really. she was asking about my personality not how he treated me.
ok so she's just curious, sort of get it but going digging to friends is a not something i have ever done/would do

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 05/06/2013 16:07

Did you bin him for abuse? SHe might be a very sensible woman who has heard from him that you are a mad cow that he 'had to' give a slap to, or that you were an uncontrollable slut which is why he now has to spy on, stalk and isolate his current GF, so she is finding out how much of a liar he is. It's a hallmark of abusers to paint all their XPs as wicked bitches.

Original poster

HamsterDam · 05/06/2013 16:25

i binned him for being an arse but with hindsight i think there was an element of abuse/control in there.
unless my colleague has backed up exs theory about me then she hasn't took any warnings she might have got because she's with him anyway

OP posts:

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