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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my dad BU?

52 replies

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 18:42

My mum died a few years ago and my grandparents decided to move 200 miles from where they were living to a house just across the road from my dad.

They're not infirm or anything like that, but they are a bit...eccentric. Very sweet but infuriating.

I think my dad has always resented the invasion of 'his space'. They pop round every day and even though its harmless and sweet and all the rest of it, they drive him mad because he works from home and they're constantly interrupting.

Dad has a cat that is about a kilo overweight (she adopted him, just turned up one day and never left). So the cat is on a very strict diet. But every time my grandma's over at my dad's house she feeds the cat. Dad has told her time and time not to do it because ultimately it's bad for the cat's health but my grandma just doesn't listen. I don't understand why she ignores my dad's wishes but it's been going on for months now.

Anyway, I spoke to dad today and he said he felt terrible because yet again he caught my grandma feeding the cat behind his back and he went ballistic at her and practically threw her and my granddad out of the house. He told my granddad she was never allowed back unless she could promise never to go anywhere near the cat's food.

It's all become a bit political and family relationships are now a bit strained. Dad feels really bad but can't see how else he could've handled it. After months and months of pleading, begging, cajoling, scolding, telling, asking, etc.

Was he BU do you think?

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 04/06/2013 18:44

No it sounds as though he tried to be patient!

Helpyourself · 04/06/2013 18:44

I think you should stay out of it. Poor you.

PoppyWearer · 04/06/2013 18:44

Are they his parents or PILs?

Spidermama · 04/06/2013 18:45

Yes but he was kind of driven to it.
He needs to make his feelings clear earlier before he gets to the gasket blowing stage and his parents need to listen.

Easy to say I know.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 04/06/2013 18:46

Doesn't sound unreasonable to me. She has clearly chosen to ignore his wishes, and the well being of the cat, so no, I don't think she has any right to expect to be allowed back in the house!

complexnumber · 04/06/2013 18:46

Are they his in-laws?

pictish · 04/06/2013 18:47

Are they his parents?

He is nbu. He asked repeatedly but was ignored, so it's their tough titty.

LoSiento · 04/06/2013 18:49

No, one warning before going ballistic at her would have been reasonable. If you're asked not to do something in someone else's house and ignore the request, you deserve what you get.

jessjessjess · 04/06/2013 18:50

I work from home. I'd be infuriated before they started endangering the cat - I'm surprised he didn't snap sooner. He is not BU, though he probably should have put up some boundaries way sooner.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 18:51

Sorry yeah they're his in laws, my mum's parents.

I just think he got to the end of his tether. He feels terrible though!

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/06/2013 18:59

Are you sure your Grandma is able to remember what he has told her?

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 19:02

Well we had wondered whether she's going a bit senile. She definitely has her moments when you can tell she's a bit confused about stuff. But in other respects she's very on the ball and this feels like she knows what she's doing. It feels...passive aggressive. Exactly like my mother!

OP posts:

Justfornowitwilldo · 04/06/2013 19:06

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

His ILs moved into the house opposite him?

This thread is too scary for me.

pictish · 04/06/2013 19:10

So his in laws moved into the house opposite??!!
Good God - that kinda IS space invading isn't it?

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 19:20

Yeah it's nuts. My mum was dying and they moved down and then my mum died (my dad jokes she did it to get away from them!) and now he's kind of stuck with them.

My mum's brother buggered off to live in New Zealand.

Poor dad. He's so laid back most of the time. And then he just lets it all build up and then he loses his temper.

I might tell him about this thread. It'll make him feel better to know you don't think he's BU.

OP posts:

alcibiades · 04/06/2013 20:17

I also agree that he's not being unreasonable. I think he's displayed the patience of a saint, really. Their moving right opposite and then insisting on coming over every day is a massive intrusion; and then to ignore your Dad's requests about not feeding the cat is extremely disrepectful.

Your Dad might feel bad about his response to all this, but he is not in the wrong. Although it could be that your grandparents are wanting to be in the house every day and feeding the cat as some kind of obscure way of feeling close to their deceased daughter, they're showing no respect to the man who was married to her for all those years.

Maybe your Dad could put some distance between him and them - literally. Could he sell up and move somewhere else? And, of course, not let them have keys to his new house?

ChaoticTranquility · 04/06/2013 20:27

Your dad is DNBU.

Your grandparents are being very disrespectful. If I were your dad I'd be moving and not giving my new address out.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 20:36

It's a very strange set up because they do quite a bit of ironing for him. They're always popping round asking if there's any ironing. Dad thinks they're obsessed with it. He gives them some to do because they won't shut up about it otherwise but dad really couldn't care less about having ironed clothes!

Every time they pop down to the shop (more than once a day) they stop by dads and ask him if he wants anything and most if the time he says no. The point is, they're always bending over backwards and going out of their way to do stuff for him. Which is why it feels so passive aggressive when they keep ignoring his rules in his own house and start rummaging through his cupboards looking for the cat food that he's had to hide.

It's like he can't say anything because they're so nice and helpful. That's passive aggression though, isn't it?

(I'm really only talking about my grandma here. My granddad is lovely).

OP posts:

greenfolder · 04/06/2013 20:44

this happened with my mum- her parents just announced that they were moving into the next street. i was in my twenties at the time and never understood why they drove my parents mad!

suffice to say i now understand.

your grandparents want something to do. that something is your dad. could you intervene? Could you tell your grandma that the vet is having a go at your dad for the cats weight and he is getting really stressed about it? could you emphasise that he doesnt like any one round between 9 and 5 because of work? could he pay someone to stand naked in the lounge next time they visit? it could work.

incidentally, my mum moved 200 miles in the opposite direction when she retired and left them here!

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 20:50

I don't think they'd listen. We've tried the whole 'vet's orders' thing. But it doesn't register.

They had a dog a few years ago that they basically killed through giving it loads and loads of crap to eat. The dog used to have its own box of maltesers ffs. We used to shout at them about it. We spoke to the local vet and asked her to tell them to pack it in. She gave them a stern talking to but they didn't listen to her either. And then they were surprised and devastated when the dog died. I don't know why they're so obtuse.

Dad talks about moving now and again. But he's really settled where he is. Got a good social life, etc. He feels like they'd be chasing him out.

The more I write. The more I realise how dysfunctional this all actually is.

OP posts:

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 04/06/2013 20:59

God your poor dad, no wonder he snapped

I don't think he did anything wrong at all and he should stick to his guns about the cat. Could he only let them in when he wants visitors and ignore the door the rest of the time, that's what I'd do

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 21:03

Maybe it's a good thing that this has happened. It could be an opportunity to re-establish some boundaries.

If dad ignores the door they go round the side of the house and look in his study window. He'd have to work with the curtains drawn.

OP posts:

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 04/06/2013 21:08

Sounds like they are really rude and overbearing, he should definitely set some boundaries

I feel really bad for him!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/06/2013 21:21

It could be passive aggression. It could be early dementia - forgetfulness, obsessing and worrying about things a bit, like the cat.

How old is she?

pictish · 04/06/2013 21:28

Oooh it's tough isn't it? This would drive me bonkers. Your poor dad!

I suppose they wanted to support him after your mum died, and haven't backed off since then. At least, I hope that's why they moved into the house opposite!

Yes, they sound very intrusive and lacking boundaries. Unaware and unwilling to take note.

I don't know what to advise him really....maybe his going off the deep end today will set the wheels in motion for some long lasting changes.
If you can be bothered it might be worth talking to your gparents about it, and highlighting your dad's right to work in peace and look after his cat as he bloody well sees fit.

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