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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my dad BU?

52 replies

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 18:42

My mum died a few years ago and my grandparents decided to move 200 miles from where they were living to a house just across the road from my dad.

They're not infirm or anything like that, but they are a bit...eccentric. Very sweet but infuriating.

I think my dad has always resented the invasion of 'his space'. They pop round every day and even though its harmless and sweet and all the rest of it, they drive him mad because he works from home and they're constantly interrupting.

Dad has a cat that is about a kilo overweight (she adopted him, just turned up one day and never left). So the cat is on a very strict diet. But every time my grandma's over at my dad's house she feeds the cat. Dad has told her time and time not to do it because ultimately it's bad for the cat's health but my grandma just doesn't listen. I don't understand why she ignores my dad's wishes but it's been going on for months now.

Anyway, I spoke to dad today and he said he felt terrible because yet again he caught my grandma feeding the cat behind his back and he went ballistic at her and practically threw her and my granddad out of the house. He told my granddad she was never allowed back unless she could promise never to go anywhere near the cat's food.

It's all become a bit political and family relationships are now a bit strained. Dad feels really bad but can't see how else he could've handled it. After months and months of pleading, begging, cajoling, scolding, telling, asking, etc.

Was he BU do you think?

OP posts:

ConfusedPixie · 04/06/2013 21:45

Is there a way he can install a gate and lock it to stop them coming down the side of the house?

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2013 22:00

Are they bending over backwards? Or are they just interfering?

If there is no incipient dementia I personally think they're interfering pains. I feel sorry for your dad.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 22:05

I think they're bored and a bit lonely and need my dad as a project. My dad understands this and tries to humour them. They're constantly looking for things they can do for him.

But it is really quite intrusive. I feel it a bit when I'm down there visiting. They can be quite intense.

What can you do though? They're elderly and they're family. Obviously we all feel responsible for them.

OP posts:

pictish · 04/06/2013 22:14

Well your dad can start by opening up as discussion as to why he lost his temper. A pleasant but firm discussion, where they are made to understand that they must respect his work and his home, by not persisting when the door is not answered, and not flouting his instructions about the cat. They must agree that they will no longer go round the side of the house, and they will no longer feed the cat.
Failure to agree will result in a fall out, which no one wants to have.

They must be told and held accountable. They don't just get to make a project out of someone because they're bored. I could not stand it if I were your dad...I would end up feeling guilty and angry when I had asked for none of it. They need to find something else to do.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 22:18

That's it Pictish. He feels guilty and angry a lot of the time. But you're right, they can't make a project out if him when he doesn't want it. They'll be so hurt though. But in a way they've brought it on themselves. Dad is finding it increasingly untenable.

Hopefully they can clear the air soon.

OP posts:

pictish · 04/06/2013 22:31

Well of course it is untenable...they are forcing themselves on him daily. Very few people have that level of intrusion on their home you know.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 22:33

I guess none of us, dad included, really appreciated how intrusive it actually is.

OP posts:

pictish · 04/06/2013 22:39

But he felt it.

It's infuriaying, and date I say it, quite disrespectful and controlling of them...although needless to say, they won't see it that way.

Boundaries must be calmly established by your dad, and then accepted by your overbearing grandparents.

Your dad has asked for none of this and it's not fair.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 22:41

He always tolerated it because I guess he felt a bit sorry for them. This has really shed some new perspective, thanks all.

Time for some boundary setting I think.

OP posts:

DumSpiroSpero · 04/06/2013 22:42

Your dad sounds like a very patient man.

If my parents moved opposite my DH in those circumstances I can guarantee the house would be on the market within 24 hours!

ByTheWishingWell · 04/06/2013 22:45

I'm another one of the opinion that you dad has the patience of a saint!

I'm sure your grandparents are genuinely trying to be helpful, but if there is no onset of dementia, they should be capable of understanding that they are actually being very intrusive. If your dad doesn't want them there every day, he should be able to tell them that; it might be an awkward conversation, but they have forced him into that situation.

And I would be furious about the cat! My cat a few years ago died after a neighbour refused to stop feeding him unhealthy food (washed down with saucers of cream) even after we informed her he was on a very strict diet for health reasons. I think your dad is taking reasonable steps to protect his pet's health by making it clear that visitors won't be welcome if they go against his wishes in that respect.

I hope it gets resolved, and you don't end up stuck in the middle!

pictish · 04/06/2013 22:45

I think they've watched too many sitcoms myself.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 22:46

Too scared to ring my grandma in case she mentions it to me and then I'm officially 'involved'.

OP posts:

Pimpf · 04/06/2013 22:51

Can he change the locks and put a gate up to stop them going round the house?

He sounds wonderfully patient, I'm sure I'd have cracked a lot sooner.

No real helpful advice but no your dad is not being unreasonable

CandidaDoyle · 04/06/2013 23:04

I can see this situation is not particularly easy for anyone. I can see why your poor dad snapped. But being generous, it must be hard for your grandparents too. They left behind their previous lives to move 200 miles away, I guess it's not easy for them to establish new friendships, so focus all their energies on your dad, inadvertently sending him loopy.

Are there any social groups or new hobbies your grandparent can take up instead?

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2013 23:11

Thing is, AnnieSloan , no-one actually asked them to move in the first place...

pictish · 04/06/2013 23:15

To the house across the road.

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 23:27

They don't have a key, but because they can see whether he's in he always has to answer the door anyway. His driveway's really wide so putting up a gate wouldn't work. It'd have to be a bloody wide gate! It's a very weird shaped detached house so hard to explain.

On the one hand, they're family, they uprooted themselves to come and live in our hometown (albeit uninvited) and they're elderly and lonely and bored.

But there comes a point where it really is too munch of an imposition. Doesn't stop you feeling like an asshole though.

OP posts:

Original poster

MinesADecaff · 04/06/2013 23:27

Poor dad. It's such a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:

pictish · 04/06/2013 23:42

Yes, it's a bit of a shame for them, but I'm sure you and your dad will always treat them well. You sound like very caring people.

However, there is nothing wrong in establishing boundaries. Everyone else has to respect them after all.

"If I don't answer the door it is usually because I am too busy with work. Please can you not come round the side of the house, as I have to stop what I'm doing. If I don't answer, it's not personal, but simply inconvenient."

Come on...you can't say fairer than that! He's allowed to say that!

lisianthus · 05/06/2013 00:37

Frosted glass or something of that nature on the study window? Your poor dad. He has the patience of a saint. He must be feeling as if he has two stalkers.

The blowup was a good thing as it doesn't sound from your stories as if they understand or will respect a reasonable request. If your dad does decide to have some sort of "explanatory discussion" with them, the danger with thick-skinned people like this is that they will take it as an apology and resume normal service.

Thank goodness he is willing to fight for the cat. What they are doing (and did to their dog) is animal cruelty.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 05/06/2013 00:49

Your Dad is not being U in the slightest. He's being a bloody saint. I'd have had them under the patio by now!!

Do they drive? If not, could he move a little way away - too far for them to walk to, but not so far that he couldn't maintain his social life where he is?

Else he's just going to have to stop them coming in - keep them at the door and say 'Sorry, now isn't a good time, I'm working' and keep saying 'Please don't ask me if I need anything when you go to the shop, I'm working and it's disturbing me' - essentially he's either going to have to move or get firm with them. If they get upset that's their problem.

Mimishimi · 05/06/2013 01:30

Your dad is not BU at all. Poor man. He should tell them straight that they can come over every, say, second day at such and such a time eg (6-7pm) but they are not to disturb him otherwise. Of course, sounds like getting them to stick to that would be an issue. Has he considered going on some long trips abroad?

Bogeyface · 05/06/2013 01:37

Perhaps they are trying to keep a connection to your mum via your dad? Perhaps your GM is thinking that he is struggling to do householdy things since she passed away?

I feel for them, they must be lost. But, your dad WNBU. He asked, and asked, and asked....

Lazyjaney · 05/06/2013 01:55

Omigod your poor Dad. I'm surprised you even had to ask, OP, they sound very odd.

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