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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting people to clear up after themselves

26 replies

ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 10:51

My house is full. On a normal week there are two adults, an almost 16 year old and two toddlers, other weeks there are 3 aged 7,10 and 11 added in.

I spend all day picking up after them all. And it is driving me insane.

This morning I came down to find that the kitchen I cleaned last night is littered with bits of toast, bread crumbs, jam and butter still out and splashes on the surface along with cornflakes and milk Confused

I am not normally up with the children first thing. I breastfeed during the night. DH gets up at 6, has his shower, gets ready for work and by then the kids are up. He gives them breakfast. If he does change them then I have nappies littering the floor and dirty clothes everywhere.

AIBU to expect him to put dirty clothes for the wash, nappy in the bin, bowls in the kitchen, food back in the fridge and wipe the surface?

He thinks I am as I get a half hour lay in on my own. And that I expect too much.

OP posts:
McNewPants2013 · 04/06/2013 11:09

YANBU.

takes 2 seconds to put a nappy in the bin and clothes infront of the washing machine. The children are old enough to tidy away after themselves ( apart from the toddlers)

Keztrel · 04/06/2013 11:11

YANBU. Don't pick up after them. Like McNew says, it only takes seconds for them to do it themselves. I'm not blaming you for their laziness but they won't do it if you keep doing it for them.

HazleNutt · 04/06/2013 11:15

So according to your DH (and DC), is it hard to put the clothes away and clean up after breakfast? If it is, why do they think it's fair that you should single-handedly do that for all of them? If it's not hard, why can't they do it themselves? You're not their slave.

MrsMarigold · 04/06/2013 11:17

My husband is like yours and totally unhelpful and when he does help he makes such a mess it's a double edged sword, plus he pays little attention to me is insanely tight despite earning a reasonable living, today I feel old frumpy and worn down by drudgery. If I complain he goes on about his hard work fine but like you all I want is respect.

musickeepsmesane · 04/06/2013 11:24

Funny, I was feeling a it like a maid today. I was really cross and will be firing warning shots when everyone comes home. Go on strike. I have taken the occasional maddie and just tidied everything into the bin. After all, if it is on the floor it is rubbish - right?? Maybe a rota would help for you? I think it is incredibly rude that no one cleared up after breakfast. 9 times out of 10 my lot do. It is an expectation of mine. The youngest need training and the oldest retraining.
30 mins lay in after BF during the night, lucky you Shock Your DH needs a reality check. Can you tell I am cheesed off? Grin

Keztrel · 04/06/2013 11:28

Read this thread (and a million others like it).

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 12:32

Oh he'll do housework... Just but cleaning up after himself.

I'm not going to mention the shit up the back of the loo...

OP posts:
Keztrel · 04/06/2013 12:49

So does he think you should clean up after him or does he just not care about the mess?

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 14:26

He just doesn't care! Says he forgets. I find the milk out often too. How hard is it, get milk out, pour in bowl, put back in fridge... Dur....

He's nows I'm in a shit. I sent a lovely text message Shock

OP posts:
Keztrel · 04/06/2013 14:30

Forgets = can't be bothered so he leaves it for you to do. I'd tell him how it makes you feel shit. If he doesn't care that his behaviour makes you feel shit then you have a problem.

WandaDoff · 04/06/2013 14:36

My sympathies, the lazy cunt I live with does fuck all either. I hate being taken for granted Angry

HazleNutt · 04/06/2013 14:39

Ha forgets? I call BS. So he stands there in the kitchen, sees all the stuff that is out, all the crumbs on the counter and at the same time, forgets? What is he, a goldfish?
No, he just thinks that "Can't be bothered, ThisWay can do it".

Keztrel · 04/06/2013 14:43

Look at it this way. Everyone is capable of remembering to clean up after themselves and to practice basic hygiene (ie cleaning the loo when you've messed it up). Equally, everyone is naturally lazy and will take the path of least resistance. As you pick up after him, he will just take it for granted that you will do it and won't get into the habit of doing it himself. As you say he does housework, it's most likely he just doesn't realise how shit it makes you feel to be the dogsbody chasing around after everyone. If you tell him this and he's a decent human being, he will make an effort to change his crappy, lazy behaviour. If he refuses to acknowledge your feelings about this, he's a sexist twat who doesn't respect you and sees you as his inferior.

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 14:51

I've tried to talk to him Sad so many times Sad

I just get the he forgets/ is tired/ etc. I don't care if he doesn't do housework, that actually doesn't bother me much as I am at home all day. But the simple things bother me, the putting things away, putting his dirty kecks and socks in the linen basket etc.

OP posts:
Keztrel · 04/06/2013 14:59

But you said he does do housework?

I have a friend who has just divorced her H, who did fuck all round the house and would just sit there while she ran around him cooking and cleaning. He's only 30-something too so it's not like he was an old dinosaur Now they are divorced WHAT A SURPRISE he lives alone and is able to cook and clean for himself. He even cooked for her when she went round to see him. It is very odd, I don't know what happens to some people's heads when they get married, but she started to think that she should behave in a 'wifely' way when they got married and he started to be a thoughtless dick, and it all spiralled downhill from there.

I think it's a salvageable situation if there's still love there and you're both prepared to work at it and change your attitudes. But if he's not prepared to make an effort with his relationship and home, then I wouldn't like to spend my life as someone's skivvy.

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 15:16

Yes, he will do housework, what I mean is, I guess, that I would rate him pick up after himself that do housework, if I had to pick. I'd like him to do both.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 15:17

It also makes me feel like a crap wife, as ALL I seem to do is whine and moan.

OP posts:
Keztrel · 04/06/2013 15:31

Why do you think he leaves a trail of mess behind him then? Does he feel he's doing more than his fair share in terms of housework and childcare and that he doesn't have time to clear up? How do your discussions go, when you try to talk about it? Maybe you need to have another look at who does what round the house. You need to be able to trust each other that you're both pulling your weight and doing what needs to be done. Little things like tidying up are done so quickly and easily if you're both working together and not feeling resentful - I don't buy that he just 'forgets' to do it.

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 15:50

I do the talking and he looks at the floor and sulks...

OP posts:
Keztrel · 04/06/2013 15:53

So he's behaving like a child and there's no actual communication between you? Hopefully someone else will come along with advice on how to get through to someone like this - maybe re-post in Relationships?

Original poster
ThisWayForCrazy · 04/06/2013 15:59

Thank you for the advice so far Smile

OP posts:
Keztrel · 04/06/2013 16:14

You're welcome, I'm not sure I've been much help though! My advice is always to talk about everything and be honest about how you feel to each other (durr) but it sounds like you've tried that already. Good luck.

mamas12 · 04/06/2013 18:20

Bleugh what a child! Pick up his disgusting pants etc and either put them all in his briefcase and or car, not in a nice tidy bag, just as they are just open it up and throw them in.
Tell him that is exactly what you will do starting from tomorrow morning and Do It!
I put pants in briefcase and it worked Smile

Keztrel · 04/06/2013 18:57

Ha! That's rank mama - does he now pick up after himself then?

mamas12 · 04/06/2013 19:34

Oh he did, he was very angry when he opened his briefcase at the start of meeting!
Bit I did warn him what I would do and surprised he didn't find them sooner tbh
He did get better bit as he is now an ex I don't care that much anymore Wink