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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end our contact with FIL and ignore fathers day

37 replies

daydreamer1975 · 04/06/2013 07:53

This is a long story that has been going back years but I will try to give a simple version.

FIL and MIL live about 15 miles from us. Over the years, they have never had much to do with us. They would phone us/we would phone them inviting them over and then they would never turn up. MIL would make excuses but we would never hear from FIL.

MIL does not drive and if we want to see her, we have to go to her or bring her to us as he will not bring her.

We have no idea why he has gone like this as he drives to the west country twice a month to see his daughter.

To put it in context we see FIL maybe 4 times a year and MIL maybe 10 times a year. Yet they arrange to meet up with us maybe 30 times. We have often been expecting them at say 12 o'clock and then my daughter shows me pictures that have been uploaded to facebook of them at a Zoo in the west country with their daughters children.

I have no problem with his relationship with his daughter and other GC's and we are all really close but I did ask him to not tell my children about the fun he has when he is round if he is letting my kids down in the meantime (He seems to make a point of doing it and I feel like he is picking on the kids to get at us). This resulted in him refusing to speak to me and that was the last time I saw him.

DH would have walked away years ago but I have always encouraged a relationship to make an effort for his mum. I do feel sorry for MIL as she makes some effort but she has still played her part in letting the kids down on numerous occasions and the relationship is very one-sided.

However my 3 children have birthdays in the same month and he didn't call, or phone. We collected MIL from work and had to drop her home. My eldest was very upset that he had ignored her as she is most aware of the situation and being constantly let down by them. We later found out that he had been to see someone at the end of our road while the party was on yet he still let us drive MIL home and didn't pop in.

Fathers day is coming up but it is also my friends 40th Birthday. I have decided to attend the 40th birthday party with DH and kids and I will mail his present. This will be making a huge statement where they are concerned but I think it will be the break that needs making. I am fed up of always making excuses for them to the kids.

OP posts:

Jengnr · 04/06/2013 07:56

I wouldn't even send the present. He doesn't speak to you anyway so fuck him.

DiscoDonkey · 04/06/2013 07:58

I wouldn't hesitate to cut contact and I certainly wouldn't send a present.

TheRealFellatio · 04/06/2013 07:59

This is odd. Either he has huge issues with you, or with his son. Have you honestly no idea what that could be? I would certainly not bother to do anything for him on Father's Day, or any other day to be honest. The worst thing that can happen is that it will cause questions to be asked by MIL and a difficult but much needed conversation to be had. But at least you will know where you stand by the end of it.

ENormaSnob · 04/06/2013 07:59

Fuck 'em.

Seriously, life's way too short for people like this. Your fil is a cunt.

Don't post the present either.

Loulybelle · 04/06/2013 08:02

I wouldnt even send a present, mean spirited twat deserves no acknowledgement at all.

cocolepew · 04/06/2013 08:07

Like the others I wouldn't send a present. In fact I'd have nothing to do with them at all.

watchingout · 04/06/2013 08:07

He is not making an effort to be a father, FIL, or grandfather so why does he deserve any recognition on Fathers Day?!

Enjoy your friends party

Loulybelle · 04/06/2013 08:09

Lets face it, Fathers Day, is an acknowledgement of all the good dads out there, Does FIL deserve a gift? NOPE, Will he even appreciate it, NOPE.

If your DH wants to cut contact with his own parents, then he must have a pretty good reason, you should allow him to take the lead on this one.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 04/06/2013 08:12

Let your husband deal with him.

It's not up to you to have to decide anything. It never should have been.

It sounds like his absence from your lives would be no great loss, but make sure it's his on that does the deciding/telling/ignoring. Or you'll just be blamed as the evil DIL.

Trust one who knows ;-)

raisah · 04/06/2013 08:12

I hate to ask this but is your fil your dhs biological father? This may explain the distant behaviour and lack of contact. Obviously broaching the subject will cause massive tensions in the family, it is just an idea.
Do reduce contact and go to the party and enjoy quality time together.

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2013 08:13

There's obviously a back story with your DH and his father. I don't see any reason to send a present and to be honest, cutting him out won't be a huge task as you don't see him anyway.

Do you still want to see MiL?

pigletmania · 04/06/2013 08:37

Cut contact now, they sound awful. Don't send tat present he does not deserve it. You shoud have done it years ago, buttere is no time like te present

BAUagent · 04/06/2013 09:08

Why would you send a present? This man doesn't respect you or your family, and certainly not his son, so does not deserve to be acknowledged on a day to celebrate parenting. Fair enough that your DH feels sorry for his DM, but I don't understand how she can stand by and tolerate someone treating her son and GCs like that.

Trills · 04/06/2013 09:10

I agree with TheBirds - why are you choosing to keep or cut contact? They are your DH's family so why isn't he instigating contact or organising their visits or sending presents or choosing not to ?

Loulybelle · 04/06/2013 09:16

Could imagine DH does nothing concerning his family, because he just doesnt want too, OP says she encourages the contact.

I think OP you should just stop encouraging it, if DH really doesnt want to know them, then that should be his choice, FIL obviously doesnt bring much to the family.

Original poster

daydreamer1975 · 04/06/2013 09:37

I think DH had enough ages ago but I encouraged contact for the DC's and the rest of the family.

FIL is the type of man who at large family gatherings, he will pick on someone to try and get "a laugh". MIL is very much submissive in their relationship as is SIL

Often SIL will stand by and let FIL rip shreads out of her partner. FIL has only tried this a couple of times with us. DH sorted him out and then when he tried it with me I put him in his place.

This is the only reason I can think that our relationship is the way it is. He is so used to people being submissive with him.

The reason why I am choosing is because DH cut ties a long time ago. If MIL phones him, he will chat and be polite and if I ask him to pick her up he will. But he will take it or leave it. When we had a chat with FIL, he made it clear that the situation was my fault as being "the Woman" I should keep contact with MIL and I do not do this regularly enough. I laughed him out of the room but it is very clear that any contact or lack of contact will be seen as originating from me and not DH.

OP posts:

voucherprocon · 04/06/2013 09:48

Don't even send a present. Fuck him, he sounds like a nasty man and your kids deserve a better GP.

Loulybelle · 04/06/2013 09:51

So hes basically a bully and doesnt like people standing up to him, i think you should just forget about it.

Wont be long before he starts on your DC's.

AndHarry · 04/06/2013 09:57

I can understand you wanting to keep up a relationship for your children but your PIL (both of them) are hurting them. I think you're engaging in a pointless, damaging exercise and the best thing to do would be to stop initiating contact.

And don't send a present. He doesn't deserve one.

Original poster

daydreamer1975 · 04/06/2013 09:58

Thank you. Now I have written it down. I realise what I need to do.

I always knew he wasn't a very nice man but for the sake of MIL, SIL and DC's I allowed it to continue.

OP posts:

IKnowWhat · 04/06/2013 10:10

What a horrible man. I think this situation is a bit of a no-brainer.
I would carry on as you are. Keep in contact with MIL on a low key level and try and not get involved with FIL. Be honest with your kids. There is no reaon for them to be sad as they are not missing out on anything. Explain to them that he plays 'games' and that you don't want to be involved with him.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/06/2013 10:19

These threads make me cross - why do people waste so many years of their lives, pandering to and trying to build relationships with people who have made it more than clear that they don't give a shit about them or their dc?

It is never in your children's best interests to have continued contact with abusive cunts. cut him off and don't give him another thought!

Snoopytwist · 04/06/2013 10:44

AndHarry is right - the DCs are getting hurt by the involvement with FIL and also by MIL to a certain extent. Cut all ties as your DH has done - so what if they think it's you - you will never win their approval anyway so what does it matter? FIL is an aggressive misogenistic bully who gets kicks by belittling everyone around him, especially women.

You've tried your best and should be applauded for hanging on this long - but by continuing, you are only inviting further hassle and damage. Enough is enough.

BegoniaBampot · 04/06/2013 10:48

Just stay in touch with the mil and SIL if you get on with them and want to have some family connection. Wouldn't bother with the Fil.

LunaticFringe · 04/06/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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