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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end our contact with FIL and ignore fathers day

37 replies

daydreamer1975 · 04/06/2013 07:53

This is a long story that has been going back years but I will try to give a simple version.

FIL and MIL live about 15 miles from us. Over the years, they have never had much to do with us. They would phone us/we would phone them inviting them over and then they would never turn up. MIL would make excuses but we would never hear from FIL.

MIL does not drive and if we want to see her, we have to go to her or bring her to us as he will not bring her.

We have no idea why he has gone like this as he drives to the west country twice a month to see his daughter.

To put it in context we see FIL maybe 4 times a year and MIL maybe 10 times a year. Yet they arrange to meet up with us maybe 30 times. We have often been expecting them at say 12 o'clock and then my daughter shows me pictures that have been uploaded to facebook of them at a Zoo in the west country with their daughters children.

I have no problem with his relationship with his daughter and other GC's and we are all really close but I did ask him to not tell my children about the fun he has when he is round if he is letting my kids down in the meantime (He seems to make a point of doing it and I feel like he is picking on the kids to get at us). This resulted in him refusing to speak to me and that was the last time I saw him.

DH would have walked away years ago but I have always encouraged a relationship to make an effort for his mum. I do feel sorry for MIL as she makes some effort but she has still played her part in letting the kids down on numerous occasions and the relationship is very one-sided.

However my 3 children have birthdays in the same month and he didn't call, or phone. We collected MIL from work and had to drop her home. My eldest was very upset that he had ignored her as she is most aware of the situation and being constantly let down by them. We later found out that he had been to see someone at the end of our road while the party was on yet he still let us drive MIL home and didn't pop in.

Fathers day is coming up but it is also my friends 40th Birthday. I have decided to attend the 40th birthday party with DH and kids and I will mail his present. This will be making a huge statement where they are concerned but I think it will be the break that needs making. I am fed up of always making excuses for them to the kids.

OP posts:

Badvoc · 04/06/2013 10:55

Your dh isn't bothered?
So why are you?
Your mil lets this happen so she is not blameless either.
Don't send a gift...that's just being hypocritical.

Goldmandra · 04/06/2013 11:11

I don't think you're doing your DCs any favours by maintaining contact with someone who behaves like this.

Teach them that it's OK to have enough self respect to walk away from this sort of relationship if you've consistently made an effort and it will clearly never be reciprocated.

lisianthus · 04/06/2013 11:13

Your DH (whose parents they are, so whose choice this should be) wants to cut contact. Cut contact. You've already pushed this to the point where it has hurt your eldest. Cut contact before your other children are also aware of the situation and hurt.

And what andHarry said.

sue52 · 04/06/2013 11:26

Why send a present to a man who doesn't behave like a father? I would respect your DH's wishes and cut contact. If MIL wants to be involved with your family let her be the one to do the running.

gaggiagirl · 04/06/2013 11:33

Cut him out he is a bully and not the kind of man I would want my dcs to spend time with.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/06/2013 11:38

Why on earth encourage contact?

You aren't actually doing your kids any favours. They don't need people in their lives who treat them like this. Don't set them up for a lifetime of allowing people to treat them like shit while they still go round basically pleading for crumbs of attention.

Bin them. They don't act like they even WANT a place in your lives, let alone deserve one.

FobblyWoof · 04/06/2013 11:43

I wouldn't worry about whether he blames the lack of contact on you. He obviously has a low opinion of you anyway (totally unwarranted and most likely as a result of neither nor DH being pushovers).

Your DC's won't miss out long term- they'll get to an age (if they haven't already) to be hurt by his actions and MIL's and they won't gain much from the relationship.

As a side note though- three DC's birthdays in one month? Must make e rest of the year really cheap

pigletmania · 04/06/2013 12:05

Look op he is a nasty controlling bully, and very toxic. Your main priority s your dcs and dh. Keep in contact with mil if you wish, but have nothing to do with him

pigletmania · 04/06/2013 12:08

I totally agree I'mtooH. They don't deserve a relationship with your dc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2013 12:15

I would not send your toxic FIL a present under any circumstances tbh. Again you are thinking that you are dealing with a normal emotionally healthy family in your ILs.

Your other mistake here was to encourage a relationship for your MILs sake even though your DH would have walked away years ago. That is the understandable thinking of someone of someone who unlike your DH, has likely come from an emotionally healthy family where this type of familial dysfunction is unknown. However, dysfunctional families like your DHs do not and never will play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. They have not apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your MIL has quite happily gone along with her bullying H out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. She like your FIL has also failed here.

If they are too difficult for you to deal with, they are certainly too difficult for your children to have to deal with.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2013 12:25

To be fair, I don't think the OP's MiL will be happy. She lives with a bully - I bet she leads a dog's life. Yes, she could (maybe should) leave but that's a hell of a step if she's been living like this for 40+ years.

samuelwhiskers · 04/06/2013 12:27

It sounds as though you have hung on to the PILs for the sake of your children and no one else. As others have said, you cannot protect them anymore, they need to make their own mind up as they get older. They sound really toxic PIL tbh and if I was you, I would not send a present and not phone them again.

Attila has put it really well above, they are a dysfunctional family and you are obviously from a normally functioning family so have tried too hard for too long with them. From the sound of it, you are never going to win with them and you need to protect your children.

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