Is this generous or not?

[Abouttime]

DS is almost 17, doing 3 as subjects at the moment (last exam this week) and has had a girlfriend (1st one) for 2 months.

I pay £15 per month for his contacts, £21 for gym membership, £10 for his mobile, £15 every weekend & £15 per week for dinner money even though he isn't actually in school for lunch every day. I also pay for his hair cutting every 5 ish weeks which is another £5 or £10 depending on what he's having done.

He unloads the dishwasher & reloads if necessary probably 5 times per week and generally keeps his room clean. He also does his own ironing.....well school shirts cos he won't iron anything else!

He doesn't want to get a job as he says he doesn't have time - he has studying to do, gym & his girlfriend.

He has dyspraxia & some traits of ASD so I suppose is limited to what jobs he can do.

I would like him to get a job for the experience/work ethic & would be happy to still pay for what I do but as he isn't interested I feel I shouldn't have to pay for stuff if he won't get a job.

What do you think?

I think you'e being more than generous. I think he ought to get some sort of job & contribute financially in a small way.

I think he should be encouraged to get a job. He needs to have some experience of what it is like to have colleagues, and work with others.

My oldest two DCs bring in £80 each a month doing paper rounds, for a minimal amount of time every day. I see the worth ethic from this as a stepping stone on to other, better paid jobs when they're older. It's good for them to take some responsiblity for their outgoings.

Maybe compromise and get him to volunteer or do work experience (perhaps towards a chosen career) in exchange for you paying his upkeep? Or maybe he would enjoy doing something at the gym?

I think you are very generous but don't think you should make him get a job if you can afford not to. I worked part time from 15 because my family couldn't afford money for mobiles, clothes, cinema, canteen lunch etc and it was very tiring. I wish I'd been lucky enough to enjoy my weekends more and not feel so drained. He has plenty of time to experience work in the future so I wouldn't rush him if there's no need.

He has no reason to get a job because you are bank rolling him.

Is he aware that eventually you are going to stop supporting him financially and he will have to stand on his own two feet?

It's about learning the value of money and a good work ethic.
You learn so much from your first job, especially about working from the bottom up.

I think you are doing him no favours by being so generous.

My parents gave me money for school lunches at that age, paid for my gym membership (it was part of a family plan) and occasionally topped my phone up but everything else was down to me. I think you're being more than generous.

I'd say he can start paying for his own haircuts for definite. Phone, gym and contact lenses are not neccessities, but you may be tied into contracts.

How about over the next year you start transitioning some of these over to him, so its not totally out of the blue but so that by 18 he'll be paying for the luxuries he wants himself. He will learn that these luxuries need hard work to be able to afford them.

£15 for the contacts is for his vision. Ok, he could wear glasses, but asking him to do this on the basis of finances would be extreme.

£21 for the gym is money spent on his health, which is, imo, the best investment you can ever make. Given how hard it is to get some teenagers into exercise I would be glad to spend this money - he may benefit from it through his lifetime.

£10 for mobile is very little for most teenagers. Which is great!

Dinner money does not count as disposable income, imo. Can you cut this down by giving an amount per day.

The only unitemised expenditure here is £15 every weekend. Which is not so much in the grand scheme of things, but not too little either.

As for working - what is the job market near you like? Most people in the country looking for work are really, really struggling. I wouldn't underestimate how tough it is to find part time work at the moment, especially if you are unskilled with no qualifications.

3 A-levels is a pretty full workload. How many hours a week would you expect him to work around that? I agree that volunteering or work experience would be a good idea, as they may not require him to take on so many hours.

I give DS2 £80 every month. I may fling him a tenner on top of that now and again, we pay his cricket subs (fiver a week, plus 350pa sign on fee). He takes a mediocre lunch of a sandwich and carton, which in reality is his breakfast.

Out of that he has to pay his phone bill.

He is very good with chores and doesn't have to be asked to do anything - dishwasher is done when I get in, hoover run round, he generally does Saturday and Sunday brunches, tea and coffee served at regular intervals throughout the evening. He doesn't charge me baby sitting rates for DS3 either .

He's capable of making a quick buck from numerous internet ventures.

God, can I borow him for round here Holly? Housework and brunch? You've got a good deal there

I think £80 a month is a HUGE amount - no wonder he isn't bothered about getting a job.
My ds (just done his ASs, just about to turn 17) gets £16 a month from us, and we pay his subs for Explorers (£30 a term) and £2 a day dinner money on days he is in school.

He's gone out and got a job.

Holly, write a book, please. Tell us where we've been going wrong

It depends on your families financials as well doesn't it? We couldn't afford £80 a month for a child, so we wouldn't give it. If you have more money it won't seem like such a big deal.

I think he should be encouraged to get a job, but I'm going to go against the grain and say I don't think you are being generous. It's not that you are being tight, but things like contacts, lunches, haircuts and a healthy activity are in my mind the sort of things that parents should pay for while their children are still in full time education and are eligible for child benefit.

I'd like my children to have a part time job by that age, but I'd still pay for things they need if they are studying. Their wage would be for saving and for things they want, not need.

My 8yr old (with ASD) does more jobs than that for a mere £10 a month pocket money and computer time - he does a job on a similar level to emptying the dishwasher every day and he generally is expected to give me a hand (so set the table, put clothes I chuck down in the washer, clear the dinner plates) as and when....

Its all part of my master plan to train him up for his future life partner

I would expect more in terms of chores, but of you want him to focus on his studies, I wouldn't push an actual job. They are thin on the ground anyway. If he wants to get one, fair enough, but I wouldn't press for it.

More than generous.

Holly and others

When DD1 started college in September I was paying for petrol to everywhere, her bus pass, her lunches, her mobile phone etc and giving her £30 a month allowance, plus the odd tenner here and there.

I thought she should get a job but although she agreed in principle, she made almost zero effort to actually get one. A few very half hearted attempts at best.

After Christmas I got fed up with the lack of any effort. I continued with bus fares to college but the stopped the allowance, I said she would have to pay half the mobile and also make enough to pay for her ballet lessons if she wanted to keep doing them (we still paid for her to get there). She did some babysitting etc that term and the whole lot had to go on the ballet lessons. I think that was a bit of a shock!

For 2-3 months she moaned constantly about how she had no money for clothes, to go out etc. For 2-3 months I hardened my heart and did not provide money. If we went shopping and I bought for DD2 she would moan like crazy. I pointed out that DD2 is not old enough to get a job.

She now has a job. I was making excuses for her before (she has studying, she does ballet 5 times a week, she's not free on Saturdays) but actually that wasn't helping her and the best thing I did was to toughen up. I can guarantee that had I kept funding everything she wouldn't have bothered. She's really enjoying the job and having money she has earnt herself. I'm enjoying not having to provide it. Good all round!

My DD is 16 she gets £10 a week if she cleans her room and does her washing ( if she doesn't im £10 better off and I close her door)

I pay £15 month for her phone contract which is capped so she cant got over.
She gets free school meals but I give her £5 a week for drinks and rubbish on the way to school

She does work part time for a friend cleaning so she uses that money for whatever she wants. every few months I will give her some money to buy basic clothes, if she wants expensive stuff she has to save.

If I was you I would stop the lunch money and weekend money, pay for his phone and contacts and the gym and that's it, but he must help in the house.

But a lot of the stuff you are paying for is just part of the cost of having a child that age, and I say that as a skint single parent of a teenager.

If they are keeping their end up, i.e. doing their studies and being helpful and sociable, then I'd say you should count your blessings and support him financially while he learns to make his way in the world.

Wow that is so generous! As soon as i turned 16 i had to get a job, and buy pretty much everything myself! My mun still bought the odd big thing eg new winter coat/boots but everything else was funded by me. It wasnt because they couldnt afford, but purely because they wanted to instill a work ethic and educate me about the value of money.
I see your son has ASD traits etc which could make things a bit more difficult, but surely that doesnt stop him from ever working?
Btw am i the only one who is constantly shocked by parents having a mobile contract for their kids?! What happened to the good old days of getting weekly spends, and buying credit when you could afford!

I think there is a big difference between expecting him to take a job after exams= in the holidays (if he can get one!) and expecting him to take one during term time. In the holidays I agree that he should not be slouching around and a job is an excellent idea.

Whether he should take on in term time would depend on how well he copes with his studies, what kind of career he is envisaging, whether the job he can get is more helpful for his career or whether he would be better off volunteering in a related field to get experience that looks better on his CV.

If he is going to uni it is also very helpful if he doesn't get used to expensive habits; otherwise he will spend his time there lurching from on financial crisis to another, taking concentration away from his studies.

All my friends worked when I was in Sixth Form; I did not but had a very modest allowance. By the end of the two years I had better results, had been able to read extensively beyond my subjects and had learnt an extra-curricular language, but more importantly I had learnt to cope with very little money. My friends otoh had spent all the money they'd earned and had got so used to spending money that they struggled with finances at uni.

I see many university students fail because they seem to regard their studies as a bit on the side compared to the important business of work and social life. They all claim financial hardship- but they seem to have remarkably expensive lifestyles.

It will be good for him to get a job for all the reasons you outline in the op. Maybe he is worried he won't get one or lacks confidence in his ability to go into a workplace and succeed? I think what you give him is fair and also what he does at home in return. It sounds like you've got the balance right to me.

I'm 29, I had my first job at 13, working in a care home serving teas and coffees, doing the dishes etc... I was paid £2:20 an hour. By the time I did my GCSEs I was working three part time jobs and still got 9 GCSEs at grade A*-C. I continued in that pattern through my AS levels, and then discovered I was pregnant so left school.

A good work ethic is very important. I worked right up until my doctor told me to stop because the stress of work was causing my miscarriages. (I had 13 between dc1 and dc2). I now work part time in the dance school office. I love it!

My Dd1 is 10. She performs in a local variety show for which she gets paid £3 a show (by the theatre not me). She has done this since she was 6. She does maybe 30 shows a year. I give her pocket money on an ad hoc basis which she usually saves for trips to London/ holidays etc and she has a mobile phone I put £10 a month on. Obviously I pay her clothes/glasses/dinner money etc but she does help a little around the house and she knows that she can always do extra chores if she wants extra money.