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Original poster

7 year old 'I want to die' - what is the best way to get him help?

92 replies

dilemma2013 · 03/06/2013 21:13

Name changing (semi) regular for reasons i'm sure are clear. Posting for high traffic.

Ds1 has had 2 close friend (A and B) since starting school 2 and a half years ago. They are all 7. Lately B has seemed quieter and less a part of the threesome than he used to be but I'd just put this down to the normal friendship fluxes that happen at this age, especially in groups of 3. He has also had a baby sister just before he turned 7. I'm mentioning this because it may or may not be relevant. We are friends with all the parents and socialise with them although not especially close to B's parents.

Ds1 has said to dh today, unprompted, that B has on several occasions said things like 'I want to die' and 'my parents don't love me anymore now they have my sister'. On gentle questioning by dh he said that B has cried a few times.

We are absolutely clear that we are not going to ignore this but are not sure what the best approach is. My gut reaction was to go round and speak to his parents tonight when he is in bed. As friends we'd want them to do this for us if it was ds1. Dh thought though, which hadn't crossed my mind, was that given that this seems to be about them perhaps we'd be better off speaking to the school who will have access to professional help that we clearly can't provide. However if they found out we'd done this without speaking to them it would be friendship changing for both us and possibly the boys.

Clearly we want to do what is best for B with his parents feelings (and our friendship) being a secondary concern. To clarify we've never seen any concern in the interactions between B and his parents and they seem like a normal loving family.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Joiningthegang · 03/06/2013 22:08

Please talk to the parents first- don't make a big deal, just say ds was worried about your ds who seems sad and said ..... The bigger deal you make of it the worse I think it will be

HomageToCannelloni · 03/06/2013 22:09

Talk to the parents first. I have a seven year old who can, on occasion, be quite dramatic in her language, but whom i know to be a happy, normal girl. He is obviously feeling pushed out by his sibling and struggling, but that's also a fairly normal situation when siblings arrive later in the first child's life.
You can keep an eye on the situation via your DS and then speak to the school if you think his sadness seems overwhelming longer term.

WMittens · 03/06/2013 22:12

The fact you are even considering it suggests you may think he is being maltreated.

Not so, they may just not be in best positioned to deal with it.

Suicidal feelings are not necessarily the fault of parents, but a child's unsophisticated/immature reaction or perception of situations involving his or her parents.

blingitback · 03/06/2013 22:12

The downside isn't so much whether you and they would not stay friends, and the boys also, but that this may well be traumatic forthem as a family and do a lot of harm.
What concerns do you have re the parents?

marriedinwhiteagain · 03/06/2013 22:17

I don't think thE OP is inferring the lad is being mistreated or that a conversation with school implies that; it implies the lad is having difficulty with a change to his status quo and might need some help.

I'd dpeak to the parents first and offer to ave the baby for a couple of hours a week so the lad can have some special time. If that doesn't help I'd encourage the parents to seek help rom the schoo and offer to go with them.

Original poster
dilemma2013 · 03/06/2013 23:08

Thanks for all your helpful comments.

The reason I haven't been back is because dh and I have been to talk to the parents tonight.

He has said this to them too and they were on the verge of going to talk with the school and say they'll speak to B and the school. They said he's a sensitive boy (which is true) and prone to saying stuff like this and while they haven't dismissed this they are less worried than us. And we're more reassured that he had said this to them too and it isn't something he's
disclosed to ds1 and no one else.

To clarify dh and I had the 'do you think there is any possibility the parents are abusing B' discussion and both of us have no concerns about this. This was one of the reasons we thought about going to the school though - just in case we were wrong as I know its not
always obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
dilemma2013 · 03/06/2013 23:09

Posted to early...

We are more reassured after talking to them but I think I'll follow it up with asking them how he is in a couple of Weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
dilemma2013 · 03/06/2013 23:12

And the option of going to the school wasn't because we thought they might have been abusing him but because they might be better equipped to help him than us

OP posts:
Sparklypinknails · 03/06/2013 23:20

I'd still mention it to the school. It just doesn't sit right with me. I'll sound like a suspicious nut now but sometimes abuse is very very well hidden and he could be telling the truth when he says his mum and dad don't love him now his sister is here. Families sometimes favour one child over the other and sometimes they take that quite far. It just feels off to me that they played it as him being sensitive when he's saying he wants to die. Its just... argh I don't know. Off.

Crumbledwalnuts · 03/06/2013 23:24

Is there an experienced TA in the class? I've found that TAs, if they are older, have seen everything and have the most wonderful touch and understanding. In this situation I can imagine an older, kind TA, not doing anything official but knowing EXACTLY what to say to the Mum, and it not seeming busybodying but just kind. People take it much more easily from a teacher than a parent, especially a very experienced teacher.

Crumbledwalnuts · 03/06/2013 23:25

oh well. late, out of date and never mind. I'm glad things lok more positive.

Original poster
dilemma2013 · 03/06/2013 23:25

I know what you mean. If they don't mention it to the school we will do. But going to give them a chance first. If I read my post on here I think I would have said the same as you. But seeing them and actually talking to them with a bit of context as to why they feel as they do was more reassuring than it sounds.

OP posts:
Sparklypinknails · 03/06/2013 23:33

I'm going to sound more suspicious nut now but its very easy for them so say "yes of course we will tell the school" and to pacify you if they know you well and how to talk to you so you go away happy. Once they've for you convinced, all they have to do then is frighten the little boy into not telling anyone else how he feels and continue the abuse. No one is going to turn round and say "he said he wants to die? Probably because we are beating the crap out of him now we love his sister more and he's just in the way".

How would you even know if they've told the school?

I know I probably sound OTT but it just seems off.

Sparklypinknails · 03/06/2013 23:34

Got* not for

Tenacity · 04/06/2013 01:33

IMO the parents have actually helped confirm that the situation is much more serious than it seemed. If the little boy has also mentioned this to his parents, then there is a persistent issue.
Such suicidal ideation is unusual in a young child, and would indicate a problem, or at least, an emotional need not being met. Are the parents too engrossed in the new baby to notice? What else is going on for this to be persistent? Hmm
I wonder if it might be worth contacting your local CAMHS for advice? They will have specialist knowledge on how to deal with this.

Original poster
dilemma2013 · 04/06/2013 06:44

But this is the thing. Is it really suicidal ideation in a child of 7? Because with a young boy the same age (who has experience of death in that the Dad of one of his other friends has died this year) I just don't think he'd grasp the seriousness of what he is saying.

If it really and truly could be I'd agree that this could be more serious.

For what its worth I do agree that given that he has changed since his sister arrived and so something isn't right for him which he may need help with. I genuinely don't think this is abuse (or at least not at his parents hand). I do know that this can be very well hidden which is why dh and I spoke about this before posting here.

He doors have plenty of time with his Dad without his sister there - they do running together and other sporty things.

OP posts:
ButterflySwan · 04/06/2013 07:04

As someone who experienced emotional abuse (not physical or sexual so no outward warning signs) at the hands of my mother with my father letting it happen & my younger brother being the 'golden child' please don't let the parents of this boy dismiss or belittle his feelings. Suggest you take a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread in relationships to give you an insight into how abuse is kept hidden by parents who outwardly seem to the world to be normal, wonderful & caring. I know I'm biased by my experience but this boy can be made to kept quiet in future, distanced from people who can help him & you may be able to make a huge difference for him just by keeping a close eye on him & mentioning you're concerns to the school.

xylem8 · 04/06/2013 07:12

firstly can i reassure you that in my considerable exoerience working with chldren this age i have heard the 'i want to die' comment many times when they are frustrated, ashamed or disappointed sometimes abut the most minor things.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 04/06/2013 07:22

I'm sorry I haven't read whole thread, but as a teacher a) we would DEFINITELY take this seriously (and Hmm to those saying school wouldn't do anything), but b) the first thing I'd do is have a meeting with his parents. Therefore, go to his parents and tell them. I think it is busybodyish to go to school first.

And to the poster who suggested op say to his parents "let's go together to see the school about this", get a fucking clue. Would you be so nosey and involved with other people's business? If I were the boys parent I'd be devastated and horrified but if you suggested going with me to see the head I'd laugh in your face.

(sorry- not feeling very tolerant myself this morning! Must be lack of sleep)

BlackholesAndRevelations · 04/06/2013 07:29

Sorry- just read the latest posts and have seen that you did go to his parents and feel reassured. Just keep an eye on him and tell your DS to let you know if he says it again.

goodiegoodieyumyum · 04/06/2013 09:54

In April a nine year old in New York killed herself because she couldn't cope with her baby brother, I would talk to the school in a couple of days to make sure they have spoken to the school, there is too much at stake not to do so.

Gruntfuttock · 04/06/2013 10:27

OP, you said "If they don't mention it to the school we will do. But going to give them a chance first."
and
Sparklypinknails asked "How would you even know if they've told the school?" and I'm wondering the same thing.
I don't think there's anything to lose by mentioning to the school what your son has told you, as it is so serious and it is natural that you would be very concerned that your son has told you that the boy cries and says he wants to die.
Not long ago a young schoolboy committed suicide in his home in my road. The parents said they didn't have a clue he was unhappy. I have no doubt that they fervently wish that if anyone did know how he was feeling they would have done their utmost do get the boy some help urgently.

Nokidshere · 04/06/2013 10:42

Am a bit late to this but I definitly would speak to the parents first - why would you even think of going to school without talking to them?

I have worked with children for 35 years and have heard comments like this a million times. Anger, Jealousy, Frustration all cause a child to feel many complex emotions. It is quite rare for it to be anything other than sounding off.

The parents know how he is feeling. They are aware that he needs attention. Now its nothing to do with you and "going back to check and speaking to the school if they dont" sounds to me like you are being very patronising toward them.

Obviously it would be different if you had abuse concerns, but you dont. By all means talk to the parents if he voices this stuff again to you or your son but it sounds like they are already aware of his feelings.

Nokidshere · 04/06/2013 10:47

"In April a nine year old in New York killed herself because she couldn't cope with her baby brother, I would talk to the school in a couple of days to make sure they have spoken to the school, there is too much at stake not to do so."

Suicide is extremely rare in children under 12 years old and the threat of it is normally a tool for attention or for venting. If a child is seriously depressed enough to cause real concerns then its a doctor they need to see - not a teacher??!!!! Obviously telling the teachers to watch out for your child would be a good idea but they cant actually do anything about how he is feeling. Doctors and Counsellors would be more useful.

Gruntfuttock · 04/06/2013 10:49

Nokidshere, if you read her later posts you will see that the OP spoke to the parents last night.