If you invite someone out for a celebration dinner and their response is 'well I don't really like that sort of food,' (Indian) that's pretty rude isn't it?

[INeedThatForkOff]

My extended family, who I've always had a lot to do with, have been really arsey with me lately. It began with an incident in which one aunt's dog nearly but my cousin's 2yo DD in the face at a party, so that before the next one I asked her if it would be shut away. It grudgingly was, but someone else brought a dog, and a different aunt, also a dog lover, made a point of sitting on the floor with cousin's 5mo DS and allowing said dog right up to his face, at which point the baby was taken off her. The latter aunt has refused to put her own dogs out of the way when our children visit, though I've only found this out through gossip, so I no longer go there (the dogs get aggressive with each other over food, and she insists on giving the DCs bags of crap sweets and crisps around them). My great grandmother is another dog lover, has also refused the request but backed down when I declined to go and visit, and basically there's a lot of ill feeling simmering away.

If you're still reading, I'll get to the point! We have decided to have DS Christened at a messy church session, as that's the way we practice. It's late Friday afternoon, which has caused the first aunt to moan because she won't be able to get time off work (I realise we can't expect this, and don't have a problem with it), but she has instead booked a holiday abroad and yet continues to comment.

A different aunt has got the arse because while we had originally booked a gathering at a local pub afterwards, they've cancelled on us and I now can't get anything affordable and don't have the time and space to cater it myself. We have decided to explain that everyone who wants to come is still welcome to the service, but we're just taking immediate family out for dinner afterwards. Offensive, apparently.

I then invited my great grandmother for the meal, to which her immediate response was 'well I don't really like Indian. And I'm not immediate family anyway.' They have clearly decided between them that I'm somehow not doing things right.

WIBU to just retract all invitations and keep it to immediate family and friends?

PS -the dog story seems a bit irrelevant but there's just been an atmosphere since then.

[WorraLiberty]

To answer your thread title...YABU. It's not rude. Even if they do a non Indian menu, some people just can't stand the smell. It would have turned my Mum's stomach.

As for the rest of it, I'd find a pub that'll put on a few sandwiches etc...

You can't please everyone so there's no point in trying.

It's supposed to be a religious ceremony, not a family fight.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Just have the event you want. It sounds like these people have already decided to be tiresome so just ignore them. Some people just are tiresome, and the best thing to do is not worry about it.

[trackies]

tbh. i had christening in our garden, but i still had to do loads like cleaning house, tidying up etc. and that's really difficult to do, if not impossible if you are extending house. So i would stick to Indian food but do not retract invites (if you can avoid that? )

[INeedThatForkOff]

You know what, I think she might be offended at my choice of Godmother. My aunt and uncle used the word 'Paki' three times within my hearing over the Christmas period. My gran has previously said she doesn't see the problem with the word - 'it's just an abbreviation' . I wonder if that has something to do with it?

Don't mean to dripfeed. It's just occurred to me but that could be an overreaction.

[LilyAmaryllis]

I see nothing wrong with your plan, let those who want to, come to the bits they want, and ignore the others!

[trackies]

I know asian people who do not like english food / pub grub, but if they are going to a do where it is only english food they just have to put up with it. There isn't a bit of asian food on the side just for them.

[INeedThatForkOff]

I won't retract. I feel like it, but just venting has helped. I think I'll suggest that if anyone can't stomach Indian they needn't feel obliged. Don't think DH's DGPs would be so rude though.

[badbride]

YANBU about the dogs: children's safety is paramount. I have a very sweet-natured terrier, but I wouldn't dream of letting him get close to a small child unless I was hanging on to him and supervising constantly. It's good for kids to get used to dogs, but it needs to be done with great care.

Re: the christening. It's absolutely fine for you to book it for whenever you like, folk who can't make it can't make it. But it would be unusual (and borderline impolite, IMO) NOT to offer all your guests some kind of refreshment afterwards, even if it's just tea and cake. This gives everyone a chance to mingle and chat about the ceremony for a short while before heading home.

Most churches have a church hall you can use -- is this an option? You could offer tea/coffee/fizz and some christening cake (Marks and Spencer's do nice cakes and will ice messages on the for you). Then take immediate family off for a meal.

[WorraLiberty]

If you think deep down you're going to have people going for a meal they won't enjoy, just because they don't want to appear rude, is it really worth it?

[INeedThatForkOff]

The church hall will be in use for messy church - they offer food afterwards but we can't expect them to cater for all of us. It seems odd to go off to another church hall, and anyway I still haven't got the time and space to bake. It would need to be some sort of 'event' to do it like that.

I've been a bit rude haven't I? To be honest, the Christening itself was never about the family, just DS's baptism. I only ever said 'this is how we're doing it, it would be nice to see you there'.

[WorraLiberty]

Nearly every pub I know will put some tables aside so you can bring a buffet. Could you not phone round some local caterers to put on a nice little spread?

It could well work out cheaper than a meal and cater for more people.

[SDeuchars]

Have you asked the church if you can extend the meal after (assuming they do that) to cover your relatives, etc.? Most churches I know would be happy to do that. We don't have Messy Church but have had food after infant blessings. Often people will be happy to bring a plate (and I'm sure there is someone in the church who can organise that, even for this Friday).

[Nanny0gg]

I won't retract. I feel like it, but just venting has helped. I think I'll suggest that if anyone can't stomach Indian they needn't feel obliged. Don't think DH's DGPs would be so rude though.
It isn't necessarily rude. Like others have said, I cannot stomach the smell (and I find it quite embarrassing and inconvenient to feel that way too).
Can't you pay the church to provide extra sandwiches and bits? May make it an even better celebration.

[SDeuchars]

Cross-posted with your last message. If you offered to pay for additional food, I'm sure the church won't mind (it is, after all, doing Messy Church). And it would be very appropriate for the other MC attendees to join in.

[SpockSmashesScissors]

So there are local pubs that could cater but you don't like the food offered, is that what you're saying?

Would one of the cheap pubs give you a room/save some tables, and let you bring your own food for a payment.

You could either make sandwiches etc. yourself so it was suitable or a local sandwich shop would do platters for you, subway do them as well.

[INeedThatForkOff]

The only problem then though, is that we end up with a whole bunch of extra adults (many, if we invite fairly) at a family / child-focused event. If I go back to the original decision, I remember that we've made the decision to do it at messy church the priority, and as a result, can't accommodate lots of guests. We have only actually said please come and see the baptism if you want to.

[RiffyWammal]

I agree with those saying organise a buffet at the church or a local pub. I love Indian food but I understand that some people don't. We went to our local Indian for my son's 18th birthday meal, and my mom and her partner declined to come because he 'doesn't like rice'.

Take the moral high ground and go for the option where everyone will find something they like to eat. If they want to continue being arsey over dogs etc you will have the satisfaction of knowing you rose above their pettiness.

[SDeuchars]

Have you discussed that aspect with the minister? Most churches would not be surprised at having (many) extra people at a baptism-type event. If the church are happy to do it during MC, then (I would hope) they'll have considered that aspect and may be expecting to relax the no unaccompanied adult rule.

[Pigsmummy]

I wouldn't invite people to a church service without offering some form of refreshments tbh. By having the private meal you are not catering for people when you were originally planning to.

If a pub can't cater could you get a couple of sandwich platters with crisps from Sainsburys (or other supermarket) and either have them in the garden or in the church hall or in a pub (if they won't cater they will likely let you bring your own) rather than exclude people and exacerbate the tension.

[Weegiemum]

We do Messy Church and we have had dedications as part of the service (we don't do infant baptism/christening but there will be an adult baptism soon in that part of the service). Our "aunties" (women -mainly- in the congregation who provide the food) are always delighted to provide more for visitors due to the dedication and in fact the whole church sees that as a reason to "do" Messy Church, to invite friends and family in to worship with us, play with us, eat with us. We always have lunch after church (soup/bread/one pot type dish) every week anyway, eating together is a big part of how our church operates. I'm sure your "catering group" would be delighted to have your family along!

[badbride]

Agree it would be weird to go to another hall. How many guests are you expecting? Would the messy church be happy for you to contribute to the food afterwards so there is enough to accommodate your guests? I don't think you need to bake anything: a trip to Iceland (meaning the supermarket rather than the country :) ) should cover everything for a reasonable budget.

[OctopusWrangler]

Chat to your minister. In fact, chat to the congregation. I attend events at two different churches for various events, and the ladies love nothing more than getting their ovens fired up for a bit of a celebration baking session. Or make it a pot luck. The spirit of a baptism is about family, welcoming and sharing. Messy church us perfect, and I'm surenit would work beautifully:)

[INeedThatForkOff]

Right, I'm going to call the minister later and discuss having everyone stay for food. Thanks for getting me thinking. I've been so annoyed with people's lack of enthusiasm that I've let it cloud my judgement.

[WorraLiberty]

You may find they're more enthusiastic if they're asked to do more than just come along to watch the Baptism and then go home.

Hope it all goes well.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Even if you did get the help from the other members at messy church there is nothing wrong with also going for a casual meal after with a small group,it does sound like now you really want to do that and nothing wrong with it.

But a few extra cups of tea and some cake shared with everyone at messy church will appease even the grumpiest people.