To think if you have a family, you have a family to enjoy whatever their age, not to just dump when they are grown up?

[PamperedPoochy]

AIBU?

I see so many of my friends parents that enjoy their childrens' company and enjoy their grandchildren and spending time with them all. Mums that enjoy shopping with their daughters. Families having sunday roasts together and doing things as a family.

My parents seem to think that you have your children, bring them up, albeit not very well, then that phase of your life is over and you ditch your children, and move on, and enjoy your retirement, and that your children and grandchildren are just an inconvenience.

It's very hurtful.

Oh OP, I understand how hurtful this must be.
But I agree with Stunt, you have to start planning your life around the sort of parents you have, not the sort you wish you had.

That said, if you spoke to your parents about your feelings do you think they might be able to understand any of what you are saying [and perhaps make some amends or adjustments to their behaviour. however small]? Or would they just be dismissive or irritated?

Because it might be worth a try [my apologies if you have tried this already!]

Otherwise, could your sister and you arrange to meet up for family get togethers and bypass your parents? Make the most of what you have and stop trying to accommodate your parents who seem to want a relationship on their own [negligent] terms.

Absolutely agree with you OP. I have a similar situation with my dad, though ILs are great. In fact, that makes it worse somehow - I see all the things that the ILs are doing with my DD, how much they care about her, how they send her postcards every week as she loves to get letters/post and how they genuinely seem to CARE. Conversely, my dad either doesn't think or just can't be arsed.

I know it's him missing out ultimately but I often wonder how it's got to this. And it honestly isn't for want of trying on our part - we regularly send him pictures DD has done at nursery, email photos (don't live locally) and get nothing back. Not even replies to the the emails! I told my aunt about it yesterday (mum's brother's wife, DPs are divorced) and she basically said relationships have to be a two way street and we can't always be the ones making all the effort. Made me think.

My parents aren't interested either, and it does sadden me.

The thing I've found most confusing, is that they do say that they want to see us more often. But if I phone / email and try to arrange something, they are always busy with something else or vague about what they are up to.

I get the feeling that we are just not important to them - lower down their list of priorities than everything else.

If a friend treated me this way, I'd think, 'oh well, since they're not that into me, think I'll just let this one go'. But because it is my parents I feel I can't do that.

It is much worse since they divorced and their new partners discourage them from seeing us.

yellowvan, I know it's not compulsory to live in each others pockets but as a mother myself it just seems a strangely detached way to go about life really. I think, if my friends and acquaintances' parents are anything to go by, my parents behaviour is more unusual. I think it's standard that throughout life parents want to maintain a good, loving relationship with their children and grandchildren. And I don't mean living in each others' pockets or the grandparents providing babysitting.

To answer some other questions: I have tried to discuss it with my parents in the past. They think that how they are is acceptable. It was when I tried to discuss it with my mother that she told me what my dad has said. I think my dad is quite controlling towards my mum and just wants it to be him and her with nobody else getting in the way.

I think there's a balance to be had! My parents are both of the attitude that we are grown up with our own families, they've done their bit but if we get stuck or need a baby sitter once every few months then if they can they will. It suits us well, they don't interfere but I do feel like they are supportive. I can go a few weeks without speaking to them. No news is good news in their world. Something you seem to not have from your parents which is very sad.

The in laws are a different matter all together and I wish they would find something to do instead of relying on us to still fill in every spare moment. They need a hobby which is not done for the sole purpose of getting the grandchildren to go with them! They won't go on holiday for more than a week because they don't like to be away for that long. They phone is all the time 'so then what's new?' Erm nothing I spoke to you last night. And they would given the chance adopt our children and move in next door. It's very suffocating and drives me and dh mad. There was talk of dh and I moving to America before children with our work, they decided they would come with us if we went. It's lovely that they have an interest in us and they love the children very much but they live their lives through us instead of getting out there and doing all the things they wanted to but couldn't because of their children. In my mind that's what retirement and being a grandparent is about.

Yellow, I think that parents have a duty to show some interest in their dc and dgc even if they don't feel it. That's the deal when you choose to be a parent - that you show care for your children until you die. That doesn't mean having to provide child care or living in each other's pockets, only that you show an interest in their lives. That's not a big ask.

I know that parenting isn't everyone's idea of fun, but they did choose it.

LimeLeaf, that is exactly how I feel. If it was a friend behaving this way then I would have long since stopped bothering but I feel a strange guilt if I do this with my parents.

As hard as it is you have to let go of that guilt. I don't have a great relationship with my Dad, he is very rarely present, repeatedly makes plans then doesn't turn up, forgets birthdays/important events etc. And yet every time we had made plans to meet up I would clear my schedule, wait for him, and be disappointed. I don't know why I put myself up for such heartache so often!

A friend told me not to judge him on how I wished he'd behave, but to judge him on how I know from experience he'd behave. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head! When he makes plans now I agree to them, but I always make a Plan B too. I give him an hour, and if he turns up, great. If he doesn't, I go off, enjoy my day and don't give him another thought. I am much happier since I started doing this. They can only control your life and your emotions if you let them. I know it's hard.