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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you have a family, you have a family to enjoy whatever their age, not to just dump when they are grown up?

33 replies

PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 15:49

AIBU?

I see so many of my friends parents that enjoy their childrens' company and enjoy their grandchildren and spending time with them all. Mums that enjoy shopping with their daughters. Families having sunday roasts together and doing things as a family.

My parents seem to think that you have your children, bring them up, albeit not very well, then that phase of your life is over and you ditch your children, and move on, and enjoy your retirement, and that your children and grandchildren are just an inconvenience.

It's very hurtful.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 02/06/2013 15:53

:( YADNBU.

Can you adopt a granny or something - an older person who might love to do all that family stuff?

Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 15:55

That's a good idea Jinsei; there should be schemes to organise that kind of thing. A good friend of mine has cut contact with her parents for similar reasons and her next door neighbour has sort of adopted my friend as her daughter,and does all the granny stuff with my friend's children, and really is a great support to my friend.

I have a lovely nan, but she is mid eighties and although I see her regularly she isn't able to be as involved as she would love to be with my children, as physically she can't. She can't, for example, attend school plays or that kind of thing.

OP posts:
TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 15:56

I agree and disagree, I think it's nice to enjoy your children at any age. I love sending time with my older DC, however I don't think you should feel an obligation to your children once they are independent adults.

pinkballetflats · 02/06/2013 15:57

Oh, I'm sorry OP. Obviously from what you I've said, this is a pattern for them. Perhaps you would be kinder to yourself to accept that this is who they are and they are the ones who are losing out.

Do you have a lovely neighbour/friend who seems to be chomping at the bit to be a surrogate Gran(dparents)?

TeapotsInJune · 02/06/2013 15:58

Yeah, know exactly what you mean! If I ring my Dad for a chat I get 'what do you want now?' snapped at me Hmm

LaurieFairyCake · 02/06/2013 15:58

Depends. One of the things that happens is that people establish new lives in retirement and new interests.

Right about that time the youngsters are at uni/getting married and enjoying themselves.

So then 10 years passes, they decide to have children - are then the oldies supposed to be on tap?

I've seen a lot of people drop their parents for 10 years, go on lots of holidays, have very exciting lives and then move 'back' to where they grow up and then expect their parents to provide childcare.

Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 15:58

I know what you mean TigOldBitties, but I just think it's so clinical and cold and not very human really to have your children and then just dump them. It seems pointless to have those children in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 16:00

Laurie, I wasn't meaning I wanted childcare at all. What I meant was, it would be nice if my parents wanted to spend time with my sister and I, and enjoy our company, and do things. We are both slotted into their diary and aren't a part of their lives that they enjoy.

If I was to phone my mum up now for a chat, she would never have any time to chat to me, and wouldn't want to chat to me at all. Any time she sees my sister or I, or any of our children, it is just for functional reasons and she acts as though we are inconvenient.

OP posts:
TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 16:04

Yes it must very unwelcoming to experience it and its probably easy for me to be objective about as I'm very luck with my parents.

I agree with what Laurie said, I've never dumped my parents, I had DC young, as did all my siblings s there's always been that involvement, but I have friends who have done this and have at times felt their requests on their parents to be a bit rich.

Also and I can't imagine this is nice to hear but parenting isn't for everyone, lots of people don't find that out until they're up to their neck in it. They do their bit, try their best, generally adore their children as much as the next personify are happy when its over. I think that's fair enough for some.

Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 16:04

Like this afternoon it's lovely weather here, and I'm probably going to take my children to the park in the next half an hour. Lots of my friends would be able to phone their parents up and say "We are just taking the children to the park, fancy meeting us over there for an ice cream and a walk?" and lots of parents, if they are not busy, would be delighted and would go over to enjoy the company of their child and their grandchildren.

If I was to phone my mum now she would a) not be very pleased to hear from me and would be snappy and b) would decline the invitation because she and my dad were watching tv/weeding the driveway/changing their bedding. My parents don't seem to get any pleasure or joy from my sister and I, or from our children.

My mum has said that my dad has said that if he had his way he would severe contact with all of us and they could concentrate on enjoying their retirement.

OP posts:
Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 16:06

I don't think it is fair enough tbh Tig. My parents actions have certainly affected the mental wellbeing of my sister and I, and probably our children too in a more minor way.

I've never dumped my parents btw.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2013 16:06

I think that having a child is a forever commitment. Parents don't stop being parents once their dc reach 18. I'm not saying that parents aren't ever entitled to their own lives but I can't imagine not being interested in what my dc are doing or not wanting to see them or caring about how they are.

Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 16:08

My thoughts exactly, karma.

I will always be interested in my children, and will always get pleasure and happiness from having them in my life

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2013 16:09

OP, the time will come when your parents may need you and your sister and you will be within your rights to show them the same level of interest as they show you and not feel remotely guilty about it!

Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 16:11

That is what my DH and I have been saying, Karma. I am getting to the stage of severing contact with them I think as every bit of contact with them leaves me feeling upset and unwanted.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 02/06/2013 16:15

It sucks, but you're better focussing on what you do have rather than what you don't. Difficult I know. Stop expecting them to be the parents you wish they were and plan around the parents they are.

Original poster
PamperedPoochy · 02/06/2013 17:16

You are right, Stuntgirl, and I do try to do that. Most of the time I manage it ok but sometimes, like today when our neighbours are having a massive family BBQ, it does make me feel a bit sad.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 02/06/2013 17:35

I think reducing contact is the way to go if they hurt you every time you talk. I know it's hard - my mum struggles with her own relationship with her sister. She keeps battling on, but you can't make people be what they are not and my aunt just doesn't have it in her to be the sister that my mum deserves to have. Yet my mum still can't quite cut all ties.

You do have a dh and a sister and children. I agree that it would be better for you to focus on them, rather than on people who are not good enough to have the privilege of being part of your life.

pinkballetflats · 02/06/2013 17:43

Shock at your (D)F OP!!!!

NadiaWadia · 02/06/2013 17:51

Oh pampered what a vile thing for your father to say (and for your mother to repeat to you). It may be harsh, but one of them will die eventually and then the surviving parent will feel very lonely indeed and wish they had acted like normal loving parents. How did they behave when you were growing up? Did they seem normal and loving at that stage?

In your position I would not have a grand show-down, just don't bother contacting them. How do your children feel, do you think they have much affection for their GPs? Hopefully they have better ones on your DH's side

Noideaaboutanything · 02/06/2013 17:52

I have the same problem but my parents spend all of their time with my eldest sister. Christmas Birthdays etc But you know what I think it is because they know I am OK i don't need them really I have my own family and friends. I see them about once every 2 months to have a chat about my other sister! but to be fair to them they love their grandchildren and get upset because my kids mostly refuse to go and see them. Don't worry too much about it, feel proud that you have made a life for yourself and your own family and when they need your help put them in the nearest nursing home and visit when you are not weeding your own drive!

foolmouse · 02/06/2013 18:21

Oh thank you! I thought I was weird for having those exact sort of parents. I always thought it was the norm for GP's to actually WANT to see their GC and spend quality time with them without you having to ask them to. So for example they would call up and ask to take the DC out for a bit or whatever. Even just to bother enough to text/call whatever to check that you're all ok and want to see pictures etc.

My parents aren't arsed. Exactly how you said- she's grown up now and has her own adult life so lets leave her too it. I feel really sorry for my DC not having GP's around tbh (DH family live in SA and neither party has money to visit). I long for my p's to spontaneously visit, ask to spend day with DC's, act interested in our lives. Psh.

I've only ever done the whole shopping thing twice with my mum tbf and the first time I went to the cinema with her was last year. Never really been close to her, never had a bond with her. But STILL I hoped she'd care about her GC. My dad has seen them about ten times since DC1 was born over 3 years ago, never met DC3 (10 mo) Angry.

Sorry, turned into a ramble Grin but yanbu and you're not alone. I don't understand it. When my DC are adults and have their own DC i'll be wanting to be around as much as I can without being annoying! I'd love a close family Sad

FasterStronger · 03/06/2013 07:34

pampered - how would they justify saying My mum has said that my dad has said that if he had his way he would severe contact with all of us and they could concentrate on enjoying their retirement.?

Dawndonna · 03/06/2013 07:38

My mother sends a ten pound book token for grandchildren's birthdays each year. She has no idea about their interests, abilities, achievements. That stops when they are 18. She doesn't even know what my 28 year old ds does for a living.
Mind, she wasn't much interested in us either, she doesn't know what I do.

yellowvan · 03/06/2013 07:51

Its not compulsary to live in your chn's pockets though , either. I think it is ok to not gush over the gkids amd their every milestone, some people arr just not intetested in that stuff. Some siblings do not get on and i think any adult to adult relationship is allowed to be be similarly cool even if its with one's pa
rents.