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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have wanted more for my 40th birthday.

27 replies

londonlogin · 02/06/2013 15:26

No card, no cake, nothing organised by the children (7&5). He presented me with an umbrella complete with pricetag and shopped for and cooked a meal on the day. I cleared up.

A week earlier he had left out as a surprise some flowers and a necklace in a hotel where I was staying on a rare trip away -he did n't want to come, whilst he looked after the kids at home.

I work hard for my family. AIBU in thinking he could have made more of an effort on the day.

For his 40 th we went away, his idea, with lots of friends, champagne, spa, and I did a surprise photograph thing marking the milestones of his life.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 02/06/2013 15:32

He doesn't sound completely thoughtless to me. YANBU perhaps to have "wanted" more. I think you are saying you "expected" more. If he had planned what he wanted for his 40th, perhaps you should have done the same to avoid disappointment.

bruxeur · 02/06/2013 15:32

"his idea"

vs

telepathy.

Use your words.

daftdame · 02/06/2013 15:34

I wouldn't expect children to organise anything great without prompting.

Your other half though is being a little thoughtless, sounds like a last minute present.

Is he usually very good with birthdays? Did he know you would have wanted something more, have you been moaning about being 40 or money? He (stupidly) may have thought you wanted to play it down.

Pollydon · 02/06/2013 15:35

Yanbu, but some men are crap at planning for birthdays ect.
Happy 40th from me Flowers

TigOldBitties · 02/06/2013 15:35

The flowers and necklace sound nice but I would be disappointed. He should have kept those for the day rather than a lame meal and an umbrella.

MrsCliveStanden · 02/06/2013 15:36

The flowers and necklace sound a nice surprise :) Shopping for and cooking a meal is a nice thing to do. Did you need a new umbrella?

If you went away for his 40th at his suggestion, he perhaps thought if you wanted to go away you would have mentioned it?

All in all, flowers and jewellery and a meal cooked for you doesn't sound too bad! But then I don't really put a lot of importance on "milestone" birthdays. Does he know how you feel about making a big deal of birthdays on the actual day?

DXBMermaid · 02/06/2013 15:39

It would have been nice if he helped the DC do something for you, make a card or bake a cake or something. They are old enough to get excited about your birthday.

Agree that you do need to tell your DH if you wanted him to do more. I am also guilty of saying things like, no you don't need to do anything for .... (Fill in occasion) and then being pissed off when he listens [hmmm]

RememberingMyPFEs · 02/06/2013 15:42

My DH is notoriously bad at birthdays. I was 40 when I was 27/28 weeks pregnant and so I knew I'd be very hormonal/emotional so not cope with crapness very well.

I prompted DH a few times beforehand saying I didn't need a fortune to be spent but I did want something thoughtful that I could keep and look back on fondly. He did me proud but I'd have had an umbrella and a dog treat if I hadn't prompted him.

I understand you're upset and feel hurt but unless he's normally amazing at birthdays I'd express your hopes more directly beforehand in future.

Congrats on the bday btw Thanks

Birdsgottafly · 02/06/2013 16:06

I would have been more upset about him not wanting to go away with you, for what was, in effect, your Brithday celebration.

I think that it is nice if you have a DP (of either gender) that knows you well enough to organise exactly what you want.

However, i think that if you really want something, then make sure you ask outright for it, or organise it yourself.

ProphetOfDoom · 02/06/2013 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trackies · 02/06/2013 16:31

YANBU. my 40th in 3 weeks time. And i would be bitterly disappointed with that. Esp as you went away and did lots of stuff for his. Did he organise his 40th or did you ? However, men can be rubbish at these things as can my DH. So when i organised his 40th, i organised a surprise family gathering one weekend, another suprise drinkup with friends another weekend, a day out with me and some lovely presents (alot more than i would usually buy). I explained afterwards that it took me a year to think about and plan his 40th and that he needs to think about mine well in advance rather than leaving it the last min and apologising like he usually does.

ipadquietly · 02/06/2013 17:06

Lucky you.
i got a begonia.
And a card - with a freshly licked envelope.
Hmm [grim]

corlan · 02/06/2013 17:26

I got a sandwich toaster.

I don't like sandwiches toasted in sandwich toasters, but he does.

Arsehole.

HibiscusIsland · 02/06/2013 17:32

It's a shame he didn't give you the flowers and necklace on your actual birthday. That would have been fine. A card would have been good too.

ssd · 02/06/2013 17:38

I once told dh I wanted "nothing" for Christmas, meaning of course something not too big or expensive. I didnt expect absolutely nothing!!

I wont be doing that again...

tallulah · 02/06/2013 17:40

It was my 50th last week, and conveniently fell on a Saturday. DH works nights, and worked both the Friday and the Saturday. So I spent most of the day the way I spend most saturdays, with my 6 yo, doing laundry, making food etc. Luckily my mum did a little tea party for me and we went over to hers, and our older kids and my brother turned up. So it wasn't a complete dead loss.

Got money from mum, sweets from kids and brother. Zilch from DH. A bit fat nothing. Oh, except he did actually manage a card this year. Then he went off to work and left me to drive the kids back.

He doesn't 'do' birthdays, and doesn't understand why other people make a fuss of them Sad

Calabria · 02/06/2013 17:43

I got a card and a spirtle for my 40th from my now DH. But we'd only known each other for a couple of months at that point.

For my 50th I got a loo seat. An umbrella would have been better...

He has bought me some lovely gifts in the eleven years we've been together but 'big' birthdays seem to leave him at a loss.

Coffeeformeplease · 02/06/2013 18:00

Oh dear, I would have been upset.

I like the sound of doing 40 nice things in the next year. Make a list!

Shock at begonia and loo seat!
My sister got s bag of garden soil for her big wedding anniversary with a note attached (Happy Anniversary) Suppose she was meant to grow her own bouquet?
Some men are beyond help.

Kat101 · 02/06/2013 18:25

I find it far easier to spell it out to my DH exactly what i would like. Though he did get a digit wrong in Argos a few years ago and bought me a spade. I write it all down now plus descriptions.

welshinexile · 02/06/2013 18:28

I organised my own party for my 40th! Much simpler as DH is rubbish at stuff like that!!

specialsubject · 02/06/2013 19:41

you got flowers and a necklace as a surprise. The occasion didn't happen to match the date. So what?

landofsoapandglory · 02/06/2013 19:48

I don't understand why some people make a big deal about being 40, but it is obviously special to you so YANBU. However, when my kids were 5&7, I would have loved a night away in a hotel on my own.

For my 40th I got a beautiful watch, because I bought DH a watch for his and he thought I should have the same, and we had a lovely meal out. I did spend the actual day in bed with a hemiplegic migraine.

Beatrixpotty · 02/06/2013 19:59

I think overall the necklace,flowers and family meal are nice. I'd have been upset that he hadn't arranged a present from the DCs though.He could have taken them shopping & let them choose a small present each.
Given what he did for his though I can see why you would expect more.He obviously saw his own as a significant occasion worthy of a more special celebration,so why not yours too?
I'm 40 soon and due to 2 small DCs & bf baby I genuinely don't want to do very much except have a family meal and cake but it's important that DH has asked me and would be prepared to do a lot more.

roastednut · 02/06/2013 20:01

As matilda said, only you are responsible for your happiness. I've had many disappointing birthdays but I've now realised you've just got to state exactly what you want, and have very low expectations! And someone just mentioned about how they said they wanted nothing for xmas but were upset when nothing came - so did I and I totally meant it! We exchanged nothing on christmas day and it was brilliant. Birthdays I've learnt thru experience to say exactly what I want and not expect any surprises, best way imho Smile

inkyfingers · 02/06/2013 20:13

I had a significant birthday this week. I'm notoriously picky. I chose a necklace that my DM is giving me. some of the stuff was planned with DH making nice breakfast, but I booked the restaurant and am solely responsible for my party, only because I know what I want and who I want there. Surprises are overrated once you are over 13 years old. Sorry, but go for a good day with loved ones next year maybe that you've planned?

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