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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask how you ever have sex again when you have a baby. EVER.

41 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 01/06/2013 20:49

It's not just the practicalities (though we have a small flat with few rooms so I think we might have to end up doing it in the bathroom even if we do ever o it again.)

Nor is it just that with a demanding 12wo I am prioritising sleep above all else...

The bigger issue is just feeling so WEIRD about it. Having s-e-x now that I am a mother.

I certainly haven't lost my sex drive but my mind is getting in the way IYSWIM.

I recognise that it is a really important barrier to break through as I don't think it is good or healthy (let alone realistic) to just abandon sex with my very lovely husband for the next 18 years or so...

But honestly how do you do it? How do you stop feeling like 'mummy' and start remembering that you are a wife or girlfriend or whatever? It doesn't help that we have (I think it s normal!) picked up the habit of referring to each other as Mummy and Daddy all the time (well not when it is just us, obviously, but then it is rarely just us these days!) as in, 'mummy is going to go and get your bottle while daddy changes your nppy' etc etc... How do you have sex after a day of that??!

Not to mention the fact of course that these days a lot of our conversation is about poo and pee and how knackered we are.

I feel so weirded out by the mere thought of ever being sexual again.

Can anyone offer any genuine advice btw?

Should I just lie back and think of England and hope that after the first weird time I feel like myself again..?

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/06/2013 20:53

Well it takes longer than 12 weeks for a start! More like a year or more for some.

You stop feeling like Mummy when your DC are old enough to go out without you really but even then....erm....never REALLY.

I just turned off the Mummy thing....I realise that without sex my DC wouldn;t even be here.

I enjoy it now. My youngest is 5. And no. NEVER lie back and think of England ...unless it turns you on or something.

CunningAtBothEnds · 01/06/2013 20:53

Lube. Foreplay. A babysitter...

onepieceoflollipop · 01/06/2013 20:54

with a 12 week old this is still fairly "normal" ime. Sleep of course is a priority :)
you are still adjusting to being amother, give it a few more weeks and you may feel differently.

LindyHemming · 01/06/2013 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppyWearer · 01/06/2013 20:55

When you want another child.

Alcohol. Grin

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 01/06/2013 20:59

Ah. Alcohol. I had forgotten about trying that...

DH is a looooooong way off demanding his conjugal rights :) but I know he is keen and more to the point doesn't feel weird about it like I do.

I am keen too in many ways... Which surprises me. But the reality of it is just ICK to me right now.

OP posts:
prettypleasewithsugarontop · 01/06/2013 21:00

Bubble bath
New lingerie/nighty
Glass of wine

It does get easier, first time is always the hardest hurdle to jump imho. DD1 was 8wks, DD2 was 5wks

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 01/06/2013 21:00

Bubble bath
New lingerie/nighty
Glass of wine

It does get easier, first time is always the hardest hurdle to jump imho. DD1 was 8wks, DD2 was 5wks

HollyBerryBush · 01/06/2013 21:01

Well, I never lost my identity and became 'mummy' for a start.

I'm going to piss you off royally, I was quite romantically inclined despite a C-section and still in hospital Blush. But we were certainly intimate 2 weeks later once I'd got home and proper routine established. My instigation, not his.

We didn't do the mummy/daddy thing - that's just so Blush twee - and neither did we talk about nappy contents, other than in a clinical, passing way

But in our defence, we had two parental bereavements in that time, so physical intimacy brought us much closer.

StitchAteMySleep · 01/06/2013 21:01

TBH although I have enjoyed myself, I didn't fully start to feel motivated to have sex until after my kids turned 1. If you ebf the hormones can have an effect on your drive, not to mention the sleep deprivation.

It is hard to switch off being mummy especially when they are so little, but you only rediscover the 'lover' part of you if you try.

My advice would be to start slowly with nice baths and massages then build up. If you know in the evenings you will be too tired then try during the morning nap time.

CalamityJones · 01/06/2013 21:01

What Poppy said!

apostropheuse · 01/06/2013 21:02

Just relax and all will be fine. I think once you and your partner get started you will forget all about being mummy. Honestly. Once you get caught up in the heat of the moment it's the last thing on your mind.

I was terrified of having sex after my first child was born, but in my case it was because of having an emergency forceps delivery due to foetal distress - numerous stitches and resultant oedema etc. Took ages to be able to even sit down never mind contemplate sex. I was convinced that not only would I never have another child, but that I would never have sex again. It just wasn't going to happen.

I eventually felt able to attempt it, but was going into it with a just get it over attitude! Anyway, after the deed was done my first words to my husband were "Well thank God that's over with". Grin

He was not amused until I explained myself. Smile

Anyway, once I knew that I could actually have intercourse without somehow damaging my body irreversibly all went back to normal - and we went on to have another four children.

poocatcherchampion · 01/06/2013 21:03

totally with you. I just encouraged myself to get on with it and it worked.

phantomnamechanger · 01/06/2013 21:04

there's plenty of time for getting back to full-on sex, and plenty of other bonding, pleasurable things you can do together meantime so you are remembering you are more than mummy and daddy to a very demanding precious person!

Though my MW did love to tell the one about the DH who couldn't wait and they were doing it on the ward the day after delivery - I hope that's an urban myth!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/06/2013 21:04

12 weeks?? Bloody hell. Dont worry about it yet-early days.
I was single with ds, but I didn't feel sexy AT ALL until stopped bf at 1 yr.
However, I did, erm, check that all was well, in a "grim determination" type way, when ds was 5 months, and asleep, and I must say I was quite taken aback by 3 very intense orgasms one after the other!
Nver happened since though!(the multiple orgasms I mean)

apostropheuse · 01/06/2013 21:05

good grief I gave myself an extra child there. We went on to have another three children!

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 01/06/2013 21:06

Thanks for advice!
I do think it is a bit if an identity crisis actually.

DH hasn't 'lost' his old identity in the way I feel I have. Going out every day to work etc... Not being home with baby and giving up all his own personal needs all day every day eg having a hot drink while it is still hot, eating something that isn't snatched from biscuit tin en route to tenth nappy change of the day, having a shower without singing and pulling funny faces at baby in bouncy chair...

OP posts:
Shiraztastic · 01/06/2013 21:06

It's always taken a lot longer than 12 weeks for my lido to return. 12 months is more like it for me. With dc1 I dutifully tried to have sex at 8 weeks on the GP's advice. It wasn't much fun for either of us. With dc2 it was more like 6 months. With dc3 I was briefly horny at a few weeks, but then not for months. Dc4 is 10 months... nada so far.

Time
Alcohol
A bit more personal space (i.e. where you don't feel like a small person has been clinging to you all day and night).

It is a myth that everyone should have sex soon after or before their 6 week check. Some do, some don't. It is perfectly fine not to want to. Keep talking to your OH though, and do try to snatch snippets of time together, for a hug, kiss or hand hold Smile

Shiraztastic · 01/06/2013 21:08

Ps try gong for a walk one sat whilst dh has a shower pulling faces at baby. It ill do neither any harm, and you might enjoy 20 mins peace Wink

IfNotNowThenWhen · 01/06/2013 21:13

The only thing I would say, as someone who suffered with some pain once I did start having sex (at about 1.5 yrs after!) is (and this is what the gynae told me) if you have stitches, having sex by 3 months-ish after birth can help to keep scar tissue supple.
Because I didn't, my scar tissue had become quite hardened, and that led to the skin on either side of scars becoming fragile.
My gynae told me that a vibrator wouldve helped! (I bought one-doctors orders and all that..)
Fine now btw Wink

TheHerringScreams · 01/06/2013 21:19

I had dd1 at 15. Trust me when I said that that the rest of my teen years were full of one specific boyfriend (not her dad, who wasn't interested in the least) coming round and having sex in her nap time Blush I remember vividly pushing him off the bed to run to her because she had woken up and thinking that at least I didn't have to open my top to feed her, it was off already Hmm For the first 4 months or so, I couldn't bear to be apart and was in a state of exhaustion and panic because I was certain I would get it wrong (thanks to my gran telling me I was 15 and therefore she'd be messed up for life).

MoodyDidIt · 01/06/2013 21:29

after DC1 i just didn't want to at all. ex DH pressured me into it and it was just horrible :( but i was already unhappy in the relationship and didnt want to be with him - even before getting pg. and we split up when ds was a few months old, not cos of the no sex i might add

but after having DC2 with my now-DH was completely different. i had sex with dh 2 weeks after DC2 was born - we fell even more madly in love when she was born (sorry if thats vomit - inducing) and the sheer elation of having a baby together just made us even closer and we couldn't wait. although i had her via elcs so no fanjo pain.

but also, i think it helped that, because i already had a baby (my DS) when we met he already knew me as a mum, and a mum to a baby. so there was no big transition IYSWIM, also we had not been together long when i fell pg with DD so there was an element of us still being in the honeymoon period as well i suspect.

it was all incredible at memories :)

anyway - remember 12 weeks is still quite early so don't stress about it too much x

TheMildManneredMilitant · 01/06/2013 21:40

It is weird at first, I always found that I couldn't go straight from baby care mum mode to sexy mode without some time first to just chill on my own, whether it was 20 mins reading the paper or having a bath or whatever. I would say though that once I got over the first few months it was actually physically really good - much better than before. No idea why but I'm not going to complain!

theidsalright · 01/06/2013 21:47

Go easy on yourself! Of course you will be revising your idea of yourself, including sexually. It. Is hard to adjust!
DD is 15 months and we have managed about once a month for the last three months and about 4times in the year before that. Sleep was a priority for both of us and we have no family etc to help out. when we do havesex it's amazing, we just don't get round to it very often!

Dogsmom · 01/06/2013 22:15

My DD is 12 weeks too and I had to have an episiotomy and ventouse so was pretty nervous about it hurting.
I'd read that you should wait 6 weeks to heal properly which we did and had sex 6w to the day, to be honest I wasn't turned on or really in the mood but I wanted to know that everything was ok and Dh is extremely understanding so we took it very slow and we stopped as soon as I said it was starting to be uncomfortable.
We've done it a few times since, I'm a believer in 'use it it lose it', I find the longer the gaps between sex the less I want it so I do make the effort.
As for feeling more like a Mom than a wife now I consciously tried to get her into a good bedtime routine early on, she's my first and initially I loved cuddling her all evening and having her fall asleep on me and she was going to bed the same time as us but it meant there was never a time it was just me & dh so now I have her in bed and asleep before 7.30 so we get a few hours together.
It's really helped her too, she's much more settled and goes right through til about 6am whereas when we kept her up she would wake 2 or 3x a night which made the 3 of us cranky.