to think I should tell the parent?

[cherryade8]

My sister has two dds. One has health problems which has resulted in overnight stays in hospital (emergencies so unplanned) both times she's asked our dm to look after the younger dd during the day so she and her dh can be at the hospital with older dd.

Our dad can be a very selfish and unpleasant man. He actually resents having his grandchild for the day whilst they are at hospital, even though it is our mum looking after her. I live three hours drive away and as these are emergency situations I would struggle to be there to help, but yesterday I happened to be visiting our parents at the time of an emergency and so dsis dropped off her dd (aged 2) and I looked after her, with dm. However, my dad was extremely unpleasant and even started almost snarling at his grandchild because she was touching things in his living room. He thinks children/toddlers should have more discipline, be grateful for having a toy to play with etc. If she made any noise he nastily told her off etc so I went out in the garden to play with her as well as my own ds, 18mo. I didn't cause a scene because I didn't want to make it even more unpleasant for the children. But my father's behaviour and unpleasantness sent a chill down my spine.

Dm says she would never let him be on his own with dsis dd and hopefully she doesnt realise how much he dislikes her being there. I only visit for dm sake and would never leave a child with my father. Dm and my dh say I shouldn't tell dsis about dads behaviour towards her dd, but I feel she has a right to know so that she can ask someone else to look after her dd if there's another emergency (dm would get given am even harder time by dad if she looked after her gc at dsis house, as I said he's a very unpleasant man but dm won't leave him..)

Aibu to tell dsis, even though it would cause a big family fall out? Her dd isn't being physically hurt but I'd hate to unknowingly expose my child to such unpleasantness, dsis obviously knows dad can be unpleasant but he's never been horrible to her dd in front of her..

Yes I would tell. It's a hard one though - I see you dilemma in not wanting to add to her stress.
I would still tell.

I'm so sorry - your dad sounds really horrible. Your poor mum.

I would have to tell your sister. Because if he's like that to his GD in front of you, what's he like when it's just him and your DM?

The thing is too - your mother is obviously well under his big bully's thumb, so unfortunately she can't be relied on to sufficiently protect your wee niece. I imagine she is afraid to stand up to him fully.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't say anything, as DSis has enough on her plate. That's on the assumption that your DMum is indeed able to contain his behaviour. I would want to keep in close, supportive contact with DMum so I'd notice if her confidence was misplaced or if any new factors emerged.

When you have to tell your DD that you won't allow your H to be alone with the GC, and that you hope that the DC mum doesn't know how much he HATE having a child there, you're enabling child abuse right there.

There is NO way that child ISN'T left alone at some point with that vile little man.

Your mum needs to step up. Tell him to FTFO if he thinks snarling at a child is in anyway acceptable, OR she needs to find the balls to be HONEST with both your sister AND you, so that YOU both can tell the tosser to his face.

Your poor mum, on one hand, but on another she needs to do more.

Much more.

If it were your DS being left there wouldn't you want to be told? You owe it to your sis to tell her! Good luck!

My StepD is a tosser. To my son at times too. Swears at him.

My mum faffs about, but I don't. I won't have him anywhere near my son. Stuff my mother if she won't stand up to the short arse. I'm not allowing anyone to place my son, or me for that matter in the line of abusive fire.

Talk to your sister, tell your mum you're doing so. And at least give DSIS the option of finding alternative childcare. She has a right to know. She has a lot on her plate, but whether she knows it or not, her well child is suffering too, and there IS something that can be done to stop it.

Thanks all. I will wait until dsis other dd is out of hospital to chat to her. I do feel sorry for dm, but also agree she needs to do more as abuse is not just physical and a toddler who's sister is in hospital with mummy and daddy hardly needs to be snarled at and treated nastily by her grandad, she's a fairly well behaved toddler too, not that that should make a difference

By your OP, this man was vile to you all as you were growing up.

Have you considered looking at the Stately Homes thread?

Hi Hissy I will have a look for that thread, thanks!

Your sister has a H? That's great, at least she has someone to share the duties with.

You need to sit down with the pair of them. I agree, he's bound to have been REALLY vile on the times you weren't there to see it.

For the love of god, if you ever see anything like that again, YOU call him out on it and take all the DC out of the house.

By not saying anything, how is your reaction different to that of your mother? She's dealt with it for longer, so has rationalised it, and normalised it. Raised in a household like his, you could feasibly end up doing the same.

Please act. Mental and emotional abuse are WORSE than physical, this is actively harming your DN.

What a sad situation, your poor mum . Yes I would tell your sister. How was it like growing up,with him?

Don't be put off by some of the stories on there, what's shocking to us, is normal to others who have experienced it. What's normal to you, horrified us.

You will benefit from knowing that there are others who grew up with nasty people for parents, you'll understand how it's NOT your fault, and how it's their choice to treat us badly.

Imagine your DN. She's learning now that she's bad. That she's naughty. When she's NOT. She has you to look out for her, you had no-one.

would you want your sister to tell you if he spoke to your child like that even if he dislikes children (grandchild) no need to be nasty to her lil girls got enought to deal with then grandad picking on her to BIG BULLY.

Yes not great, luckily he wasnt around much when I was growing up as he was too busy out enjoying himself and going out with other women. But when he was around he could be truly vile and aggressive, you were lucky he gave you a roof over your head and had paid for a school uniform according to him it does surprise me dsis would leave her dd when he's around but I suppose dm is available at short notice for emergencies.

My dh and dm told me not to say anything as the relationship between dad and dsis is already bad and me saying would probably finish it and may make things harder for dm. I will say though as the children come first for dsis and I.

What about your sisters H's parents? are they around? I'm sure most people that know them would be happy to help with child care in those emergencies.

Definitely tell her, yes, she's got a lot on,but if her poor little DD starts to show signs of suffering or distraught at having to go, it will be much worse. Good luck love x

Did your mum ever leave you and your sister with this man when you were small?

Your sister has the choice of staying with the other child, or her husband doing so. She needs to have the ability to make an informed choice, by knowing what it is like for that child to spend time with her grandfather.

you should talk to your sister once this crisis is over. She can make other plans for emergancy childcare, she might well have friends she could ask if she doesn't feel she can ask your mum anymore.

By agreeing to cover up for him, you and your mother are allowing your sister's child to be abused. You end up complicit in it, and on some level betray her and her H, and other child.

don't do it. tell the sister. She has a right to know, and if he's so bothered about the relationship between him and your sister, HE needs to sort himself out, doesn't he?

You can't keep this secret. Once the crisis is over, you need to tell her.

yes it will blow the family apart, but that is HIS doing, and to a slightly lesser extent, your enabling mother's.

Your DM could go and look after DN at your sister's home. That dreadful man has ruled the roost for too long. If all of you tackle this, he will back down, he is a coward at the end of the day. All bullies are.

Ooh, that looks like an accusation, poorly worded. I meant that IF you do as your DF and DM ask, you will be in on it with them somehow...

That would suit your DF, cos you would be as bad as him, but it would cut your DSIS to the bone, the fact that you ALL knew her DD was being verbally and emotionally abused, maltreated and barely tolerated.

Could your dm look after dn at dn house? If not i think you have to say something.

Could you take your dn? If not you really must tell your dsis so she can make other arrangements. If you don't tell then you are enabling your father's abusive behaviour. Your poor sister :(

It's so hard, but telling her is the right thing to do for your neice. She's the child and needs to be protected from this sort of behaviour or she'll grow up thinking that it is in some OK.

As there are two of them, your sis and her h, they can share the duties - being at the hospital and being at home. Both of the children need their parents with them, not just the sick one. Your little neice is learning that she isn't important, or not as important as her sister.

Most parents would share the duties - one at home and the other at hospital. That's my experience, anyway. Is there a particular reason they don't do it like that?

I think you should have taken on your father. He has gone through life being a nasty man, and gotten away with it.