Arrangements with Ex

[AeroFX]

At the moment my EX is doing a Nursing course and while i promised to be as flexible as possible to allow her to do the course i'm at my wits end.

I have told her that from now on i will not have the children Sunday or Monday but that any other day of the week i will have them gladly. This means i can have some me time, make plans in advance and see my girlfriend too.

Generally speaking we have them equally, but there are times i have them a little more because of her course. The major issue is the unpredictable timetable. This weekend from Sunday Night till Friday Morning she wanted me to have kids. These days are set by her every week and i'm tired of not knowing when she's on placement where i'm going to be. I'm only asking for two days set. Is this unreasonable?

How long is her course for?

How much notice does she get of what her hours will be?

Yes, of course you need to be able to have some predictability for your own plans. But must that be rigidly set days?

If this is a limited time thing, I would suck it up.

Where will your DCs be otherwise?

Course is 3 Years Long. She is nearing end of 1st Year.

Hours for Placement: she got a week in advance i believe however she has refused to contact them before attending saying making arrangements prior to attending was impossible regardless of the circumstances.

Well this is a thing. Beyond a week or two ahead, i cannot possibly know what days are 'mine' and as a result i pretty much end up staying in and the days vary that much that i have no routine. i'm confident with a couple of days set a week i can at least have a life and my friends and girlfriend can see me and finally i can manage my business.

My kids would be with her if she will change her arrangements.

Do you already have a career in place yourself?

Just turned self employed!

Presumably your working previously was made possible by her assistance with childcare?

How can she change her arrangements? It's a placement.

What I actually meant was if you refuse to have the DCs when your ex is on placement, what arrangements will you make for their care?

Does it cause and issue with work, or is it just your social life that gets ruined? Don't you want to see your kids?

"me time"

In all honesty i have been caring for them since birth. all of them. Full time when we were together while she worked.

Depends . When I was on placement I often did not know my shifts until a few days before as off duty is notoriously done late, qualified rota is done and then the students to accommodate them working with their mentor.

If your ex has to swap shifts because you won't have children she may struggle to work with her mentor (and become unpopular with the staff!)

However, hopefully when off duty is done we normally get at least 4 weeks worth so she should be able to let you know when she wants you to have the children so you will get time to plan

So you were the primary carer, then you split up and you are now the non-resident parent? Would it be easier for you to look at being the resident parent again and her having access which you could be a little more control of?

Of course i want to see my children. They came here four days ago, they go back to mothers tonight. They return here tomorrow night and stay with me again till Friday morning. It does cause issues with work. I'm trying to get a business off the ground!

Right so she's always worked, you've always had dc. All has been equal.

Can I ask if a nursing degree is year round or is just during term time?

Can I ask if a nursing degree is year round or is just during term time?

Not a clue to be honest but i assume the latter.

Right if its only term time then surely you can get time to do your own thing then?

I don't want to exist around term times. I have the kids in my name. Registered as living here. I have them 4/3 days and sometimes as often as 6/1 days. What i want to know is 1) Am i being unreasonable asking for those two set days and happy to have them the rest of the time and 2) Will a nursing placement flat refuse to allow for what i'm asking. If i'm being unreasonable then i'm look at the situation again. If the nursing plaement will not allow her to be with her children 2 days then i'll just have them and forget it lol.

I think you should be flexible so that your ex can develop a secure career that will benefit your children in the long run. It's only for two years.

I think your reasons or NOT wanting too are selfish and pathetic.

To not too

Excellent and the business that i've established for the sake of financial security for my children?

Well you use the word "established" so I presume you're doing ok?

Also you were whining about "me time" and not being able to make plans with your new GF in your OP, which seemed to be the main issue.

Yes, you are being unreasonable in asking for set days I'm afraid as her current situation does not allow her to have set days off. Of course it would be more convenient to have set days but this is not possible at the moment.

It sucks when you're responsible for children 99% of the time and don't have much time for your own life, but that's just how life is as a single parent. I sympathise - it is tough and things like dating are much more difficult than they would be if you were free & single, but you're not.

Try and work through this as adults, see how far in advance she gets her timetable and then set which days she will have the DC as soon as this is available. She needs a life too - it's not just you.

What is the nature of your business and is it possible to do 5 days per week or do you need set days?

If you do need set days then you need to get some kind of childcare in place. Some childminders are flexible and will be happy for days to be set on a week by week basis. They are harder to find but they do exist.

so you're the main carer still and you want her as non-resident parent to have set access days? Depending on the ages of the DCs, id be tempted to say she has her access days, how she arranges childcare on her access days if she needs to work is her problem, in the same way that non-resident fathers have to cope.

I'd also ask her about what her realistic commitments are timewise, could she change it so you know you've got the DCs 5 set days a week (and you can arrange childcare so you can work or get babysitters so you can go out in the evening for those days) and she'll have the other 2, if she needs childcare for them, she arranges it? If she finds she has spare days on one of your days to have them, then she can ask you for the time.

At the moment, you are trying to rely on someone who is unreliable and who is used to you just fitting in with them. Set days will also be better for the DCs, it must be very unsettling for them to not know when they will see their mum.

do you have any family support nearby you can call on?