Arrangements with Ex

[AeroFX]

At the moment my EX is doing a Nursing course and while i promised to be as flexible as possible to allow her to do the course i'm at my wits end.

I have told her that from now on i will not have the children Sunday or Monday but that any other day of the week i will have them gladly. This means i can have some me time, make plans in advance and see my girlfriend too.

Generally speaking we have them equally, but there are times i have them a little more because of her course. The major issue is the unpredictable timetable. This weekend from Sunday Night till Friday Morning she wanted me to have kids. These days are set by her every week and i'm tired of not knowing when she's on placement where i'm going to be. I'm only asking for two days set. Is this unreasonable?

YABU to whine about wanting set days to see your girlfriend and have some 'me time'. You're a parent, those things come second to your children now, and always.

YWNBU to want set days because it's in the best interests of your children.

Why don't you ask your ex if it's possible to amend her shifts, instead of strangers on the internet? What other support do you have so that you can get some time off if you need it?

As you are the resident parent its your responsibility have a contact arrangement its usually in the best interests of the children for this to be at a set time and a set day or days,how she chooses to arrange her work patten or child care during these times is up to her.so for her to agree would be the decent thing.

However you cannot force her to do so and the bottom line is that if she does not agree then the responsibility will always remain with you.

Sad as it may be some nrp's will always expect there work or social life to take priority over child contact and they will always expect the rp to alter there arrangements and keep hold of the children so they can do there thing.its the old I love my kids but only when it suits me attitude and there is bugger all you can do about it.

I'm with Dontmind here. You might actually be better off, as the RP, assuming full responsibility - including child care while you're working - set 2 contact days for her that she needs to organise her own childcare around etc.

But don't make it 2 weekend days - once kids are at school they're the fun days and it's not fair for one parent to get all of them.

Am I the only one that think OP isn't being unreasonable?

I work in a job with shift patterns with people who need some set times to arrange childcare and/or work round their partner's work. Our work is obliged to do this to try and meet parents needs. They're must be other people on her course that also have children and who have similar needs. She should at least talk to the course conveyor to try and arrange something more workable. OP's also trying to build a career for himself and it's just not practible to expect you to work round this unpredictable a routine for the next two years. I feel like if this situation was the other way about we'd all be a little less quick to say he was BU

The OP did not even think to mention the career in the OP, only the impact of their social life. It's also only in term times and they promised to be flexible. I think the OP should suck it up and make it quite clear things will change after training.

Or they can BOTH invest in decent paid for childcare.

OP, you're not being unreasonable. Really you should have notice and be able to plan. However, giving her this time to establish her career would be great. My Ex-H, who was a crap H, was actually a reasonable and nice person to divorce. We both tried to be nice, polite, reasonable, communicative and it worked. The divorce was amicable. For the sake of your DC, could you suck it up, see it as temporary, make sure she knows what a big ask it was and save up the goodwill?

The biggest difficulty here is that she genuinely doesn't know when her placement hours are - she's not making it up or doing it to be awkward.

When I did my training (which I had to give up because of this) they gave me a 6am shift in central London which I had to drive to as the tubes hadnt started from where I lived.

Dd didn't leave for school til 8am. There was NO flexibility.

I'd think carefully about this if I were you as surely it helps you all as a family if she qualifies?

Unless your rolling in money and can afford to spend a lot on the children

Nursing degree IS NOT term time.

The problem with placements is that you change wards/depts etc and whilst one might be fine with you having set days off, others might not (not because they are being mean but may not be able to do because of working with mentors, balancing needs of other student etc , no-one would want 4 students on one shift and none on another for example)

Your ex will be expected to work earlies/lates/weekends and nights . There is very little flexibility so I think YABU if you have the capacity to support her but just don't want to , however if you don't have the flexibility (for work not ME time) then maybe you need to consider alternative childcare - childminders etc but obv this will entail more expense

The OP said they assumed the nursing degree WAS only term time so I went on that.

i havent read all the posts but OP i am sort of in your position.

i am PWC. dc go their father's EOW- i am trying to get set up in my own business and as i haven't been able to get regular child free time it is very slow going. i have asked EXp to help me out midweek for 2 days a week. he refuses. he says that as i was always the one at home i have made my choice and have to live with it. he doesn't accept that childcare is his responsibility so i am essentially his free childcare for 3.5 days a week.

i think the only fair arrangement is for you both to come to an agreement about paid childcare for the DCs. you pay half and she pays half. then outside of 8-6 hours you will be seeing your dcs like other parents who work out of home.

fwiw i certainly dont think your career should be disadvantaged because the other parent has a career. neither is more entitled than the other to work or build a future for yourselves. you both have to play fair with each other.

Yanbu,

I assume you got no say in her going ahead with this course.

Having done placement sometimes the first week is unavoidable so you need to be flexible but she will have a rota after that. She is having a laugh with u tbh.

Her mentor will be used to people with kids and its fine there is some come and go.

I wud tell her two free days, and that in extremes you will change, otherwise no. That sounds fair.

No, YANBU.

Your ex needs to take some responsibility as well, she can't expect you to revolve your life around the course that she has chosen to do. Her children come first, as they clearly do to you as well. She shouldn't have chosen a course that can be this unpredictable when she is relying on someone else to make it possible for her.

I appreciate that her caring for the children has enabled OP to do things as well, but that isn't something she deserves any credit or a good star for! These are her children too, and she needs to sort out childcare for those days if you are unable to do it, just as she would if you were working and unable to do it.

Set days works better for everyone, especially the children. Then it's up to each of you to be responsible for childcare on your days if you need it.

"I don't want to exist around term times" - you do realise that when the DCs are school age, you both will have to do this?

I agree with the other posters who say it might be better for you to resume role as RP and then work out times when she has DCs. You can aim for a regular schedule, but as her training genuinely doesn't allow her control over her timings, you'll need to be ready to be FT with them. As your greatest wish is for predicatbility, FT for next two years seems the most straightforward solution.

Yanbu, I would be really brassed off if my ex kept changing contact days. I don't know anything about nursing training, are the placements for 24 hours or like a normal working day? She should sort childcare out for her days, just like a resident parent has to.

Holidays seriously? OP doesn't need to have had a say in her doing the course. It's none of his business. OP and his ex should be working out some kind of arrangement which works for them both and is best for the children. Most likely the best arrangement would be that as soon as she knows her timetable of that particular placement she lets him know and they agree contact times for the duration of that placement, then when she changes, they discuss again.

If they have a clash where they both need to work on the same day then they need to sort either a family member to have the DC, after school clubs etc, or a childminder. This is probably more the responsibility of the parent who mainly cares for the children, but if the other parent can sort something out that would work too.

I don't think anyone has to revolve around anything. They just need to take both adults' situations into account, the children's needs into account and work out the best compromise for everyone.

YANBU. I think set days are better and if she has them on these set days, she takes care of child care. You take care of child care on the days that are yours.

,Yes seriously, if it was the other way around and it was a woman saying her ex was messing around with contact days I bet most people would be agreeing with me that set contact days are best for everyone, why should the resident parent have to arrange childcare for the nrp?

OP doesn't need to have had a say in her doing the course. It's none of his business.

Of course it's his business! She made it his business when she decided to do something that relies on him being able to be so flexible that he gets next to no notice of what he's doing.

She chose to do this course, it is her responsibility to make sure that it doesn't have a negative impact on other people.

The OP agreed to be flexible and he has been, and will continue to be for five out of seven days. He is being very reasonable and accomodating.

Sorry but the suggestion that an RP would be told to stick to set contact days, when the other parent worked (or as in this case studied) irregular shifts is bollocks. I'm in exactly that situation and the consequence of me saying to my ex he can only see DD on set, regular, days is that she would not see her dad. I don't particularly like living my life around someone else's shifts, but if I want my DD to have a chance to see her dad then I've no choice but to 'suck it up' just like the OP. If he is the main carer/RP then he's in exactly the same position as the rest of us - with zero control over when or how to impose any kind of structured contact where the NRP is not inclined to agree.

Don't these courses come with a nhs bursary which provides for a.childcare allowance?

it be only applicable if you are the parent with care and in receipt of the child benefit A1980 although i am not sure.

might only be applicable.

and bunch- the Op shouldn't have to accept such unpredictable visits from the ex. he is entitled to be able to plan his own career and life and he needs to a fixed agreement to be able to do so. he should be held to someone else's work schedule.

shouldn't

I would say exactly the same if it was a female poster whose male ex was working unpredictable shift patterns and could not change them. Come on, it's work - it's not like she's swanning off doing what she wants and airily saying it's not convenient to have the DC on X day. It should be possible for her to give notice and stick to that.

An ex messing around because they feel like it and/or to gain control is one thing. Having unpredictable shift patterns is different and unavoidable, and is a feature of loads of different industries. Plus it's only for another two years, it's not like it's going to continue until some unspecified point.

Set contact days ARE best but if she can't do set ones then that's clearly impractical and it's not fair to get all huffy when she is unable - not unwilling, unable - to specify a set day.

I don't see why they can't coordinate days to make sure that the children get reasonable contact with both parents and then on days both parents are working, arrange alternative childcare, perhaps with the cost split between both of them. That seems like the most practical solution to me.