To really be at the end of my tether about my mum undermining me with my kids? Help!
Veryfrustratedandupset · 31/05/2013 19:12
I've never had the most harmonious relationship with my parents. Basically as a child I was never the favourite, my sister was, and I was emotionally neglected. My parents were always very very harsh with me, and often invented or imagined that I had done things wrong, and I would be smacked, shouted at, or sulked at for days.
I am now mid thirties and have three children; their ages are 13, 5 and 3. My 13 year old is from my first marriage and the younger two are my DH's children.
My mum has always undermined me a bit with the kids; things such as storming out of my house if I tell any of my kids off, and huffing and tutting at her house if I tell them off in any way. As well as blatently undermining me wherever we are, for example if I tell them they can't have any sweets. She smirks and gives them some.
She is now getting worse and worse at undermining me, especially with my teenager. My teen is a typical teen; in general she is a good girl but she does have her moments and is sometimes quite rude to me. However my mum won't have a bad word said to her/about her, and totally undermines me. If I tell DD off my mum will go over to her and whisper to her, then try to negotiate with DH and I so that DD can have her own way. If we tell DD off my mum starts having a go at DH and I, saying things like "poor DD" and tutting and shaking her head.
This afternoon my mum popped round and DD was up in her bedroom sulking as she couldn't have her own way about something. My mum went straight upstairs and came down and started getting cross with DH as DD was 'upset' because DH wouldn't let her have her own way. DH said that we weren't budging and it was still a no and my mum really got annoyed with DH.
It's like my mum is trying to create a wedge between DD and I. I wouldn't mind her fiercely defending DD all the time except that she spent the whole of my childhood shouting at me, punishing me and never ever stood up for me when my dad bellowed in my face until I wet myself, or when my dad was hitting me when I hadn't done anything wrong. My mum always has a smirk on her face when defending DD when DD has done wrong. At a recent family event DD put some sausages from the buffet in my boots and there was grease in my boots. I told DD off and my mum then came along, cuddled DD then started sniggering and tried to tell me it was my nephew, when my DD had already admitted it was her.
My mum also seems to see me as some kind of grandchild producing machine. She ignores me in my own home, and doesn't listen to a thing I say.
I am on the verge of cutting her out of my life. She has no respect for me at all
reelingintheyears · 31/05/2013 19:18
I would tell her to mind her own business or stay away and i would mean it,in fact i would have done it years ago before it got this bad.
Simple as that.
And as for your DD putting greasy sausages in your boots,i'd have withheld any pocket money until she's bought me a new pair,that isn't even a little bit funny,just rude.
schobe · 31/05/2013 19:18
If I were you I would cut down on contact before your DD is old enough to text her to come and get her when you're teaching her values being 'beastly'. Before you know it she 'moves in' with granny.
It would be nice to think that she would then learn what a nightmare granny is. But not many teens object to being given whatever they want and allowed to do whatever they want or go wherever they want.
So they don't realise but end up very damaged and indulged individuals.
Honestly, cut right back on the toxic contact in any devious way you possibly can.
Bitter experience involving some family members a long, long time ago.
Veryfrustratedandupset · 31/05/2013 19:22
Thank you everyone. I have tried, in the last couple of years, to really minimise contact with my parents. It would be hard to cut them off totally as they live very nearby. Not that they really enhance anything in my life at all really.
I really feel that she is trying to make DD prefer her to me. I think too that her ultimate aim is to turn all of my children against me.
Snazzywaitingforsummer · 31/05/2013 19:25
I definitely don't think she should coming round to yours if she won't respect your decisions. If you are going to have contact at all, I would only do it elsewhere so that you can leave when you're ready, and indeed the moment she oversteps a boundary. And your DH and you should have a talk with your DD about the boundaries here.
Veryfrustratedandupset · 31/05/2013 19:29
What upsets me too is my mum cares so much about my childrens' feelings but doesn't seem to give a stuff about mine. It's fine for me to be upset or to struggle if the kids are naughty or be sad if DD has ruined something of mine, but not ok for them to be upset.
I think that's all part of her gameplan though...
IneedAsockamnesty · 31/05/2013 19:36
In Her house the only way you can change her behaviour is by not going there.
Yours is a very different matter. If you cut her out you could be doing more damage In the long run your dd will view it as you taking away her defender and it will make her even more attractive.
When she comes in your house do not let her upstairs if she try's to go up there then tell her not to. Or do not let her arrange to visit or pop over when you are managing bad behaviour. Every time she undermines you and dh loudly tell her to stop embarrass her if needs be but assert yourself.
If it stops annoying you and you start treating her like a pesky child she will stop.
iamadoozermum · 31/05/2013 19:44
She's just found a new way of emotionally abusing you. Now you're an adult and she can't do to you what she did when you were a child, she's found another way of doing it, using your children. I don't think she really cares about your children's feelings at all, it's just a way of getting to you by undermining you and making you feel bad about the way she treated you. She wants you to be upset and struggle. What does DH think? He seems to be very supportive of you and you are presenting a united front which is great.
zzzzz · 31/05/2013 19:44
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Veryfrustratedandupset · 31/05/2013 19:51
Thank you again everyone for the advice.
DH luckily can see straight through her and knows what she is like. He gets really cross too when she tries to undermine us.
iamadoozermum, yes I think you are right, she has just found another way to abuse me. I totally agree that she doesn't particularly care about the childrens' feelings, she just wants to hurt me any which way she can.
RenterNomad · 31/05/2013 20:31
What absolutely disgusting behaviour.
As for your DD, it might already be difficult to cut her off from her indulgent granny, but how do you think she would respond to the idea that GM was trying to alienate you (and DH) from her (the 13 y.o.), by encouraging this behaviour (I'd be interested to know how the idea of sausages in your shoes arose - that's alredy pretty out of line). GM doesn't care how many friends 13yo might lose, either, by potentially turnong into a bitch. Get her to see how GM doesn't fit in well with others, and ask her whether she wants to be left alone with such a person. (perhaps hint at the risk GM could turn ob
Pinkflipflop · 31/05/2013 20:58
How mature is your 13 year old? Could you talk to her about what your childhood was like? Put her in the picture regarding your mother?
Your mother is adding nothing to your life and has made no moves to reconcile the past so I don't see why you would need to protect her from dd knowing the truth.
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