To really be at the end of my tether about my mum undermining me with my kids? Help!

[Veryfrustratedandupset]

I've never had the most harmonious relationship with my parents. Basically as a child I was never the favourite, my sister was, and I was emotionally neglected. My parents were always very very harsh with me, and often invented or imagined that I had done things wrong, and I would be smacked, shouted at, or sulked at for days.

I am now mid thirties and have three children; their ages are 13, 5 and 3. My 13 year old is from my first marriage and the younger two are my DH's children.

My mum has always undermined me a bit with the kids; things such as storming out of my house if I tell any of my kids off, and huffing and tutting at her house if I tell them off in any way. As well as blatently undermining me wherever we are, for example if I tell them they can't have any sweets. She smirks and gives them some.

She is now getting worse and worse at undermining me, especially with my teenager. My teen is a typical teen; in general she is a good girl but she does have her moments and is sometimes quite rude to me. However my mum won't have a bad word said to her/about her, and totally undermines me. If I tell DD off my mum will go over to her and whisper to her, then try to negotiate with DH and I so that DD can have her own way. If we tell DD off my mum starts having a go at DH and I, saying things like "poor DD" and tutting and shaking her head.

This afternoon my mum popped round and DD was up in her bedroom sulking as she couldn't have her own way about something. My mum went straight upstairs and came down and started getting cross with DH as DD was 'upset' because DH wouldn't let her have her own way. DH said that we weren't budging and it was still a no and my mum really got annoyed with DH.

It's like my mum is trying to create a wedge between DD and I. I wouldn't mind her fiercely defending DD all the time except that she spent the whole of my childhood shouting at me, punishing me and never ever stood up for me when my dad bellowed in my face until I wet myself, or when my dad was hitting me when I hadn't done anything wrong. My mum always has a smirk on her face when defending DD when DD has done wrong. At a recent family event DD put some sausages from the buffet in my boots and there was grease in my boots. I told DD off and my mum then came along, cuddled DD then started sniggering and tried to tell me it was my nephew, when my DD had already admitted it was her.

My mum also seems to see me as some kind of grandchild producing machine. She ignores me in my own home, and doesn't listen to a thing I say.

I am on the verge of cutting her out of my life. She has no respect for me at all

[Greenkit]

My mum was like this, until I stopped being a victim, and finally stood up to her and told her to bugger off. I stopped having any contact with her for 7 years, until my lovely F-in-L bumped into her and said she was missing us.We rekindled the relationship, took things very slowly, never met at eachothers homes only 'safe' places which I could walk out off if needed and now we have a good relationship, sometimes she is a pain, but I can stand up for myself now.

Good luck, its hard but worth it.

Dont let her treat you like shit any more xx

[Pinkflipflop]

You have had 36 years of living in fear of her and trying to please her. It hasn't worked.

Nothing is going to change.

She is a nasty woman.

[HibiscusIsland]

It sounds like your mum is a really bad influence on your dd and is out to turn her against you. Do you think she would have done it if your mum wasn't around? ie was she doing it as she knew your mum would lap it up and stand up for her. Time to cut your losses i think. I hope you get some support with this on the Relationships board

[ScrambledSmegs]

She's a shit mum and a shit grandmother. She's not enhancing anyone in your immediate family's life, and she's actively trying to make yours worse.

I know it's hard, because you desperately want her to be the mother you always wanted and needed, but she can't be that person. It isn't in her. I'm so sorry, OP.

You can cut off contact. You can.

(phone, sorry for bluntness, usually more waffly)

[Veryfrustratedandupset]

It was my teenager that did it, Hibiscus. My mum didn't tell her to do it, she did it as a so-called joke. However when I found the sausages I wasn't happy as there was then lots of grease inside my new boots. I asked DD if it was her that did it and she said yes, and that she was sorry, and I was telling her off and that it just wasn't a very funny joke, and my mum then came along, cuddled DD and started sniggering and saying "Noooo, it wasn't DD, it must have been your two year old nephew, DD wouldn't do anything like that". DD was then really rude to me and started giving me a mouthful as she knew Nan was on her side. When I tried to tell DD off again for being rude my mum told me to "Shhhh" and to leave her alone.

[HibiscusIsland]

I think you should stop seeing her or letting her in your house. It sounds like your parents were thoroughly abusive when you were a child and your mum is being vile now. How old was the child who put sausages in your shoes? It seems an odd thing to do and I wondered if your mum encouraged the child to do that. It's like something a school bully would do to make a fool of someone.

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Its just another stick to beat you with and cause drama. If any relavtives believe her and won't listen to you rside of things then they are cut from the same cloth as her and its better you find out.

Think what's the worst that could happen? You know the health problem would mysteriously reappear but honestly if she did die would the world come to an end?
Don't get me wrong you'd grieve, then you would grieve for the mother she never was. Then you would most likely promise yourself you would be the kind of mother to your daughter you wished she had been.
So what's stopping you putting that into practise now?

[Crumbledwalnuts]

Health problems are a classic part of the "script" apparently. Don't fret about that. Your own health and your family are at stake - way more important.

[lilackaty]

I understand that it would be very tough but any stress she was under is a direct result of her own behaviour. What about your health and your stress?
She sounds horrid. Is there a chance of talking to your dd1 & getting her to understand something of what your mother is like?
Are you close to other members of your family?

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

What an awful thing of her to say. That really is terrible of her and I can totally understand why you are upset and scared by that - who wouldn't be? She is wrong, though, of course. Any stress affecting her health would be down to her and her behaviour. She needs to fix that herself. It's not your responsibility to keep her healthy, and you have to put yourself first. If for no other reason, you have your own DC to consider - you can't sacrifice yourself to your mother, because they depend on you. Definitely discuss this with a counsellor.

[Veryfrustratedandupset]

I think I am frightened of confrontation with my mum and of cutting off contact with her because of the following reason (it's going to sound pathetic and very stupid):

When I was a child she repeatedly told me that one day she would drop down dead because of me as I was so difficult and awful, and that everyone would blame me and the whole family would never speak to me again. She has, in the past couple of years, had a health problem that I suspect would happen again if she was under stress.

[maddening]

She does it in your house then kick her out. She does it in her house then you and your family leave.

However I would cut her out for life.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

I just had an extra thought. If you are going to get tough I would lay the groundwork. She's psychotic so you've got an excuse. The groundwork with your daughter would be to start having some "worried" or even "hushed" conversations with your husband about your mother's behaviour, is she losing it a bit "at her age", is her behaviour becoming irrational, erratic, does she need to see a doctor. "We're a bit concerned bout granny that's all." Then if she goes completely bonkers maintain the whole "she's going mad" thing with your daughter (because after all, she is slightly off the wall already with her ridiculous childish unkind behaviour.

[Snazzywaitingforsummer]

Oh no, keep her away from them completely then. Liking them 'sometimes' is not enough to keep your parents in your kids' lives when they are otherwise so toxic. But totally understandable that you are anxious about it. Take control though and you will feel better in time. Can you get the Toxic Parents book?

[IAmNotAMindReader]

Keep her away from your family she is using your daughter as a means to bully you and invalidate you still. The smirk says it all, she knows what she is doing and most of all your poor daughter doesn't realise her grandmother is using her as a pawn to hurt her mother.

[Crumbledwalnuts]

I got my she's and her's mixed up there - some of them refer to your mum and some to your daughter but I'm sure you can get the gist!

[Crumbledwalnuts]

Malevolent is such a good word here! You need to get rid rather than limit contact because the feeling of liberation and empowerment will be huge, and it will also make you stronger with your daughter. I'm sure your daughter is lovely. But your mum is going to fill your head with worry and stress even when she's not there, so long as you have contact. Also, every time you have issues with your daughter she'll be in the back of your mind and you won't be able to take just the right tone with her, you could be tougher than you would be, or not tough enough, because you've always got your mum in the back of your mind. Would it be awfully hard to say no, you can't come in today. No, you can't come over. No, I don't want to see you. Why? I just don't. At the worst, rejecting her might make her behaviour worse (likely) and then your daughter will be able to see it for what it is. But it will make you feel very powerful and confident to see your mother genuinely upset and frustrated by your actions, by taking back "ownership" of your family. She'll be really pissed off, and you will be allowed for a little while not to "rise above it" (as one really ought) but to thoroughly enjoy it and make the most of it.

[Veryfrustratedandupset]

Thank you again everyone.

I can't sleep and am currently wide awake. I'm so cross about it all. I am a 36 year old woman, normally quite assertive and I don't stand for any nonsense from others so why at my age am I still terrified of my parents? I feel really anxious tonight as I know I have to make some decisions, and almost like I did as a child when I knew I'd be getting a telling off in the morning.

The children do like her sometimes,but I wouldn't say my parents behave in traditional grandparent roles. They like to come across as being doting grandparents in front of others, but they have very short tempers, and get annoyed with the children very easily. Each child has come home upset from my parents' house more than once because they have been shouted at and told off for things they didn't do. Ironically my mother seems to take it upon herself to discipline and shout at my children, but I'm apparently not allowed to do so.

[WafflyVersatile]

Step over the verge.

Do your children like her?

If you are not going to cut her out completely then you need a zero tolerance policy.

Shut her up, put her in her place, kick her out each and every time she plays up. Your DH is onside so that's good.

[Pinkflipflop]

How mature is your 13 year old? Could you talk to her about what your childhood was like? Put her in the picture regarding your mother?

Your mother is adding nothing to your life and has made no moves to reconcile the past so I don't see why you would need to protect her from dd knowing the truth.

[RenterNomad]

On her, too.

The interpretation of a malevolent old woman and my wronged parents would have fascinated me at 13. Many teenagers are also very worked up abput injustices!

[RenterNomad]

What absolutely disgusting behaviour.

As for your DD, it might already be difficult to cut her off from her indulgent granny, but how do you think she would respond to the idea that GM was trying to alienate you (and DH) from her (the 13 y.o.), by encouraging this behaviour (I'd be interested to know how the idea of sausages in your shoes arose - that's alredy pretty out of line). GM doesn't care how many friends 13yo might lose, either, by potentially turnong into a bitch. Get her to see how GM doesn't fit in well with others, and ask her whether she wants to be left alone with such a person. (perhaps hint at the risk GM could turn ob

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

I know it must be really difficult but you owe it to your children to put your relationship with them first- especially your eldest who is at a really vunerable age, if your relationship gets damaged now it may never recover