Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Need some advice, bad partner or my hormones??

40 replies

lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 16:51

I'm not sure if I'm feeling more down due to hormones etc.. But I have been with my partner for 5 years on and off we have a almost 9 month old daughter and I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second child.
I am really upset with the way my partner treats me. He is a good dad and provides for us but everything he does for me or our daughter gets thrown in my face all the time. He says i couldnt live without him and me and my daughter would have nothing if it wernt dor hom. he constantly tells me what to do, shouting all the time when he can't find something, smashes things up in my flat granted he did pay for most of the things in the house as I was on maternity when I got it but he lives here too. I look after our baby do the housework, washing, shopping etc and he just calls me a lazy c and all I do I sit on my arse all day, he never gets up in the night with the baby always me and if I ever ask him for and help he just says its your job, you decided to have a baby you wanted to be a housewife you deal with it i go to work! like you are still a dad and a partner any decent person would help there pregnant gf, I never ask for help much but when I do I get told no. he never asks how I'm feeling, haven't even touched my belly since I've been pregnant, will do anything for anyone else but not for me. He's always aggressive and basically makes me feel like s about myself. Never get amy compliments just about get conversation out of him and I'm struggling at the mo I'm tired and feel really down and he dosent care. I've tried talking to him and he says hea not changing theres no point keep trying to have that convo.. all I want is a bit of respect and gratitude for what I do. Which is everything once he's back from work he's on the sofa all night ordering me about. Demands sex if I say no I get abuse from him. I really don't know what to so anymore I've told him to leave before he just refuses. And please don't judge me but I am dreading this baby coming as I know things are going to be a lot harder and I still won't get help. My family live far away so I can't really turn to them for help.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/05/2013 16:55

You're not married. Is your home mortgaged or rented, and whose name(s) is/ are on the deeds/lease?

You need to contact Women's Aid, fast. This is not your hormones, this is your bastard soon-to-be-ex.

InsanelyBrainDeprived · 30/05/2013 16:55

Why do you put up with this?

Leave.

Get some advice and leave him.

Boomba · 30/05/2013 16:56

You need to leave him
Do you have ant money?
Is the house in joint names?

Cherriesarelovely · 30/05/2013 16:57

I wouldn't dream of judging you. He sounds like a very unpleasant, abusive man and it sounds as if you recognise that. Smashing things up, shouting abuse at you, demanding sex, putting you down and refusing to talk about any of it because he is determined not to change?? You need to get out OP or get him out if you can. There is huge support here, particularly on the relationship board. Keep posting and people will help you.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2013 16:57

Why can't you turn to your family for help???
Would they come and get you?
Are they in the same country?
You need to get out and you need to do it quickly.
He is seriously abusing you and you should not be putting up with it.
I would be off out of there to my family, as long as they are supportive and happy to have you.
There will be much more wise MN on soon to give you some good sound advice.
Definitely call Womens Aid as well to help you out of there.

LineRunner · 30/05/2013 16:58

This is not about your hormones, this is about your partner being an utter knob to you.

(By the way you might want to think about asking MNHQ to move this to 'Relationships'.)

Noideaatall · 30/05/2013 16:59

he sounds horrible. I have been in a simliar situation though - I used to think, how could I manage by myself? But a wise friend said - you're already doing it. I think it's so much harder being a SAHM as you don't have any time 'off'. Are there any other mums you know locally? Sometimes that can be a real lifesaver. Just to be doing something else, meeting at someone else's house, away from him & doing something that's just for you. Maybe NCT group or similar? ( I avoid them myself but I'm antisocial ! )
I would say that in my experience people don't change much though - so he's unlikely to turn into a prince...

StuntGirl · 30/05/2013 17:03

Your partner is an abuser.

I know it seems super hard right now, and like you can't ever change anything, but you can.

Women's Aid can help you, or you can call them on 0808 2000 247.

You can change things.

Original poster
lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 17:03

The tenancy is in my name, I have told him to leave but he hasn't then will act like nothing's happened the next day. I feel bad as he has decorated this whole flat and furnished it, it's he's home too if you know what I mean I'm not making excuses for him but when I say leave I end up feeling guilty...

OP posts:
LineRunner · 30/05/2013 17:04

From experience I would say it is easier to be a single mother than to be with someone who is abusive.

He may bring home money, but there will be help for you with housing costs and money if you are on your own and getting away from him.

Original poster
lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 17:04

It's rented. I'm the only one on the tenancy

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 30/05/2013 17:06

Next time he leaves the house, gather up all of his belongings and put them outside, maybe in a shed or something if you can. Then change the locks.

He has no right to be under your roof, no matter how nicely he's decorated, or how much furniture he's bought (and smashed).

HollyBerryBush · 30/05/2013 17:08

Get rid of him. I never say LTB but do you really want your children brought up in a DV environment? you owe it to your daughter not to be cowed down and seeing her mother treated like a piece of shit. Which, sadly is exactly what he's doing, unless you get a perverse enjoyment out of being called a cunt

Boomba · 30/05/2013 17:08

Put his stuff outside, change the licks and go away for a few days.

Or, call the police; tell them he is abusive and won't leave

Or, see a solicitor and get a court order to have gum removed

You have to get rid of him. It is going to be messy and heart breaking. Dig deep, and do it. We are here.

Original poster
lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 17:08

That how I feel I might aswell be alone as I do everything anyway without him I would be doing it without all the stress and shit I get from him. If I didn't end up pregnant again I would of gone back to work. I would find a way to manage without his money, plenty of people do but he likes to think I would just drop down and die without him??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 17:11

You are being abused, love

Please find some way to leave him so that your babies are not forced to grow up in an atmosphere of domestic violence

LineRunner · 30/05/2013 17:11

And once he's gone, I wouldn't let him come back in. (Again, bitter experience there.)

You could arrange for him - or better still, tell him to arrange - to spend time with your DD at a local contact centre or sure start centre.

Boomba · 30/05/2013 17:11

It is easier on your own; without the abuse and stress

It doesn't matter what he thinks, about whether you can manage, or about anything in fact

Cherriesarelovely · 30/05/2013 17:14

Then you must get him out and change the locks. You need some support though. Do your family know what he is like?

Original poster
lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 17:14

I ment help wise with the babies, I can turn to them for help but when I try to talk about it I struggle to tell them the truth about how I'm feeling and how he treats me, i know my brother and dad would lose it and I don't want anything like that to happen... And I don't know why but I feel like I have to stay with him where I am pregnant i half sont want to be on my own. I know it sounds stupid

OP posts:
cranverry · 30/05/2013 17:15

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. Definitely not your hormones but your P's attitude.
You don't need to put up with his abuse, it doesn't matter a jot that he bought the furniture and decorated the place.
Please speak to your family (if you can) and Women's Aid and take steps to get this man out of your flat.

Original poster
lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 17:16

I would never stop him seeing our daughter he is a good dad and she loves him it's just me that he can't treat right

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemybabiesx · 30/05/2013 17:17

My family thinks he's a good person he's done a lot for them it's like a front he puts on around them... He's family also think the sun shines out his arse

OP posts:
LineRunner · 30/05/2013 17:18

Of course it doesn't sound stupid. When you are pregnant it is normal to want some TLC from your partner.

Unfortunately some of us don't get this. You aren't going to get any from this man and you need to be your own best friend now.

If you contact your family, just tell them you don't need the lecture, you need real support.

I expect your family suspect what he's like anyway and will be relieved you are making the break.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 30/05/2013 17:18

He's not a good Dad when he is abusing the mother of his child.

Get him out. And make those phone calls.

You can do this. Do not bring your children up thinking that the way their father treats their mother is normal. It's not.