Need some advice, bad partner or my hormones??

[lovemybabiesx]

I'm not sure if I'm feeling more down due to hormones etc.. But I have been with my partner for 5 years on and off we have a almost 9 month old daughter and I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second child.
I am really upset with the way my partner treats me. He is a good dad and provides for us but everything he does for me or our daughter gets thrown in my face all the time. He says i couldnt live without him and me and my daughter would have nothing if it wernt dor hom. he constantly tells me what to do, shouting all the time when he can't find something, smashes things up in my flat granted he did pay for most of the things in the house as I was on maternity when I got it but he lives here too. I look after our baby do the housework, washing, shopping etc and he just calls me a lazy c and all I do I sit on my arse all day, he never gets up in the night with the baby always me and if I ever ask him for and help he just says its your job, you decided to have a baby you wanted to be a housewife you deal with it i go to work! like you are still a dad and a partner any decent person would help there pregnant gf, I never ask for help much but when I do I get told no. he never asks how I'm feeling, haven't even touched my belly since I've been pregnant, will do anything for anyone else but not for me. He's always aggressive and basically makes me feel like s about myself. Never get amy compliments just about get conversation out of him and I'm struggling at the mo I'm tired and feel really down and he dosent care. I've tried talking to him and he says hea not changing theres no point keep trying to have that convo.. all I want is a bit of respect and gratitude for what I do. Which is everything once he's back from work he's on the sofa all night ordering me about. Demands sex if I say no I get abuse from him. I really don't know what to so anymore I've told him to leave before he just refuses. And please don't judge me but I am dreading this baby coming as I know things are going to be a lot harder and I still won't get help. My family live far away so I can't really turn to them for help.

It doesn't sound stupid, I do know what you mean in a way. Being pregnant (and having a young baby) can make you feel vulnerable and sometimes it seems easier to do nothing rather than make these really huge, difficult decisions. However, your DP sounds incredibly abusive and it doesn't sound as if you are safe living under the same roof as him.

This is an abusive relationship.

He is not a good father if he is bringing a child up in a household where women are abused.

It not that I don't feel safe I know he's a bastard but he wouldn't touch me or my daughter, it's all mental abuse . I've even spoke to his mum about it and she just kinda gives it he goes to work and he provides for you he good ra ra ra, but he's been brought up by his mum and sisters and is the only one in the family doing well for himself so hes the golden boy, Knowig hes only been brought up by women that you would think he would know how to treat a woman being brought up by them! I've said to him how would you feel if someone was treating your mum and sisters how you treat me and he says he's kill them so why do it to me???!

Just tell 1 person

It gets easier and easier

You are the example for your chuldren, of how a relationship should be. How would toy feel if your daughter was with a man that treated her like this?

It sounds like an awful situation to be in but you've made a really good first step by posting here.

You say he's a good dad but you also say that he doesn't do anything when he gets home nor gives you help when you ask or get up in the night to your DS. He might provide money and things but there is more to being a good dad and treating the mother of your child with respect and decency is a major part of that. A good dad doesn't trash the house his children live in and make their mother scared of what he will do next.

Abusers often do appear absolutely wonderful to other people, that's part of it, it stops you from leaving because you feel you are in the wrong. I'm guessing he controls the money, where you go and who you see as well? Again, all fairly common, it keeps you isolated, dependent and feeling that you can't escape. But you can, the tenancy being in your name makes you in a much stronger position for a start. Try Women's Aid and see what they say. Good luck and keep us updated.

Gross. This is an abusive relationship, he has no respect or affection for you, you are there for his convenience.

Having a job doesn't absolve you from loving and taking care of your pregnant gf, baby and home! When he's at work he obv can't help, but when he's at home things like housework and childcare should be 50:50 - except that you're pg, so naturally he should be doing more. Not just because it's fair (you are growing his baby after all!) but because he should want to. He sounds like a real piece of work, and not a good dad at all - not a good anything. x

Well, it sounds hideous enough to me. It is VERY abusive and bearing in mind the fact that he is unwilling to even talk about it I don't see how your relationship can continue.

Na he don't control the money really he gets me and dd whatever we want.. I think he likes to feel needed. Ive spoke to a few close friends and Sometime I think it's worse than it is like am I the only one that complains that their partner don't do anything around the house and takes shit off them? They partners cheat , don't come home spend all night in casinos spending their money and they still get shit from them too... This is why I mean about not knowing if itself hormones or what?? I end up thinking oh it could be worse...

That's is exactly how I want him to be. I want him to care, he says he does that's why he works but it's not. About the money and he don't understand that a bit of care and affection is free!

Well yes, it probably "could be worse" but then it is bad enough as it is from what you have told us already. Everyone has difficult, tense times in relationships, they get tired and tetchy when they have young kids. There are often rows about who does what and who is the most tired. That is all normal from my experience and from the vast number of women that I have talked to. Smashing things up, calling your DP a "lazy c*", demanding sex, shouting, refusing to help with your Dc at night ever, etc etc, that is not normal or healthy. If your friends are putting up with worse than that then I feel very sorry for them too.

Oh God not another one! Another B**rd who projects a 'wonderful man' image to everyone else; it just makes you think you are going mad, because no=one else can see the real him. Who cares, tho, what everyone else thinks. This is your life and your dc.

It is easier on your own (not easy, just easier) without his stress, abuse, mess.

ANd just because some other b**rds cheat, drink, gamble, punch - doesn't mean that because he doesn't, he is a 'good man'. That is something HE would say. Yes it could be worse, but it's bad enough and you don;t need to put up with it, just because there is nothing else.

He is not even a good father. That entails more than a bit of decorating.

What do you want to do love?

You know it's not your hormones, don't you?

He's making you doubt because he's manipulating you - your friends sound like they have shit partners too, but two wrongs do not make a right.

I have been with my DH for 20 odd years and he has never shouted at me, sworn at me or called me a name. I'm not lucky. That is how it should be

Do a little thought experiment - think about saying the things he says to you, to someone you love - a friend, relative, whatever. What does it sound like?

"Na he don't control the money really he gets me and dd whatever we want" - but HE gets it for you and this allows him to control what you have and make you feel grateful to him at the same time. Maybe he does give you a load of money and let's you spend it on what you want to buy, in which case ignore me . But you say that he bought most of the stuff in the house, he decorated it and furnished it - did he ask you what you wanted or did he choose it all himself?

He's already admitted to you that if someone behaved in the way he's treating you to his mum and sisters that he wouldn't find it acceptable. So he knows he's treating you badly. Just because he works and brings home the money doesn't give him the right to treat you like this, and he knows it.