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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who make arrangements then let you down.

30 replies

Morebiscuitsplease · 30/05/2013 12:41

Having been contacted by my friend yesterday to confirm arrangement to meet with dc she now blows us out. Not the first time...my dd2 really gets in well with her youngest but am tired of making arrangements then being left in the lurch. We could see other people... I know there are times when we need to duck out but this happens far too much. Not sure how to deal with this.....

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 30/05/2013 12:43

what was her reason

phantomhairpuller · 30/05/2013 12:50

This happened to us today too.

When I put DS1 to bed last night I told him we'd be seeing friend and her daughter in the morning. Lo and behold this morning I get a text today to say age can't make it due to car issues. So now I'm stuck in the house (3 weeks post c-section so can't drive) and DS1 is harping on about friends daughter and doesn't seem to accept that they're not coming Confused

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 30/05/2013 12:50

Sometimes I have blown people out when DDs were smaller...I was just so tired all the time and looking back, I was depressed too.

phantomhairpuller · 30/05/2013 12:53

That said, I can be a bit of a larry-let-down at times so maybe it's karma Blush

Original poster
Morebiscuitsplease · 30/05/2013 12:54

Her kids are exhausted and want to stay home and play the wii. We planned to meet locally for craft activities mid afternoon and have some tea together.

OP posts:
IndiansInTheLobby · 30/05/2013 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DewDr0p · 30/05/2013 12:54

She might be having a tough time.

Having said that I had a friend who did this to me all the time (but seemed v reliable with other people) and in the end I stopped suggesting things.

Can you include other people in the arrangements next time?

Original poster
Morebiscuitsplease · 30/05/2013 12:56

I find it hard managing children's disappointment. Only had a few free days this week too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morebiscuitsplease · 30/05/2013 12:59

Illness is of course understandable, that is a given but it happens too often. Excuses are she is busy so needs time to herself. Fine but why make arrangements in the first place. If I make an arrangement I stick with it, unless my kids are poorly.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 30/05/2013 14:08

Her excuse sounds very flakey, and probably actually translate into 'I can't be arsed to get the kids ready and out of the house so as they at Healy playing on the computer, ill just leave them there.'

I think you have to be quite flexible with arrangements when you have young children.

You can manage your children's disappointment by telling them the activity that you are doing and then do it whether your friend makes it or not. Tell them they might see their friends, but they might not. They are more likely to be disappointed if they think something is definitely going to happen rather than thinking it might happen.

pictish · 30/05/2013 14:14

I agree you have to be easy ozie with arrangements with fellow parents of smallfry...but even in saying that, her excuse was shite and I'd certainly not be in a rush to repeat it.

They'd rather stay in and play the wii eh?

Fuck off then.

Nectar · 30/05/2013 14:15

I know what you mean, MOREBISCUITS. I have a friend who often cancels on me and in the last year has given the following reasons -

Have got too much to do,
Too far behind with prep for dd's party at weekend,
Can't shake off a cold,
Too tired after work,
Double-booked myself,

And I'm sure there have been more!

I got a bit paranoid and stopped suggesting things for a while, but then realised she was just as likely to cancel if she'd suggested meeting up herself! I think she just gets bogged down with things and over commits but it's annoying if you've set aside the time or not done something else, because of her. She always cancels on the day too, with just a few hours noticeHmm

I hope your dd isn't disappointed for the whole daySad

AaDB · 30/05/2013 14:17

I don't tell DS until they are on their way. My friends and I often make plans that have to change at the last minute.

I would go out anyway.

Nectar · 30/05/2013 14:21

I do wonder sometimes if this is just how some people keep the contact going - Arrange to meet up, cancel and be all apologetic with promises to meet up the following week, cancel again and the cycle goes on and on. So months go by with many rushed conversations about dates/times etc, but nothing actually happening!

Blatherskite · 30/05/2013 14:52

I've just had to cancel plans last minute with a friend Blush

I've had a UTI coming on for a few days but it has really hit this afternoon and I'm running to the loo every 5 minutes. Fine at home but not what you want when visiting someone's house for only the 3rd time ever! I've told her I'm poorly as I thought the real reason was a bit TMI.

Groovee · 30/05/2013 15:18

I've had this. A friend regularly cancels when I get in touch to ask what time Sad.

DH's SIL used to cancel all the time too, yet she would rant and rave if you cancelled her.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 30/05/2013 15:22

Does she have anxiety? I have really bad anxiety and I end up cancelling a lot of things because of it. As the day of said thing approaches I begin to think I cannot cope with it, and cancel.

I frequently worry that I come across flakey and cold.

Dahlen · 30/05/2013 15:44

Depends on how much of a pattern it is. We all have things crop up from time to time, and a good friendship can weather those. However, if it's a regular occurrence it's highly disrespectful. It shows scant regard for your time and she didn't even contact you to let you now of a change of plans, you only found out when you contacted her to confirm.

I've been in this situation. I said I considered it very rude as I now had disappointed children and could have easily arranged something else had I known it would be cancelled. From now on I expected plans to be stuck to or I would not be making them in the future. In my case it worked a treat.

newryan · 30/05/2013 15:53

This really bugs me too. I find that you always know who will cancel and who will stick to arrangements. I think some people are just more spontaneous whereas I am a planner but it does become quite rude at times, especially if I've invited people over and prepared food and drinks.

I also know people who make plans with me then cancel them if something better comes along. After it happened a few times I stopped asking certain people to meet up which is a shame, but I'd rather arrange things with people I can rely on.

One friend of mine is really unreliable. I enjoy her company but have given up trying to pin her down to a day and time. She even "forgot" to bring her dc to my dc's birthday party. Some people are very self-absorbed.

pictish · 30/05/2013 15:56

I agree Dahlen. I'm not up for having my time wasted regularly by anyone.
As she says, every now and then, shit happens and it's totally reasonable to accomodate.
If however, if you are let down every other time, then you may be assured that that person thinks little of your time, but much of their own. When you make an arrangement with someone you set aside a chunk of time for it.
It feels so disrespectful to have that regularly disregarded, and be ditched last minute with flimsy excuses like 'the kids are tired'.

I don't give two hoots if the kids would rather stay in and play wii. I have set aside an afternoon for you, and you are taking the piss!

SixPackWellies · 30/05/2013 16:02

Well, I blew someone off yesterday quite late and feel terrible about it. DC has been 'off' for a few days, and finally got a GP appointment late yesterday arvo and it is a non-specifc virus complete with temp spikes and mouth ulcers. I felt awful calling her, as it happens quite a bit, and I am sure she thinks I am making it up, when I am not.

I often cancelled play dates early on also, as was so depressed that I could not get out of bed. I would think I would be ok at 3 pm next Tuesday, but would not actually be able.

I don't feel good about it, but sometimes the reason is just beyond your control.

SixPackWellies · 30/05/2013 16:06

Need to add. I am working on the depression bit but sometimes overextend myself.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 30/05/2013 16:14

I have a friend like this, always cancels. Even if she has suggested meeting. She doesn't have children as an excuse either - it's "I am tired after being at work" or "I am too ill" - she does have some health problems but they don't seem to stop her going out with other people (yes the dreaded Facebook again).

I now approach things with zero expectation that she'll actually turn up, then I won't be disappointed.

KitCat26 · 30/05/2013 16:19

I have learnt the hard way not to tell the DDs if we are seeing friends until it is confirmed that morning.

One friend's son is usually ill at the last minute.

Another friend makes arrangements by text, then disappears and never confirms. Only to get in contact again later in the year.

The first I don't mind, but the latter has pissed me right off recently, not sure I can be bothered any more.

Fortunately my local 'mummy' friends are a much more reliable bunch!

ENormaSnob · 30/05/2013 16:22

My ex best mate was like this. Repeatedly.

I no longer speak with her because of it.

Once or twice is understandable, more than that is taking the piss.