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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

inheritence money

56 replies

benjerriesandme · 30/05/2013 12:12

I was given 10 thousand pound off my mom when my grandad died. I was also left 1500 pound off my grandad in his will in my name which i spent on paying off our 3 piece suite and a few other bits for the house. When my mom gave me the money she said that i can use it to do my house up. I had just bought a house with my husband and it was a shell!

My problem now is although i have put the money in our joint account and don't just class it as my money, my husband and i seem to have different ideas on what to spend it on. I'm trying to be careful and make it last and spend it on things it was intended for as its our only way of doing the house up. We have bought some appliances we needed for the house. My husband took out over a thousand to pay off credit card and another thousand to but a deposit down on a new to us car which in all honesty i was not that happy with. I don't mean it to sound controlling but i keep thinking once its gone we will be in a mess. What has made me mad about the credit card is i don't mind we paid it but on occasions he has put beer and chocolate and non essential stuff on the card. Also he had a mobile phone bill of £106 last month so it was another tight month. When ever we are tight he suggests we take money out of the account to help us out but i really don't want to as we only have £2.700 left and still need to do things such as new carpets etc.

I know i probably sound a bitch and controlling and i don't mean to but it just seems bad budgeting. I'm a SAHM at the moment and will be going back 2 days a week in September. I just feel so frustrated by it all and in a way just wish we didnt have the money as it has caused endless problems. I just wanted to use it on the house and save some so we had something to fall back on but we don't seem to agree.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 30/05/2013 13:15

I would put it into a separate account that is only in your name.

I'm usually a believer in money being family money, but that relies on money only being spent on things you both agree on. Your DP has proved that he doesn't respect your wishes or feelings on how this money is spent, so he has lost the right to have a say IMO.

calypso2008 · 30/05/2013 13:21

*"In divorces, for example, inheritance money cannot be touched."

that is incorrect*

Sorry Squeaky, I have been out of the UK for the last ten years, I am going by North America and Spanish law there. Sure you are right about UK.

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 30/05/2013 13:24

I was livid with his mobile bill as we don't have a lot of money each month. He was not impressed either but i still feel he should have been keeping an eye on how many minutes he was using. It's not the norm that bill but his is always higher than mine. The only thing i ever go out to buy is the food shopping. I never go out and buy myself clothes etc as money is tight at the moment. I always like to not touch money that goes into our account until end of the month when all bills are paid then we know what we have for the month but my DH spent £9.00 on a crate of beer after payday but before bills had been paid, i just felt we should be buying treats after bills have gone out.

OP posts:

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 30/05/2013 13:26

Sorry forgot to add that without the inheritence we would not have been able to decorate the house. that is why i was given it which is why i feel protective of it as i feel it's not being used for the purpose it was given.

OP posts:

Jan49 · 30/05/2013 13:28

It sounds like one or both of you is not terribly good with money anyway since you ended up using some of the money to pay off debts. You need to be really careful how you spend the rest and talk to your DH about it.
It sounds like he's treating your inheritance as a cushion to fall back on instead of being careful about spending. But it will soon be gone and there will be no "cushion" and none for doing up the house either.

calypso2008 · 30/05/2013 13:31

He is spending the money as if you suddenly have a larger disposable income, frittering, as another poster said; rather than seeing it as a lump sum which is meant for a purpose. May I also point out that he is benefitting from this purpose equally as much as you. ie a lovely home.

You are just asking him to be respectful about the money you ARE sharing with him, but the money that you have (as is your right) decided will serve the purpose of doing up your new home.

The money was left to YOU, you are sharing it with him, but you have decided what the money goes on. YANBU in the least.

DontmindifIdo · 30/05/2013 13:32

I think you need to move it out of the joint account and put it in a savings account and make it clear it's just to be used for decorating the house, and just use it for the decorating.

But you need to agree this with your DH, perhaps sit down with what you've got coming in and work out a budget that doesn't involve dipping into the redecoration money.

LondonMan · 30/05/2013 13:34

I have also read the inheritance might be protected in a divorce. I think it depends whether the money has always been kept separate or has been mingled with family money. In the case I'm remembering, I think it was spent to pay down a mortgage on a family home, and because of that it ceased to be the inheritors money and became subject to splitting on divorce. I think this was a UK case.

Labootin · 30/05/2013 13:41

Dh inherited a house, which was then sold

The money is considered family money tbh and has been invested as such.

We are a family, I have lost count of the threads on MN were posters are aghast that money in the pot is not shared equally between partners.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 30/05/2013 13:45

I second withdrawing it and putting it in an ISA you get reasonable interest if you lock it away for a couple of years. He knows its there and accessible so won't stop until its all gone so either invest it or spend it quickly yourself on doing the house up.

WilsonFrickett · 30/05/2013 13:48

Even if you didn't have the inheritance, you'd be arguing about money because it seems you have two completely different attitudes to it, IMO. That said, I don't know what to suggest - I think all money is family money so putting it in your own account would be wrong, but equally I can see that he is frittering it away, which isn't what you want to do with it.

But comments like he spent £9 on beer... I think you have a bigger problem than this tbh.

attheendoftheday · 30/05/2013 13:59

I'm really surprised by many of the responses here. Had the op been the working husband of a sahm who had come into some money and disagreed with his wife on how to spend it, you would all be saying to keep it in a seperate account to spend as the op wants only?

Family money should be discussed and it's use agreed imho.

Original poster

benjerriesandme · 30/05/2013 14:02

Sorry i have re read what i put regarding him buying beer. I realise it sounds bad, what i meant by that comment was i don't spend the equilevant on myself.

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 30/05/2013 14:03

I agree family money should be discussed and it's use agreed, but if they can't do that then the OP has to protect that money somehow.

I think she has a moral responsibility to her mother who gave her the money to make sure it is spent on what it was intended to be spent on.

StuntGirl · 30/05/2013 14:05

The root of the problem is your incompatible attitudes to money. You need to try and find a way to address that together.

I normally agree that any money is family money, but I say that on the assumption that said family members will be respectful and decide together how to spend the money. In this instance that isn't happening so I would remove the money.

Do you have a budget?

LemonBreeland · 30/05/2013 14:07

If I had moeny like this I would class it as family money, in that I would discuss with DH what to spend it on.

The problem here is your DH spending it like it is his money without consulting you.

I would also have kept the money in a separate account so it could not be frittered away.

I think you should move what is left now!

Standautocorrected · 30/05/2013 14:09

I inherited some money a couple of years ago. The money has always been in my name and always will be.
I bought a couple of things with it that have benefitted the household with prior discussion. Dh would never dream of spending the money had it been in a joint account though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2013 14:09

I am all for a joint financial plan. I earn less than DH but spent my inheritance on a deposit for our house. However, that involves joint budgeting and financial planning. If there is not money for beer and wine, neither of us have beer or wine. If you are being frugal, while he is spending on chocolate and beer, with the inheritance money you agreed was for the house, that is not on.

Inertia · 30/05/2013 14:09

Family money should be discussed and agreed- the problem here is that the DH seems to have taken a lot of unilateral decisions to spend the money on things he wanted, such as a new car.

I think I'd be inclined to go down the road of the money not earning any interest in the current account, so you've moved the remainder of it into an ISA until you are in a position to spend it on the things needed for the house. Once it's in an ISA it's not easily dipped into.

Justfornowitwilldo · 30/05/2013 14:11

Did you read the OP? Yes, family money should be discussed. Her DH hasn't discussed it. He went and spent £1k on a car deposit and £1k paying off card spending on non essentials when the money was to be spent on much needed stuff for the house like carpets!

BackforGood · 30/05/2013 14:14

attheendoftheday - this isn't to do with the OP being the woman in the relationship, it's to do with one partner being given some money by their Mum, to help them get the house done up. The other partner, has then taken a considerable part of that money without consulting the person who was given the money and spent it on something the first person does not think is a priority.
To my mind, it doesn't matter which partner earns more, which is the man and which is the woman, once you are a family, you talk about big purchases / big commitments (to the new car loan), and agree your priorities. Neither partner is entitled to go out and spend / commit, without talking to the other. That's the problem here.
I'm all for family money being family money, but only if all spenders in the family can agree priorities about spending. If not, then you have to arrange your finances differently.

hermioneweasley · 30/05/2013 14:14

OP is not saying she wants to keep the money for something exclusively for her - it's for the house which the whole family benefits from. In the meantime her DH is spending it on crap that benefits him and they will have nothing to show for.

I think you need to move the money and go back to work so you have a bigger income as a family and money of your own.

diddl · 30/05/2013 14:17

Family money is great if one family member isn't going to piss it away.

greattobeamum79 · 30/05/2013 14:28

I think YANBU. Me and my DP have a joint account where all our money is - and I like the idea of us doing that to share everything.

But your partner seems to just be spending it on himself and not 'the team'. I mean, you're thinking the money should be used to do up the house and not for treats for you. So - yeah- I agree maybe you should take what's left of it out...

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 30/05/2013 14:45

I think it's joint money and there should be agreement as such on how and what it is spent on. I do think your DH is wrong to fritter it away though and maybe you should open a savings account to protect the money for what you both agreed it should be spent on.

DH has had inheritance which is classed as family money, but invested, as that is what we both want and what is best for our future as a family.

I also had a critical illness payout a number of years ago due to cancer. It never crossed my mind then that it was anything but family money, and we used it to improve our home.

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