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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if I will need to completely stop all my pastimes when our dd is born.

36 replies

ukfirestorm · 29/05/2013 14:57

My partner is overdue now with our first, and
I have always been dead busy, played a lot of sport, run a book club, blah blah blah.
I am really excited/terrified about the arrival, and imagine (in probably quite a naive way) spending most of our time in the future with the three of us doing stuff, but the longer overdue she is the more I wonder if there will be any chances to keep up any of the stuff I do currently..Tres selfish to wonder I expect, just never been a homebody, cant abide tv, and wonder how I will cope and be effective as a parent being indoors all the time I am not at work.
I had assumed my partner would need some time for stuff on her own but she thinks currently she wont want that.
This situation is worsened as my colleagues (mostly women, not being sexist only one other man where I work) keep telling me how "you will never have a social life again" and "forget your old life, thats over, learn to love the voice and eastenders" (two quotes from today!) AIBU?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 29/05/2013 14:59

Of course you will have a social life again.

In a way yes you do need to forget your old life as there is no way life can not change once you have a baby....but....your new life can be so much better. You forge new friendships and yes, life is different for a while but then once your DC get a bit older you can go back to some old hobbies.

I had great life before my DS and a great life once he came along. Just a different life.

GoodbyePorkPie · 29/05/2013 15:02

For me that didn't happen. I couldn't go out drinking all night (mind you, by my mid 30s that wasn't so appealing anymore!) but definitely still found time for sport, book group (I also ran my own), going to films and catching up with friends.

I hated the 'you'll never have a social life again' comments! Everyone's experiences are so different though so maybe that was true for your colleagues. Personally, I was lucky that DD slept through reasonably early so the tired fug that can prevent you from resuming normal activity lifted and I was able to get on with things. That doesn't happen for everyone.

Chottie · 29/05/2013 15:03

No, of course you won't have to give everything up. In fact running a sports club sounds perfect, you will soon be taking mini ukfirestorm with you. That's what slings and buggies are for :)

I've always done lots and my DC are the same they like being busy too. Congrats on your new arrival-to-be.

Just ignore all the women at work, they sound really full of doom and gloom!!! It sounds like they are trying to wind you up.

CAF275 · 29/05/2013 15:04

Bollocks is my response to that! You don't cease to be human beings when you become parents. As long as you both take turns doing "me" stuff I actually think it's very healthy to keep up a bit of your previous life.

I and DH also used to have "date" nights. Just dinner out somewhere on our own, nothing fancy or contrived. Maybe once a month when DC were small, a bit more often now. I always remembered my mum giving me advice when DS came along that it's important to spend time occassionally as husband and wife, rather than mummy and daddy.

Congratulations btw!

NaturalBaby · 29/05/2013 15:06

It depends how much you are doing and how long it takes and how much support your partner will get from family and friends.
I (am the mother) now go out 3 times a week to exercise (1 1/2hrs minimum each time) and go out for a social once or twice a month and it feels a bit excessive some weeks. Dh's hobbies are very time consuming so he can be out all day which is really tough, especially when trying to juggle spending time with friends and family at the weekends as well.

motherinferior · 29/05/2013 15:07

Don't worry, you'll be too knackered to care.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2013 15:07

WTF? I love the TV and the indoors. I never get to see my sofa because I have to be outside with DD. She is two and since babyhood, needs fresh air and constant activity. If we don't get out once at least, if not twice a day, she and I go round the twist.

Ignore the weirdos at work. Get DP and new baby out and about.

Sport might be more of an issue in the early days because it isn't always baby friendly but you can run with a baby-jogger.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 29/05/2013 15:13

In my experience it's not so much that you can't, it's sort of that you are less keen to. I work full time, sometimes 60 hours a week, often away overnight and back after bedtime. I find when I'm not working I want to spend every minute she is awake with my daughter. Literally racing home to get to see her and really not wanting to give an afternoon of my weekend over to another activity without her.

I know my DP feels the same. he has some voluntary commitments he's stuck to but he enjoys them less now as they take him away from his daughter.

That said she is only 1 so maybe I will get over it and get bored of her. Or as she gets older we will be able to do more of the sorts of things I enjoyed before together.

badguider · 29/05/2013 15:13

I'm the pregnant one in our family and this attitude from other people pisses me off too - I know lots of mums in my running group, cycling club etc who are not tied to playgroups and minding their babies indoors all the time.

My Dh and I fully intend to have time alone for sport and time as a threesome that is out and about. We bought a campervan so we can take junior with us on trips and have warmth/shelter for his feeding/napping needs.

I do think it's a bit of an issue though when only one parent wants time to themself.

Throughout my pregnancy my DH has reassured me that he wants me to take at least a couple of regular slots in the week - wednesday evening rides (c. 2hrs) with my bike club when i feel up to it and saturday morning parkrun. While he takes an evening ride and a half day at the weekend after parkrun to ride.

That still leaves us with five whole weeknights and a day and a bit at the weekend together.

YBR · 29/05/2013 15:16

When DD1 was very small we just took her with us, now she's 18 mo that hasn't been wise for some time. DH and I still do practically everything we did before, but sometimes less frequently - we can't generally both be out at once and especially not at short notice.

Tell your sports/book clubs etc that you'll be less available for a couple of months and see how it goes.

sweetsummerlove · 29/05/2013 16:05

I am one of those parents who chose not to have a social life for the first year or so. Rarely, but at times I felt that I missed 'me' time..but chose to give that time soley to dd. I should say she was ebf also and with a pure hatred for any other form of bottle cup or actual alternative fluid.

dd is 22 months now, and it would be more than fair to say I have a social life. kind of. I exercise regularly and occasionally go to dinner with friends. I would say I began going out again a little after her first when fully weaned on solids and could cope without boob for a while.

However, dh and I have only been out once as a couple since and that was little over a month ago. We are building ourselves up to everyone feeling ready to have a full night away or a regular date night. (perhaps once every six weeks)

hth!

sweetsummerlove · 29/05/2013 16:09

I think the best way to prepare is to think less about what you can't do and more about what you can do/take baby with to :-)

dh was worried about his football commitments prior todd aarrival. ...it wasn't long after he told them he couldn't justify spending an entire day out of the two he has off pw away from his new family. .

McNewPants2013 · 29/05/2013 16:14

It's all about compromise.

You can't expect your partner to bare the brunt of all the childcare while you are out all the time. However every parent needs a break.

I would say as a example cut down on the amount of sports and instead of a weekly book club make it a monthly one.

LunaticFringe · 29/05/2013 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Knittingnovice · 29/05/2013 16:20

DH & I have DS(5), DD1(3) & DD2 (7 weeks). We both still have our social lives.

I am chair of DD1's preschool and help run a rainbow unit with DD2 in tow and DH is a scout leader and volunteers on our local heritage railway.

We don't see much of each other but support each other with our volunteering - DH will help out at preschool & rainbow events & I am catering scout camp this summer.

even when DS was born we still managed to go to gigs - DS first was at 8 weeks old, & the older 2 have both been to three music festivals which is something we loved doing Pre DC.

The only thing that has changed is the spontaneity, we can no longer hear about a gig and decide to go, it is now a military operation involving babysitters!!

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2013 16:27

You have to accept more of a middle ground.

No, life will not be like it is now. You would be really selfish to try to keep everything the same, it would mean never being home and giving your partner a break. Even if she doesn't want to go out and do lots, she will still need 'me time' sometimes, even if just to sleep or have a long bath.

Sometimes you will need to stay indoors, your partner will be out somewhere and the baby will be napping, you will have to find a way to amuse yourself.

BUT it's ridiculous to think you will never get to do anything, of course you can still see people and do stuff. A lot of people lose their social lives by choice really.

The key is communication. Just keep talking to your partner and making sure everyone's happy, and be willing to compromise.

shellandkai · 29/05/2013 16:30

My partner gave up alot of his past time activities for about 3 months when my ds was born as when you have a young child life is quite busy anyway so you won't be bored trust me on that one. But after 3 months my partner started going back to volunteer at the cricket ground doing the maintenance and scoring for the games the best thing about his activities now is if it's a lovely day we can go to the cricket ground with him which is nice :) he still goes plays poker nights with his friends and goes to watch football at the pub for a few drinks etc just not every night now :)

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 29/05/2013 16:33

I think it's very important that you don't lose sight of yourself as an individual and yourselves as a couple, though that's a hard balancing act at the start.

Best advice is to work from the premise that you are both entitled to the same amount of leisure time no matter who is working outside the home/doing the childcare. How each of you chooses to spend that leisure time is up to the individual but it's important that it's shared fairly.

Lots of couples lose themselves in their new babies. If I had a rewind button on my life, it's something I would change for sure.

Congratulations and good luck.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 29/05/2013 16:40

I think you should be prepared for your pastimes to take a back seat for a bit.

I think you should be prepared for tiredness like you might not expect.

I think you should be prepared for the fact that your partner might suffer from PND or anxiety and need time to adjust to being alone with a baby alone all day - and might need you to be around for her.

She might also not want to go out as much - so even though the equal "me" time is great in theory she might not want to take it in the same way - going out.

I am trying to say that this might happen, not that it will. And if it does, things adjust in time.

I think time as a couple away from the bay is as important as me time. It will get you through the hard bits as a strong unit

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 29/05/2013 16:41

baby, not bay

MrsMangoBiscuit · 29/05/2013 16:42

To start with, DH and I both gave up the few organised past times we had. Not so much that we couldn't fit them in, if we'd really wanted to we would have, but as others have said, they were less appealing.

As for our social life, I go out more now than I did in the few years directly before we had DD. Some of it is family things, or trips and events with other parents, but we also have more adult nights out, meals out, cinema trips etc than we did before. We have less nights down the pub, but that's by choice as our tastes have changed.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 29/05/2013 16:43

God that sounded negative. Sorry.

It's bloody brilliant and my DH, as well as me, will tell you that there is nothing that compares to having a baby in terms of love, laughter and joy

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 16:44

I think you need to prepare yourself for a change in the way you do things! If you are out several weekends doing a particular sport or socialising with your mates then that's probably going to have to stop, certainly in the first few months. Weekends will change too, particularly if your OH is eventually going to return to work. You will do more hanging out with family who will want to see the baby and more hanging out with other parents.

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2013 16:45

Woops - I meant 'If you are out several evenings doing a particular sport or socialising with your mates'

lottiegarbanzo · 29/05/2013 16:58

I thought pre-dd that people can and do have all sorts of lives, post-child and that most do what they really want to do but justify it in terms of the baby. I still think there's a lot of truth in that. People who don't go out for five years 'because of the baby' didn't want to go out. What is important, is that you and your OH share the same priorities. Not necessarily want the same things but want to make what each other wants, work fairly.