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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

what a shame its not a boy!

76 replies

TheEndTisHere · 28/05/2013 18:36

I have two DD and I'm pregnant with DD3. My midwife is on holiday so saw her replacement. A very rushed check of baby as she's listening to heart beat she asks if I know what sex baby is I smile and say a girl and then "what a shame its not a boy" I said I wanted a girl and was perfectly happy if not more happy its a girl she followed this up with "well I'm sure your DH would have liked a boy" no I think you'll find my DH is more than capable of having his nails painted!

What is wrong with having 3DD will people assume we only have 3DD because we kept trying for a boy? This is the second professional make out its a bad thing. Its also the look on the faces you can just tell people feel bad for us. I don't really care what people think but would like some very quick to the point replies to people who have the nerve to think my DD's are worth less than a DS.

OP posts:

Tailtwister · 28/05/2013 19:07

It's always the same if you have 2 of the same sex. I have 2 boys and continually get asked if I'm going to 'try for a girl'. I have no desire to have a girl. If I was going to have a 3rd it would be to have another child, not to get the full 'set'.

Ignore, ignore.

helenthemadex · 28/05/2013 19:08

its rude that people comment so negatively on the pregnancy or the sex of the baby

when I was expecting dc3 I was asked why I was bothering because I already had 'the perfect family of a boy and a girl'

I now have 7, the last 3 are girls, when I was expecting the last one I had the same reaction from people, shame its not a boy etc. I used to respond that my dd were a bit upset as they wanted a puppy

DorothyMantooth · 28/05/2013 19:12

It's bad when HCPs or strangers make this kind of comment but I thhink it's really bad when friends and family who will have relationships with thepoor child do it. A friend of mine recently had dd2, and when she announced that she was going to have a second girl, a friend asked her "Ohhh ... are you disappointed?" (this is also a cultural thing - both women are from a culture which favours boy children. The friend of my friend already has a boy so has 'succeeded'). Needless to say, my friend was super happy to be having another girl and was quite amused by her friend's attitude so laughed in her face.

neontetra · 28/05/2013 19:13

Gosh, isnt it amazing(ły awful) that people still care so much about gender? Your girls can, and will, do all the same stuff boys do, given half a chance. So why do people still think gender matters so much? I have one dd, she will be my only. Dh and I were pleased about her gender only because, as feminists, we are glad to have the chance to hopefully raise an empowered woman. Hopefully, had she been małe, we'd have raised an empowered, feminist man. We'd have loved him just the same. What is people's problem? Congrats on dd3.

wharrgarbl · 28/05/2013 19:17

Hod people are rude. When I was pregnant with my son, one of our neighbours asked if we knew what sex the baby was, and when I said boy, she said 'your husband must be so pleased'
Aargh, no, some of us don't come from idiot macho cultures which privilege boys over girls - actually, we had a very slight preference for a girl, but were very happy with a healthy baby. I love my boy.

Twinklestarstwinklestars · 28/05/2013 19:20

We didn't find out what dc3 is will find out in July! It's bad enough the 'you really must want a girl' without getting silly disappointed comments too. Both ds' want another boy we're not bothered (obviously) as long as its ok especially after the stressful pregnancy I've had!

changeforthebetter · 28/05/2013 19:27

Jeez

Happen to have DDs but I imagine the overwhelming love I feel for them would have been the same if they had been DSs.

My old Ma had a friend who "kept going till she had a girl" (Irish catholic background for both) Meh! You love your kids - end of. If you don't, you have problems but how unspeakably, fucking rude of the MW.

Congrats on your pregnancy btw

Original poster

TheEndTisHere · 28/05/2013 19:32

I'd love my children regardless of what sex they are my girls do everything a boy will do it would have been the same if I had a boy. They are not tom boys or girly girls they are children and will be given the freedom of doing what children do best having fun and getting messy!

This has made me so angry I know its my hormonal body that I'm still thinking if I could have said anything better. I'm loving the comments I'm getting prepped up now for the following years of strangers thinking they can devalue my DD's

OP posts:

Sinkhole · 28/05/2013 19:35

You are quite right to be offended, people should not make such assumptions.

Having said that, a close friend if mine (a friend, not me, honest) has two DSs and adores them, but told me if she could guarantee the next one would be a girl should would definitely try for a 3rd.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 28/05/2013 19:44

I guess some people do want one of each, or have a particular desire for one sex, whether a daughter or a son.
My mother for example loves to tell us how she felt the family was somehow complete after having my brother - following my sister and I !
I would have been just as happy with another daughter after my gorgeous DD1. As it happens we got DS, and after a tiny bit of getting used to the idea - especially at time of birth (oh look, a boy, how strange that I made one of them !) well, he's great too of course !
I'm glad you're so happy.
Just tell everyone that that's the case

pearlgirl · 28/05/2013 20:32

We had lots of comments in the run up to ds4's arrival as people assumed that we had decided to have one last go for a girl - I think the 8 year age gap also gave them the feeling that they could comment. I found it really odd that people could be so nosey - but still not as bad as the student of dh's who asked me loudly in a quiet restaurant if my pregnancy with ds3 was planned - some people think they can comment on anything.

MyShoofly · 28/05/2013 20:44

This is such a pet peeve of mine. I have two boys and upon announcing DS2 people would do this little head tilt to the side as if to say "oh...better luch next time" . How could I wish my son to be anything other than what he is? Gender disappointment is a real struggle for some but it shouldn't be automatically assumed everyone will feel bereft for not having one of each.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 28/05/2013 20:51

My friend, now pregnant with no 3 after 2 DSs keeps getting "want a girl, or don't mind so long as it's healthy?" (Which really tees her off because she finds it disabilist). I love her reply: "Girl, boy, healthy, sickly, I don't mind. So long as it's human. A litter of puppies would be a deal breaker."

LaGuardia · 28/05/2013 20:59

The thing is, healthcare professionals hear it all the time. Everyone they see is 'trying' for the opposite sex to the two or three kids they already have. I do not believe a word when people mums say they are so happy with their three/four same sex children. Grateful they are healthy, yes, but tinged with a certain longing.

MamaBear17 · 28/05/2013 21:04

It is ridiculous that people jump to that conclusion and is one of the reasons why we chose not to find out the sex. If we had found out I wouldn't have told anyone. I found the 'what do you want?' (as in boy or girl) question so annoying that I ended up just saying 'a baby' to everyone one who asked. Ended up with my perfect DD and couldnt be happier.

ThisWayForCrazy · 28/05/2013 21:13

We have 6 DS's between us. I hear this all the time. Sadly it's normally followed by me bursting in to tears.

cantbloodywellchoose · 28/05/2013 21:15

I'm pregnant with DS3 and have had this from various people who cannot resist the "oh thats a shame ()/were you trying for a girl?/will you keep trying?" lines and it pisses me off. But I would be bloody livid if it came from a health care professional.

ladytyndale · 28/05/2013 21:16

When we had a DD after 2 DS's, so many people said to me "you got what you wanted then". I never knew what to say to that, we weren't trying or hoping for a girl, but you can't really say "no, she's not at all what we were wanting" while holding your new born, but it did make me feel defensive of my boys esp DS2

HorryIsUpduffed · 28/05/2013 21:20

Pg with DC3 after two DSs (who were just what I wanted, as it happened) and already fielding these nosy bastard questions. Argh. Fuck off.

tethersend · 28/05/2013 21:21

We took DD1 to the scan where we found out the sex of DD2- the sonographer took one look at her and said "oh, so you want a boy then"

She then tutted and pity-looked her way through the rest of the scan once we found out DD2 was a girl.

SlowJinn · 28/05/2013 21:22

When I had my 3rd child, a daughter after 2 sons, I got the same reaction as ladytyndale - and I found myself almost wanting to say 'actually no, I wanted another son' to all the '3rd time lucky' crap - combined with outrage on behalf of my second son, that he might overhear and think he wasn't wanted.

ProphetOfDoom · 28/05/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LalyRawr · 28/05/2013 21:27

I wonder f people realise what these kind of comments can do to your existing children.

So you have 3 DD's 4th is a boy. Everyone comments 'Oh you can stop trying now, you've got your boy!'. How shit must DD2 & 3 feel? Like they are failed attempts or not good enough.

Snugglepiggy · 28/05/2013 21:29

We have 3 DDs all independent adults now,but still come home often despite busy lives,partners and not living in the same town.We couldn't be prouder of them,and neither of us has ever wished for anything else.
I used to work on a neo -natal unit and saw many sick babies and all we cared about was that our children were healthy.As a midwife I would never have made such a crass remark - I just know that.
I know how you feel though.I remember banging in from a shopping trip when heavily pregnant with DD 3 and bursting into tears on DHs shoulder after another 'well meaning' person had said 'oh you must be really hoping it's a boy' this time.He was as annoyed with me as he adored 'his girls'.Sometimes I felt like one of Henry VIII ths wife's.Bloody ridiculous.

Jan49 · 28/05/2013 21:37

What ignorant people! I have one dc, my adult ds, but thought he was going to be a girl (no sex scans then, just random thoughts) and had no feelings about wanting one sex or another. If I'd ever had another I think I'd have wanted a boy because I couldn't imagine wanting anything different from my ds! But in reality I'd be happy with either. I certainly didn't ever think I'd want one of each sex.

It's bad enough when ignorant comments come from people in general, but health professionals should know better.

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