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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my parents don't seem to care about my pregnancy?

27 replies

Fairydogmother · 28/05/2013 13:42

long story cut short

adopted at 2 years old and my parents already had two much older children. rocky relationship throughout and i got married at 21 but i now realise that was to escape home.

separated and divorced 4 years ago and met the man who is now my fiance 3 years ago. we live together and are getting married next year. we planned this baby and thankfully everything seems to be working as we had wished for.

but my parents seem not to give a damn. mom didnt bother ringing me for 2 days when i broke the news to dad (on the phone and they were never in). i invited her to a private scan on sunday as she always complains that i dont involve her in my life and she couldnt have cared less. it was confirmed that we're expecting a boy (the first in our family for generations) and all she could say was 'o i just assumed it would be a girl' . i called her today and asked her what dad thought of him having a grandson and she said 'o hes not that bothered'.

i managed to hang up the phone without bursting into tears but am i being unreasonable and expecting too much here?

OP posts:

Montybojangles · 28/05/2013 13:49

I'm sorry they don't seem too excited. I would be expecting much more enthusiasm.
We're your siblings also adopted? If so Perhaps your parents are struggling with lots of emotions as they were unable to have children themselves.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 28/05/2013 13:49

I am so sorry Fairy. I can't imagine how painful that must have been to hear. Have an unmumsnetty ((hug))

Personally, I would emotionally withdraw from them as if they have a history of acting like this, they are unlikely to change.

Maybe send brief email updates of how you're doing and how the pregnancy is progressing. Let them come to you about getting together.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Focus your energy and love on bump.

sherbetpips · 28/05/2013 13:52

I suppose the only hope you can take from there lack of interest is that they wont be interfering or telling you what to do all the time.
Are they happy with your currently relationship, do they like him or could they be mistakenly thinking the marriage wont last?
Might be worth speaking to them about it in an calm manner.

Montybojangles · 28/05/2013 13:52

Ps. Try not to let it take the shine off something so special. If they continue this way then may be its best to avoid contact at the minute and concentrate on enjoying your lovely DP and the little person growing inside you.

wigglesrock · 28/05/2013 13:59

My parents were a bit like this, they were scared for me. Scared that I would lose the baby, that my heart would be broken. They were also especially my Mum worried that something horrible would happen to me during labour. It didn't make any sense to me at the time but having now had 3 children, I understand the worry you feel for them. It doesn't excuse indifference but it might be a reason.

Original poster

Fairydogmother · 28/05/2013 14:01

my sisters arent adopted so are 'part of the family' so to speak. my dad has serious heart problems and i'm always running to the hospital as my sisters dont seem to be that bothered.

i'd say pregnancy hormones do make me somewhat oversensitive as i'm usually quite a pragmatic person but this feels v cruel.

they do seem to love my DP tho it took them a long time to accept my divorce (quite religious). mom has been pushing for us to get married before baby comes but everything is all booked for next year and i see absolutely no reason to rush it through now. besides i'd never be able to get my dress in time!

my DP's father is delighted (his mother died when he was small) and i'm def feeling the love from him so thats one good thing.

Thanks everyone - glad i'm not actually massively overreacting here!

OP posts:

cantdecideonanewname · 28/05/2013 14:27

My mum has been distant during my pregnancy this time, I don't really have anything helpful to say, it's hard when she seems so indifferent to all things baby related, she'll chat happily to me on the phone about other things but doesn't respond if I mention the baby, It's not that I talk about the baby all the time in fact now days I try not to mention it at all as it's started to make me feel uncomfortable.

I'm trying really hard to have a positive relationship with my mum and I'll keep ringing because I don't want it to get worse, mum hasn't made any contact with me for 8 weeks, but my DH and DC are and will remain my first priority.

Hope things work out for you.

Original poster

Fairydogmother · 28/05/2013 15:00

Cant - sounds v familiar. I once left things nearly 9 weeks before ringing her just to see if she would make the effort and she didnt. The first thing she said was 'o but sure you always ring me'

Shes not offered to buy anything for the baby or help out in any way and the only reason I say that is because several of my friends had cots or prams bought by parents as they wanted to feel involved and help out. Its not that I want her to do that but I kind of see that as another sign that shes not interested.

For now I'll concentrate on bump and my animals!

OP posts:

specialsubject · 28/05/2013 15:36

'quite religious'. Ah. Couple that with their attitude to baby before marriage (shock horror, not) and you are on a hiding to nothing.

stop pouring yourself into an emotional black hole. Tell your sisters to pull their weight. Give time to your partner's dad who is interested, and stop bothering.

you can't pick your relatives.

good luck and congrats on the future new arrival!

Original poster

Fairydogmother · 28/05/2013 15:38

Lol special that's exactly the advice I'd prob give if someone asked too! Why can you never accept your own advice?!

OP posts:

Hummuschocolate · 28/05/2013 17:33

YANBU to be upset. Keep casually keeping them in the loop so that the door is still open if they want to be involved but focus on you, DP and baby and those that are excited for you and congrats

MumnGran · 28/05/2013 17:45

Fairy ... I am so sorry you don't have a supportive set of parents, but as special says stop pouring yourself into an emotional black hole.
I did it for years, and honestly, it gets you absolutely nowhere. If this has been their pattern, it is not going to change.

It is brilliant that your soon to be FIL is so invested in things ....and I would concentrate all your energy and excitement in that direction. If your siblings are supportive, then share with them too

In dealing with your parents, I suggest you start protecting yourself .....and stop offering them any details at all. Only give them info which they ask for. If they say you are not being communicative, then you are free to say that you didn't think they were interested ...and you have plenty of examples which you can cite!
This sounds hard, but honestly it is the best way to develop a shell against this kind of hurt.

Many congratulations on your forthcoming baby!!

thebody · 28/05/2013 17:49

What special says.

Best of luck and wishes for the baby. Xx

DontmindifIdo · 28/05/2013 17:51

it's time to realise that your family is now primarily your DP and your DC - you must put them first and stop trying to get your mum to be interested/involved, Personally, i'd call or e-mail the older sisters and say that as you are pregnant, you can't do as much of the running around for your Dad, so they are going to sort out between themselves with your dad them helping out more.

I also agree with the advice to stop offering information or inviting them to be involved. Leave it to them.

Original poster

Fairydogmother · 28/05/2013 17:58

I realise now I made a mistake in asking her to the scan and to be honest when it came to it I didn't want her there. But I should have listened to the wee voice that said don't ask her!

Don't think she likes that we make our own decisions without talking things over with her - our family, our life and our rules.

Usually I manage to remember that but hormones are flying at the mo!

When my DP gets in from work he will not be happy at what she said today...

OP posts:

EuroShaggleton · 28/05/2013 18:38

I find your post interesting. I've always had a good relationship with my mother, but whenever I mention trying for a family (we have been at it a looooooooong time and are undergoing fertility treatment) she is very "odd" and distant. Even when I had a mc, she had nothing to say, just a couple of platitudes and then changed the subject (she had three herself so I was expecting some support). I expect she will be exactly the same if I ever manage to get pregnant again.

It's very strange. We are usually quite close, so I just don't get it. There is no religion or adoption in play in my situation, so maybe we should just conclude that some mothers are odd about this stuff!

JedwardScissorhands · 28/05/2013 18:46

I think mothers can be odd as it means they are being relegated from the matriarchal role. And it is confirmation that their child is actually a proper grown up; many parents do infantilise their grown up children, even if they have moved out/ got married etc. Having children of their own means they are definitely no longer children. Also they may be nervous in case anything happens to you or the baby.

DontmindifIdo · 28/05/2013 18:47

EuroShaggleton - it could also be that she's not ready to accept you're a grown up and she's actually old enough to be a granny?

Also, are you married? I found that their adult DCs getting married brings out the worst in some people - like they have to face that you are really, really a grown up. If you're not married, it could be that she's not dealt with that herself and you talking about trying for a baby is making her think about it. (Or not, if she's being a bit head in sand and that's why she's refusing to discuss)

charleyturtle · 28/05/2013 20:14

i don't know if this will help but my mum was terrible about my pregnancy. when i told her she slapped me and told me to get rid of it then kicked me out (literally pushing me down the stairs) a few months later i told her i was now engaged she simply said "i hope you dont expect anybody to celebrate this, no one will care".
but now she dotes on my dd and couldnt be more different than when i was pregnant. some parents just dont want to think of you as an adult who is ready for their own family and life outside of parental control. as you are much younger than your siblings perhaps she still feels like you are a child and hasnt accepted that you are a grown up yet.
hang in there love. im sure things will get better obe way or another.

Original poster

Fairydogmother · 29/05/2013 08:57

Some really interesting points made. My mom is v matriarchal and might see this as her role diminishing. She already got 3 grandchildren in their late teens so I wish she had grown out of this by now!

Feel so much better from talking about things tho so thanks everyone

OP posts:

JedwardScissorhands · 29/05/2013 09:55

The fact that your siblings are older and your mother has grand children in her late teens could mean that she is clinging on to the last scrap of matriarchy with you. Once you have a baby, that is the final relegation.

Jan49 · 29/05/2013 11:58

Is it possible that when your mum said "he's not bothered" she meant your dad didn't mind if the baby was a boy or a girl rather than not interested in the baby?

Having children outside marriage was not the done thing for previous generations and I think it's probably hard for your parents to deal with, especially as they are religious people. It's up to you and your DP if you are happy to have a baby first and plan a wedding for afterwards but you can't expect older generations to necessarily feel comfortable about it. After all, you don't feel the same as them, do you?

Hopefully they'll be much more involved and interested once the baby is here.

LemonBreeland · 29/05/2013 12:03

I think the religion thing is probably quite big here. I imagine that once you are married the attitude will change as you won't be an 'embarrassment' to them, and they will happily tell their friends etc about their DGC who has two married parents.

flanbase · 29/05/2013 12:06

I've been there with no attention or bother & the thing that helped me was to just say ok and get on with everything else. Focus on you and family and friends that do look out for you

zzzzz · 29/05/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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