To ask how one weaves lentils exactly?

[pinkballetflats]

Seeing as I lean more to the left more than 50% of the time I feel I should know how to do this. I had a good look at a packet of lentils in my kitchen and thought maybe if one partially softens them and then runs them into lots of long chains using microfilament and then puts them to re-dry on the radiator...I'd have semi-flexible lengths of connected lentils with which to weave...

Would that be the right way to go about it?

I find you need to combine them with organic, hand-spun, home-grown hemp (or fairly-traded Bolivian llama wool, at a pinch) to get something substantial enough for the children to wear to school...

Probably.

Similar attention to detail required to plait your armpit hair.

I can't believe you have to ask. Doesn't everybody know how to do this?

I thought you just got stoned and did some freestyle crochet

like, dont plan for it, your lentil weaving's got to happen organically....
though you may find you end up incorporating aduki beans and other pulses

No, no! Is all moonlight and magic dahling.

Yes but if you use a radiator to sry them it negates the benefits of weaving your own lentils - you need to make sure you dry them on the line (Amature )

I suspect you are making that fundamental error of trying to weave your lentils BEFORE you knit your own yoghurt.

We've all been there - it's messy but if you persevere, those pesky lentils will virtually weave themselves.

I rub them on my armpit hair plaits to make them static then they stick together a treat.

don't forget to post pictures of your efforts on Pintrest

I like to crochet my own muesli but i haven't mastered lentil weaving yet. Little buggers are hard to get hold of. They keep slipping through my fingers. As for yogurt knitting - well don't get me started on that. Bloody messy for a start.

Ah...I see I need to go back to the drawing board - what would the carbon footprint be of me cooking the lentils over my own recently chopped down apple wood instead of using gas?

You are best to start with felting your lentils ...and crafting them into little gnomes to sell at your local Steiner school fair.

I thought one used a loom

You can felt lentils too? How do I do that? I've been living under a rock, haven't I?

How does one weave lentils exactly?

With one's Yoni, obviously. Haven't you been paying attention?

A more interesting question is whether one should have one's Yoni felted. Opinions?

My yoni seems to self-felt. Maybe I'm just lucky.

As for knitting youghurt, I use a thick set greek yoghurt to reduce mess.

Well, this is just getting embarrassing now....

What's a yoni? And would I want it felted?

your yoni is a sacred place, pink.

Really? I've never even thought of felting my shoe wardrobe!!!

I always thought it was strands of tofu reinfoced with inch long leg hairs made the mesh on which to weave the lentils (green of course, not orange)

Shame on you, Waffly. Every time you self-felt your Yoni, an angel cries.

Well, like this obviously.

Honestly, the youth of today...Still I suppose it's good that you want to try dear [Pats pinks head in a patronising manner]

In the same way you weave yogurt, I'd imagine.

It is much easier to knit yoghurt if you use the Truly Organic Full Fat Greek variety - then it comes naturally. Just remember to use authentic organic wooden bamboo skewers as knitting needles.