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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mother could do a bit more?

53 replies

Mosschops30 · 27/05/2013 19:29

She's been here since last Wednesday. We went to Dublin for two days (my birthday treat) which I ended up paying for.

Anyway, she hasn't helped at all, she's supposed to be here helping out for half term. I've cooked, cleaned, washed, tidied, bathed dcs, read stories etc etc.
She's sat and watched tv mostly.
Tonight I said I wasn't feeling very well and she replied 'oh I hope you don't give it to me'!

To top all this off she just said 'when you get home from work tomorrow can you log in to plenty of fish for me to see if I've got messages'
It took a lot of effort to not reply 'yes after getting up at 6am, working 9 hours, coming home and cooking dinner, then getting dcs sorted and in bed I can't think of anything is rather do than log into your dating site'

Really it's more work having her here than not. How can people be so fucking lazy and selfish?

OP posts:
QueenBoudicea · 27/05/2013 19:33

Does she know that she's supposed to be helpinf out or does she think she's come for a visit to see the grandkids? Sounds like you need to book her into a hotel in you want to get through the week. Could that be an option?

VisualiseAHorse · 27/05/2013 19:33

I think you should've said that.

ApplesAndBears · 27/05/2013 19:35

This won't end well! FWIW I agree with you, my mother is similar. IT sounds like she could certainly be helping you more, does she know how you feel?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2013 19:37

Is she looking after the kids in the day?

MogTheForgetfulCat · 27/05/2013 19:44

I feel your pain! My mum came to stay after DS1 was born - I'd had a hard birth, he didn't sleep and we were in the throes of packing to move house (mad, I know). She did nothing - didn't make a meal or cup of tea, walk the dog, help with packing. I still find it hard to believe over 7 years later!

Is saying something an option? I think that keeping that sort of frustration unsaid is not healthy. If my mum did now what she did after DS1 was born, I'd say something. As it happens, she's much better these days Smile. If saying something isn't an option, have wine and crisps.

Jinsei · 27/05/2013 19:47

If she is providing free childcare for you tomorrow, you are BVU! Why the hell should she do your housework on top of looking after your children?

ginmakesitallok · 27/05/2013 19:47

My DM is similar - though she does play with the kids for hours so I can forgive her general uselessness round the house.

I remember bursting into tears when she came to stay after I'd had DD1 - I got out of hospital on the Thurs morning and that night had cooked them all tea, was clearing the table and she asked for a coffee..ffs

Jinty64 · 27/05/2013 19:47

Thank her for her company and tell her it's time for her to go home.

Jinsei · 27/05/2013 19:48

And if she is more of a hindrance than a help, then don't let her "help" again!

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 27/05/2013 19:53

She's not looking after the dcs that's my point, she asks ds1 to turn off his Xbox so she can watch re runs of ER location location or deal or no deal.

She gets up hours after everyone else, gets dressed around lunchtime, texts her friends, watches more tv.
I did ask her to go outside and play with them on Saturday, they were out the garden, she was inside watching TV.

I would love her to be here for the gcs, to be playing with them or drawing or anything but she seems incapable of any real interaction with them unless she's talking about herself

OP posts:
PearlyWhites · 27/05/2013 19:54

Sorry did I miss something they are your dc not your mothers they are your responsibility. Also your house to clean.

QueenBoudicea · 27/05/2013 20:03

Sounds like you need to make alternative arrangements - next time have her for a visit rather than any caring capacity and put this visit down to experience. Generally people are used to their routines and it sounds as of your mum falls into that category.

QueenBoudicea · 27/05/2013 20:04

Is she a bit depressed do you think?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 27/05/2013 20:11

If you're coming for a holiday say so. Don't play doting grandmother and then sit on your arse all week!

And don't patronise me about childcare, I pay £700 per month in childcare so she's not saving me any money. If I took them to childcare tomorrow shed be all moody about it

OP posts:
ssd · 27/05/2013 20:19

don't get these sort of posts on mn where people say your kids your responsibility, as if we don't know that!!!

of course your mum should be a bit more interested in your kids and actually want to spend a bit of quality time with them, that's not a lot to ask is it

unfortunately she doesn't sound like she will. its crap

YANBU

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 20:24

In my world, if you stay with someone you help out around the house - or at least offer to - the amount offer depending on the length of your stay.

Exceptions are made for the very young, the very old or the infirm.

You offer (and give) help in recognition of the hospitality being offered you. And bring flowers, or wine, or a cake or something. It has nothing to do with whose children are whose, or who pays the mortgage.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 20:24

...the amount offered...

Horsemad · 27/05/2013 20:30

Sympathies OP Sad

My own DM came to help after my first DC was born and did sweet FA. Baby was colicky and I was hormonal. I lasted 3 days before I asked her to leave. Best of it was, I'd been pressurised into her 'coming to help' by my stupid SF Angry

Don't invite her again!

MrsMcEnroe · 27/05/2013 20:36

Hi mosschops, sorry you've got this to deal with on top of everything else. Of course YANBU, your mum should want to help you and she should want to play with her grandchildren; sadly she doesn't, but that doesn't stop it being unfair. I'm sorry it's like this. Yes they are your kids and your responsibility (it didnt take long for that old chestnut to be trotted out upthread, did it.!) but most mothers would want to support their children, wouldn't they? - I know I would .... That's what being a family is all about!
Honestly, if she's not capable of helping you, I would tell her to go home.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 27/05/2013 20:40

When I go and stay with her she always says she hasn't had time to food shop and can I do it.
I often cook one or two meals, I always tidy away if she's cooked.
I sort the dcs I don't sit there expecting her to do it.

Yet when she comes here its like a hotel. It makes me mad I have enough to do working and having 3 dcs, if I wanted another adult to take care of I'd have kept Dh Grin

She's so negative about everything too, it saps the life out of me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 27/05/2013 20:43

Thanks all for the support Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 28/05/2013 10:41

This morning she asked if I could pick up some paracetamol on my way home from work 'in case I've caught your sore throat'
We live 5 mins walk from the supermarket so I said 'maybe you could walk down with the boys later'

No reply to that, just huffing

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 28/05/2013 10:53

YANBU but has she got a problem? maybe depressed as someone said upthread.

MrsMcEnroe · 28/05/2013 11:50

Blimey, just read your update. Has she always been like this?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/05/2013 11:56

She sounds like a nacissist. Send her home. Yanbu