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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother could do a bit more?

53 replies

Mosschops30 · 27/05/2013 19:29

She's been here since last Wednesday. We went to Dublin for two days (my birthday treat) which I ended up paying for.

Anyway, she hasn't helped at all, she's supposed to be here helping out for half term. I've cooked, cleaned, washed, tidied, bathed dcs, read stories etc etc.
She's sat and watched tv mostly.
Tonight I said I wasn't feeling very well and she replied 'oh I hope you don't give it to me'!

To top all this off she just said 'when you get home from work tomorrow can you log in to plenty of fish for me to see if I've got messages'
It took a lot of effort to not reply 'yes after getting up at 6am, working 9 hours, coming home and cooking dinner, then getting dcs sorted and in bed I can't think of anything is rather do than log into your dating site'

Really it's more work having her here than not. How can people be so fucking lazy and selfish?

OP posts:

Oscalito · 28/05/2013 12:21

God, she sounds like a right PITA. You're working all day and she's asking you to pick up paracetamol. Send her on her way! (Sympathies, my mother is also very selfish and saps the life from me).

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 28/05/2013 14:36

I have often wondered about the narcissist thing, although no scapegoating.
She goes through phases, sometimes she's great, other times she's very hard work.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/05/2013 15:04

She sounds a pain in the arse.

Yeah they're your children,your responsibility etc etc but...she's not showing her grandchildren any interest whatsoever. That's weird in my opinion. And she's being a really shit guest.

I'd be annoyed too. Think again before inviting her to stay OP.

noxius · 28/05/2013 15:09

My first thought would be that she is your guest. But, as you said in your OP, her purpose in coming was to help out for half term. As she's clearly not doing that you are not being unreasonable in being vastly irritated.

ppeatfruit · 29/05/2013 09:50

maybe she's going through the menopause and it's hitting her hard (have you talked to her about it?). It's horrible for you though.

When i've looked our GD while ex DIL is on a course I've done more than our she does .

mrsjay · 29/05/2013 09:54

sounds a PITA Id leave her jobs to do ask her to make dinner or start it for you coming in, sounds like she has come for a weeks holiday tbh , was she lazy when you were growing up is she elderly maybe she just cant be bothered doing anything but I bet you will be glad when she goes home

SuburbanRhonda · 29/05/2013 09:56

I'm no expert, but I do wonder whether she's depressed.

Is your DF still around or is your DM on her own?

(Not belittling how much of a PITA it must be to have another adult staying who adds to your workload rather than alleviates it!)

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 10:02

I wouldn't suggest things to her. For example, the paracetamol: no, I won't pick any up. You can walk to the shops and get it. What's for dinner? Whatever you get yourself!

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 10:03

And don't make excuses for her, like depression. More likely she's a lazy narc.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 29/05/2013 13:07

Her menopause was about 30 years ago so it's not that.
I don't think she's depressed, if everyone is being nice to her and doing stuff for her she's happy and nice, if you're not then she's huffy and quite nasty at times.

She's spent every bit of money she's had over the last year she's blown 30k. She's now all emotional about it and wants lots of support.
We did joint own her property so that they couldn't use it to pay for care if she needed it, however I've just had to sign it back to her so she can do equity release.

She's learnt nothing though, still thinks that sky TV, expensive haircuts and private healthcare is a necessity!
Problem is that she's always been looked after by the men in her life, she's never done anything for herself.

OP posts:

ppeatfruit · 29/05/2013 14:24

Oh she's old probably difficult to change her now, although you say she's changeable it must be hard to realise that there isn't a man around to look after you. Is there a book about being a good grandma? maybe you could get it for her. As others have said she sounds like a narcissist.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 15:25

Give her jobs. She doesn't do them, don't do it for her. If my own mother were a spendthrift like this and asked me to sign over equity I'd have told her to sling her hook.

AaDB · 29/05/2013 15:31

She should be more interested in her GC/helpful to you. I agree that at the very least she is being a shit guest. If you have to pay for childcare anyway then send the DC. I's also ask her to go home.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2013 15:40

I'd ask her to go home,too,especially since she asked you to take them out of child care and does FA with them.

rockybalboa · 29/05/2013 15:45

But she's looking after your DC's whilst you are work during half-term no? I'm not suggesting that permits her to behave like a lazy toad when you are home but if she not doing you a massive favour by being there during the day so you can go to work?

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 29/05/2013 19:03

rocky read the thread I pay for dcs childcare, it's no big deal to me cos I still have to pay

OP posts:

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 29/05/2013 22:02

Anyway I drop her to the station tomorrow yay I can have my bed back, my house back and some bloody peace

OP posts:

LittleMissLucy · 29/05/2013 22:07

But if you know she is like this, why bother inviting her / asking her to stay in the first place? Sounds like you have a life-long gripe with her.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 29/05/2013 23:09

Because she says she wants to come and help, and spend time with the gcs
She acts perfectly normal for ages then gets here and acts like a queen

OP posts:

AaDB · 29/05/2013 23:14

I'm relieved for you moss. Hope the rest of your week is better.

Bluebell99 · 29/05/2013 23:21

How old is she? When you said about plenty of fish, I imagined young fifties but now you have said she had her menopause 30 years ago! My mother is similar btw. She doesn't stay over any more, but when she used to , she would say, ive come to see you, not to babysit! And then expect to be waited on hand and foot. Same now if they visit, sit on sofa, and to be fed, and yet if we go to see them, they jump through hoops not to offer any hospitality, no meals, a cup of tea if we are lucky. my mil is the opposite, btw, loves the grandchildren, loves us to visit.

LittleMissLucy · 29/05/2013 23:41

I feel a bit sorry for her, it sounds like she's not sure of her place in your family and so doesn't actually know how to behave. She's throwing herself into TV as a defense. Its boring and unhelpful but there's a cause. I think you need to be kind and get to the bottom of it.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 30/05/2013 11:29

Maybe she could stay with you next time lucy

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/05/2013 11:36

Moss she sounds horrendous, no wonder you were pissed off.

Has she gone?

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 30/05/2013 12:05

Yep dropped her off at station on my way to work
She will be someone else's problem for a bit now as she's off on yet another holiday tomorrow with her 25yr old neighbour

OP posts:

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