AIBU?
Smoking ex
DaveMccave · 27/05/2013 15:07
My dd (5) spends most weekends at her fathers. Her clothes always come back stinking of stale fag smoke. I've approached this with him several times, and he insists he doesn't know why as he doesn't smoke at home. I assumed its from when they visit his mums. As they are only there one evening I let that go, but I have never fully believed him. Some weekends she doesn't visit her gran, and still her things stink.
I've just seen photos on his Facebook of him and friends with fags in their hands, in his flat. If I ask him about it he will say he doesn't smoke when she is there. Dd backs this up and says he goes outside to smoke.
He is very aggressive and defensive about these things so I'm wary about what to do. Should I just ignore and be glad he doesn't smoke when she is there? Or should I be concerned about the stale smoke? Will it still harm her? Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until he stops smoking at home when she is not there?
The smell did get much worse when two of his friends who smoke moved in.
DizzyZebra · 27/05/2013 15:09
Whether its harmful or not, I'm not sure you can actually do anything about it... So not sure what the point of this is. I don't think you're being unreasonable though. I'm quitting smoking and had never before realised how the smell is everywhere and its awful.
BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 15:10
^Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until he stops smoking at home when she is not there?^
Yes, very I'm afraid. It is legal to smoke and it is not your decision if he does so.
I 100% understand why you hate it but you cannot stop her relationship with her father because he smokes.
CloudsAndTrees · 27/05/2013 15:17
If he goes outside to smoke when she's there, I don't think you can expect any more.
You would be extremely unreasonable to stop a parent and a child having a relationship because the parent smokes at home when the child isn't around. I can't believe the thought even entered your head tbh.
littlediamond33 · 27/05/2013 15:22
if he smokes inside when dd isnt there, then it is possible that his flat will smell of smoke (esp if he has friends round who also smoke) smoke lingers and gets 'in' everything eg soft furnishings, carpets etc so maybe thats why dd clothes smell? Just a thought.But i dont think you can/should stop dd contact with her father because of this.
mumofweeboys · 27/05/2013 15:25
Hi
My ex bf parents used to smoke in the house they shared but never when kids or myself were there (I dont smoke), however my clothes always smelled of stale smoke when I had been round there as the furniture had soaked it up. His mum was always opening widows and using air freshners, the house never smelled of smoke but when I got home I could always smell it on my clothes or even my hair if Id been lying on the leather sofa.
MadameOvary · 27/05/2013 15:36
I could have written your post.
DD always come back stinking of stale fags. Slightly less intense since he's stopped smoking and taken up e-cigs, but his flat is so marinated in fag smoke that it's in the fabric of the sofas etc.
I'm still bewildered as to how people can still believe that fag smoke just disappears without a trace. 
janey68 · 27/05/2013 15:36
I cannot for the life of me understand why any sane adult smokes, particularly once they become a parent. I would hate this too but she's got a right to see her father so actually it's not a case of whether you 'punish' him or not . You cannot, and should not, even think of punishing your dd by considering anything to do with contact
DaveMccave · 27/05/2013 15:56
Yes I thought stopping contact would be too much. I won't do that, just wanted to canvas some opinions.
As for why I havent approached the grandma, apparently she only smokes outside too... (must mean just when dd there) I think her house just stinks more because there are more of them and they smoke more. She gets to visit lots of relatives there each week and only goes for dinner, not quite the same as two nights and 2 days festering watching constant tv in a stale smokey flat at her fathers. And I'm just glad she's getting a proper meal on a friday and not the crap her father feeds her... But I digress.
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