Smoking ex

[DaveMccave]

My dd (5) spends most weekends at her fathers. Her clothes always come back stinking of stale fag smoke. I've approached this with him several times, and he insists he doesn't know why as he doesn't smoke at home. I assumed its from when they visit his mums. As they are only there one evening I let that go, but I have never fully believed him. Some weekends she doesn't visit her gran, and still her things stink.

I've just seen photos on his Facebook of him and friends with fags in their hands, in his flat. If I ask him about it he will say he doesn't smoke when she is there. Dd backs this up and says he goes outside to smoke.

He is very aggressive and defensive about these things so I'm wary about what to do. Should I just ignore and be glad he doesn't smoke when she is there? Or should I be concerned about the stale smoke? Will it still harm her? Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until he stops smoking at home when she is not there?

The smell did get much worse when two of his friends who smoke moved in.

[NotYoMomma]

Btw I hate smoking too. We have a relative who smokes in the house but not when dc is there and she still sometimes stinks

[NotYoMomma]

Because if he smoked when you had kids with him and he didn't do it in the house when they were there then it's a bit odd for it to suddenly be a problem now you are apart iyswim?

[DaveMccave]

Why do you ask notyomomma?

[NotYoMomma]

Did he smoke when you were together?

[DaveMccave]

Yes I thought stopping contact would be too much. I won't do that, just wanted to canvas some opinions.

As for why I havent approached the grandma, apparently she only smokes outside too... (must mean just when dd there) I think her house just stinks more because there are more of them and they smoke more. She gets to visit lots of relatives there each week and only goes for dinner, not quite the same as two nights and 2 days festering watching constant tv in a stale smokey flat at her fathers. And I'm just glad she's getting a proper meal on a friday and not the crap her father feeds her... But I digress.

[janey68]

I cannot for the life of me understand why any sane adult smokes, particularly once they become a parent. I would hate this too but she's got a right to see her father so actually it's not a case of whether you 'punish' him or not . You cannot, and should not, even think of punishing your dd by considering anything to do with contact

[MadameOvary]

I could have written your post.
DD always come back stinking of stale fags. Slightly less intense since he's stopped smoking and taken up e-cigs, but his flat is so marinated in fag smoke that it's in the fabric of the sofas etc.
I'm still bewildered as to how people can still believe that fag smoke just disappears without a trace.

[McNewPants2013]

It may be the adults home, but if people can't go outside when there are children visiting then the op should be speaking to her ex about someone actually smoking in front of her child.

Not threating contact with the father when he does go outside

[EleanorFarjeon]

I'd hate this so much, OP. But it's a very difficult one.

My nephew & his gf smoke, only outside.

Nonetheless, they, their house & their kids reek of fags.

[kinkyfuckery]

"Why do you let the grandmother smoking in the house go"

Because surely it's an adult's business if they choose to smoke in their own home....?

[mumofweeboys]

Hi

My ex bf parents used to smoke in the house they shared but never when kids or myself were there (I dont smoke), however my clothes always smelled of stale smoke when I had been round there as the furniture had soaked it up. His mum was always opening widows and using air freshners, the house never smelled of smoke but when I got home I could always smell it on my clothes or even my hair if Id been lying on the leather sofa.

[littlediamond33]

if he smokes inside when dd isnt there, then it is possible that his flat will smell of smoke (esp if he has friends round who also smoke) smoke lingers and gets 'in' everything eg soft furnishings, carpets etc so maybe thats why dd clothes smell? Just a thought.But i dont think you can/should stop dd contact with her father because of this.

[McNewPants2013]

Why do you let the grandmother smoking in the house go, yet her father goes outside and only smokes in his home when she is not there and that's the main problem.

I be more concerned about the grandmother.

[CloudsAndTrees]

If he goes outside to smoke when she's there, I don't think you can expect any more.

You would be extremely unreasonable to stop a parent and a child having a relationship because the parent smokes at home when the child isn't around. I can't believe the thought even entered your head tbh.

[kinkyfuckery]

I understand why it upsets you, but nothing you can do about it unfortunately.

[SoleSource]

Yabu.but.i underdstad and yuck.to smoking

[BarbarianMum]

^Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until he stops smoking at home when she is not there?^

Yes, very I'm afraid. It is legal to smoke and it is not your decision if he does so.

I 100% understand why you hate it but you cannot stop her relationship with her father because he smokes.

[DizzyZebra]

Whether its harmful or not, I'm not sure you can actually do anything about it... So not sure what the point of this is. I don't think you're being unreasonable though. I'm quitting smoking and had never before realised how the smell is everywhere and its awful.