AIBU to think my DDs don't need 2 dinners, even if they do extra curricular activities?

[GraduallyGoingInsane]

I'm really hurt and a bit worried. My friend (and she is normally a good friend not a cruel or vindictive one, hence me asking the MN jury) said she thinks my DDs are too skinny and I don't feed them enough.

The background...
My DDs all do between 2 and 4 hours of dance or gymnastics on 4 weeknights, plus another 3 hours dance on a Saturday morning. This is their choice - they love it, and I'm happy to support it as long as the school work is done.

Generally I pick them up from school (DD4) or the bus stop (elder 3) between 4 and 4.30. They then have training from 5 until 8ish.

My friend commented that my girls are 'too skinny' and she isn't surprised given that I only feed them one evening meal despite all the activity. We lift share to ballet, so she knows what my DDs get. She feeds her DD twice - a 'packed tea' of sandwiches, crisps etc and the a proper hot dinner after dance.

I've always thought that a light snack was more than enough and any more would probably make them a bit sick when dancing or tumbling. If my DDs ever ask for food or mention they are hungry then of course they are offered something, but they rarely say they are hungry.

They all eat cereal, juice and chopped banana in the morning before school except DD2 who claims it makes her sick to eat early. She takes a cereal bar/belvita biscuit and a piece of fruit on the bus, which isn't great but she's 14 and it's a battle I'm tired of.

They have school dinners, so I'm never 100% what they have eaten but its usually sandwiches, soup, quiches etc from what they say. They always take a bottle of water and a piece of fruit in their bags and a sugary snack (kitkat, flapjack, twix type thing).

In the car they always have a banana or an apple and a carton of juice or chocolate milk. They take water with them.

After dance or gym they have a good tea - roast chicken and veg, grilled fish and salad, pasta and sauce, lasagne, chilli, casseroles, chicken with rice etc etc.

They get treats at least once a week - pizza, ice cream, cake etc but its not a regular thing. They rarely say they're hungry, and both DD2 and to a lesser extent DD3 are reluctant eaters at the best of times.

Surely this is enough? They are skinny things, but that's how they've always been, they're small in height too. Both my family and DH's have always been short and skinny.

So, after a long post, my question is, do I need to feed them more?! If so, what?

It really depends on the child. One of mine eats a snack at after school club, and a meal afterwards, even though the snack probably counts as a meal for some of the children there.

The other one wouldn't need a meal as well - smaller appetite unless he is having a growth spurt.

A sandwich and a packet of crisps is a meal.

YANBU if your DD's aren't hungry, have a healthy body image and they aren't excessively skinny. Gymnasts/dancers do tend to run lean anyway.

As they are burning a lot of calories dancing, I would probably do what your friend does and give them a cold tea before dance and a substantial hot dinner afterwards. Sometimes I don't eat when I am hungry and won't think to ask or make myself something either and I was like that as a child. I have had to train myself to eat over the years. It is a big gap between lunch and dinner after 8pm for school age kids but that's my personal opinion. You know your kids best.

So your GP is aware and is happy. You have nothing to worry about.

I get comments because DD2 eats most of her day's calories at breakfast, has her appetite limited by anxiety at school and worries terribly about wasting food. For that reason I give her just what I know she can eat, which isn't an awful lot, in her lunchbox. A couple of well-meaning TAs have told me she'd be better if she had more food to choose from but I know different because she is my child.

You know your own children best and that they are getting everything they need

GP has checked DD1 out thoroughly - she's had the full MOT and he was happy. He hasn't seen the younger 3 but they all eat more or less the same, slightly less for DD2 maybe.

I feel much better now - I know everyone is different but I was worried I was being overly mean. I have asked if they want sandwiches before dance or gym but they all refused. It's hard enough getting them to eat before their Saturday classes in the morning sometimes!

Personally, I would worry about the the amount of classes they do, and they fact they are not keen to eat. That is me though.

I'm not surprised the eldest dd didn't start her periods. Ballet dancers and gymnast s are often amenhoriac (not having periods). It is true that children should be lean, butOP s dds are 10-16. So biologically not children (50%) of 10 year old girls are in puberty. Do the others have regular periods ? Having said that if they all eat a good cooked dinner they are most likely absolutely fine.

If the doctor isn't worried, I wouldn't be either, especially since you saw them about something that sometimes is BMI-related.

FIL was a paediatrician until he retired in the 90s and he saw a big change in that time in what was/in considered a normal size/weight. He showed me his lecture slides from early in his career, and the "healthy" ones had visible ribs. Not skeletal (!) but a lot thinner than today's average.

FWIW DD is only 14m and I get constant comments on her being so thin. She's not - just tall and lean. She never sits still but she eats like a horse. Shapes differ!

Yes Vikinglady but their BMI s need to be above 18.5 for bone health.

Not the 10yr old obvs.

DD does similar exercise & eats 5 times a day
Porridge & fruit or Bacon sandwich or Cereal & milk
Then a chicken wrap/sandwich/bagel for snack
Then pasta salad & fruit salad & yogurt/rice pudding for lunch
Tea is whatever I cook for my childminded children so fish & veggies or chicken or mince & mash
After dance she has porridge again or rice pudding or pasta or soup

But only sometimes other times it's much less & I can barely get her to eat fruit & breakfast bars; I let her self regulate at 15

Our biggest problem is if she starts off 'not eating' so takes little snack & lunch to school and then she changes into a 'hungry' day.....her dinner money doesn't go far & her friends all share their lunch as they know it's "real" (the other way round is less worrying - it's just wasted food, sad but not going to cause low blood sugar or anything)

She also went through the sick at breakfast & I think it's a hormonal thing (rather like morning sickness) and I remember it from my teen years.

But the deal is every child/teen is different and you know what's right for your children

My DDs are gymnasts. They are always hungry! They both have cereal and brioche for breakfast and a hot lunch at school. They then have toast and fruit before gym (at 5), then a cooked meal (pasta, rice, baked potato etc) after training at 9pm! I know it's late but they are ravenous after 3 hours of gym.
DD1 is shockingly skinny whilst DD2 is slim but more muscular. They are both pretty healthy and rarely tired or sick so I have no worries.
I'd maybe suggest a bit more than fruit for a snack but certainly wouldn't insist.

Wishihadabs, no the other 3 haven't started periods yet. DD1 was 16, and I was quite a late starter at 15 too so I'm not overly worried. DD3 and DD4 show no signs of puberty yet so I think it will be a while for them. I doubt any of them have a BMI over 18.5 to be honest - DD1s is 17.1 according to an online calculator and she is the most 'filled out' of them all.

They all eat their dinner without a fuss, and I usually give them adult sized portions too, and if its a dance or gym night I make sure to give them some form of complex carb (so pasta and chicken and veg rather than just chicken and veg for example).

DD2 has always been a pain with food, she was a lactose intolerant and rather sicky baby, a fussy toddler and a reluctant eater as a child. DD3 is similar, although not as bad. The other 2 eat pretty much what's put in front of them, although both hate benign 'full' before activities hence the struggle for pre-ballet breakfast on a Saturday morning.

Maybe I'll try fruit and a snack for before dance and see if they will have it, if nothing else it will show my friend I'm taking on board her concerns.

It's so difficult with girls of this age. I think the fact they all eat an adult portion of dinner is a really good sign. I would encourage full fat dairy produce (again for bone health) maybe they would eat Greek yoghurt for breakfast?

FWIW I have a degree of lactose intolerance and found Greek yoghurt the easiest way eat calcium rich food.

Until I was 17 I went to The Royal Ballet School, boarding from when I was 11 years, never did we have '2 dinners' or loads of extra 'snack meals'. We ate 3 normal meals a day, yes we had snacks but not extra small or otherwise, meals.

OP what they eat sounds fine.

A huge amount of people eat loads more than they need to,in my personal experance its most people I know and most of these are not significantly over weight.

These people also tend to pass on bad eating habits to their children.

A fairly good example of a child I know on a weekend where I spent the day with the grandparent who had her for the weekend.

9am get up and called down to

2x fried eggs
2x sausages
2x hashbrowns
3x bacon
1x fried bread
3x table spoons of baked beans
Ketchup

Go into town by 11.30 sat in cafe child fed

Teenager size portion of sausage chips and spaggetti (3x sausages)

Go to park on way to bus to return to gp's home stop at McDonalds child fed a chicken nugget meal ( not a happy meal size a normal adult one) fries and coke.
This was about 2.45

By 5pm grandma was making noises about how she was late for dinner and the dc would be starving for dinner they had chicken curry.

The dc is 7 years old and the amount of food she got through in one day was more than a fairly active adult male should be eating.

You will often find this over feeding/ eating trend with people who refer to actual meals as snacks and think food does not count if its not hot and does not contain meat oh and if you eat it walking around apparently it didnt happen.

Absolutely right, sock.

My DH was terrible for this. He would have a bowl of rice crispies, then snacks, etc., etc.

When I pointed out that should his murmurs about losing weight be genuine in anyway, he may want to cut down, he said 'But Rice crispies are just puffs of air!'

My answer was: 'Well, they're either worth eating, so they're food, or they're not, so don't eat them!'

It sounds fine to me (although I'd rather have a sandwich or something before and a half-portion of dinner after, but that's just my personal preference).

I'd just be careful to keep evaluating it though... in my early teens I was quite happy eating how yours are, but when I got a bit older I just couldn't do it any more. It probably changed about when I started my periods, 16 or so.

It wasn't until university when I realised it was the eating (I used to be in labs 1-5 then dance 5.30-9 two nights so had a huge gap between meals). Well actually, I didn't realise. I'd been particularly grumpy and tearful one lesson and just couldn't pick up the steps, and then I went to eat with some of the others and was all sweetness and light again. The next week one of my friends turned up with some crackers and fruit, and told me I wasn't allowed to dance until I'd had something to eat! I'm the same now, I had to apologise to my dance partner for being foul only last week, after forgetting to have a snack before practice.

So, the point of that long rambly bit was just keep an eye out in case they change. Oh, and (I'm sure you do) but tell them it's fine if some of them do want it and some don't, so they don't feel awkward asking.

But if they're happy, then I'm sure it's fine

My sisters and I did gymnastics for years, sounds like a similar routine to your DDs. We never had 'two dinners', we had snacks of fruit or biscuits while walking from school to the leisure centre, and plenty to drink. You're definitely right that if your DDs ate a heavier meal too soon before gymnastics that it'd make them feel ill; the usual advice for any kind of exercise is that you shouldn't eat much in the hour before exercising.

Don't worry, you're doing what's right for your children. If they needed more food they'd tell you, because they'd struggle to get through 2-4 hours of gymnastics if they didn't have enough to sustain them.

Their diet sounds fine. Healthy children are meant to be on the 'skinny' side.

Unfortunately people are becoming used to children being plumper/overweight and imo are beginning to see this as the norm. It is better to be on the 'skinny' side as a child, as those fat cells laid down in childhood are very difficult to shift as adults.

If you are concerned I would mention their eating habits/weight to your gp next time you go.

Sorry, I have just seen the gp has checked out the older one. I wouldn't worry at all then!

I'd personally be worried if they were all underweight (op has said their bmis are all underweight), their periods are starting late and they do that much intense activity.

However I seem to be in the minority!

They haven't been to the Dr about weight issues though (although I certainly wouldn't make a 'thing' of it in front of them at all). Its a key period when body image is an issue etc.