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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Your fat jewish friend

70 replies

Wuldric · 27/05/2013 13:11

I am just utterly shell-shocked. I live in a world, where no-one would be overtly racist, sexist or homophobic. I thought ....

So this morning, Friend B asked me if I was playing (all have this shared interest) next weekend with Friend A. His exact words were "Are you playing with your fat jewish friend?"

How on earth do I respond to that? It's not remotely acceptable is it? Friend A is overweight, and jewish and a friend. But put together that all sounds so sneery and nasty and downright anti-semitic.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 27/05/2013 16:57

Yabvu rude yes but not anti Semitic. Mabey your friend is fat and he is jewish

wintertimeisfun · 27/05/2013 16:58

thank you for posts that are supportive. as a jew (who doesn't 'look' text book jewish & who doesn't mix in jewish circles) i have had on a regular basis major antisemitic comments, not directed at me but infront of me not knowing i was a jew. wanted to floor to open up many times, usually i would immediately say i was a jew, other times tried not to burst into tears. re OP, tbh i don't think it was a major comment, 'normal' to me, heard loads worse, not anti obviously anti jew, depends how it was said, it may have literally been a comment to describe the person ie OP may have had more than one fat friend and didn't know either of their names, but chances are they don't like jews. alot of people don't, each to their own. thanks to the posters who seemed to agree with OP, it meant alot actually to read them, thank you :)

Justfornowitwilldo · 27/05/2013 17:04

I've been called a 'Jewish bitch' whilst walking through a train station. I'm not Jewish. I may be a bitch. It shocked the hell out of me.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2013 17:16

I've had similar Justfornowitwilldo (I'm not Jewish but apparently some people think I look it).

I am not insulted to be called Jewish, but it has always been quite clear from the context that the people in question were not using it as a compliment.

I am always suspicious (of people's motives) when the words they use to describe someone seem to bear no relation to the context. Yes the OP may have several fat friends, all identical except in matters of religion - but somehow I doubt it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/05/2013 17:19

StuntGirl... I said that I'd never seen a black woman who didn't have beautiful skin. I won't call you silly, just perhaps prompt you to Specsavers...

thesecretmusicteacher · 27/05/2013 17:37

racism is about not being able to get past a characteristic that arouses disgust (usually due to you being brought up to feel that disgust) to the thing that is relevant.

As in: "and then the doctor finally came in, and he was black as the ace of spades"...... the patient is not going to listen to that doctor because she can't see past him being black. It's not somehow not racist if the doctor's skin tone does happen to be the same as that of the ace of spades in a random pack of playing cards that was lying in the surgery.

Goldenbear · 27/05/2013 17:38

It is a very rude comment and sounds aggressive which Is what I think makes the comment a prejudice one.

My DP is Jewish but he is not religious at all. He would definitely argue that being 'Jewish' is more than a faith as he does not have that faith. His Mother and all of her family, extended family are Secular Jews.

MissAnnersley · 27/05/2013 17:39

What?

MissAnnersley · 27/05/2013 17:39

Sorry that was to thesecretmusicteacher.

thesecretmusicteacher · 27/05/2013 17:41

Friend B: wouldn't use friend A's name. Instead picked on the characteristics that arouse disgust in him. That's why it's obviously racist.

MissAnnersley · 27/05/2013 17:44

Oh right. I did not get that, sorry.

Justfornowitwilldo · 27/05/2013 19:00

It's an incredibly weird feeling isn't it BarbarianMum. I was too stunned to speak. I was just glad afterwards that I hadn't come out with a reflex, 'I'm not Jewish.'

Antisecco · 27/05/2013 19:04

God for you Just...I think that bespeaks an innate lack of racism/anti-Semitism! (Sorry if that sounds sarcastic...it's not meant to)

I still recall with a wince the day a cookery demonstrator was doing a Chicken Soup and said 'Don't worry, I'm not Jewish'. I kid you not!

mouldyironingboard · 27/05/2013 19:17

The comment sounds about as racist as saying 'your fat black friend' which is also unacceptable. It's using race as an insult so YANBU.

Latara · 27/05/2013 19:17

I have heard anti-semitism from the most unexpected people i'm afraid.

One was a patient at work who called a nurse colleague ''you Jewish bitch'' - my colleague was shocked and burst into tears.
She is secular, young and unused to racism. Also she is definitely not a bitch, ever.

Other comments have been overheard from various acquaintances, colleagues, even a friend, and i always call them up on it because it makes me so angry.

OP's friend's comment wasn't overtly anti-semitic but the juxtaposition of ''fat'' and ''Jewish'' definitely would make me think that he was inclined to be anti-semitic.

Punkatheart · 27/05/2013 19:48

I think stereotyped comments are tricky too. I am from an Indian family but I don't appreciate 'So you all love curry then do you?' comments. Lumping all one race into a bucket and making assumptions is a wee bit patronising....

Original poster

Wuldric · 27/05/2013 20:09

No I didn't answer the question. Because I was so shocked. Friend B took this as assent (that i was in fact playing with Friend A).

Grim, really. Just goes to show you (I) don't know people as well as I think I do.

OP posts:

MissAnnersley · 27/05/2013 20:12

Sometimes people say things that shock you though and it takes a while for it to really register/process.

It is grim but it's something you won't forget and you would be ready with an answer if it ever happened again.

infamouspoo · 27/05/2013 20:47

the fact he didnt use the mutual friends name and felt the need to use 'fat jewish' would make me go

foreverondiet · 27/05/2013 22:24

Jewish is an ethnic group as well as a religion. Fat has some element of bring a lifestyle choice - not sure which but is less appropriate...

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