To think fuck off with your competitive parenting!

[HandbagCrab]

Ds and I were looking at a bird in an enclosure at an animal centre. Ds can say duck for all birds but I was trying to see if I could get him to say bird too (he's 18 months). This woman spies us and brings her child and parks her buggy next to us so they are practically touching (there's lots of space so this was unnecessary).

She's all 'what colours can you see in the partridge's tail, Jocasta? (Jocasta names some colours) Very good, can you see any other colours too?' in a loud parenting voice.

I feel it's just another bloody example of competitive, constant comparison between dc and I'm so tired of it. I get people are insecure, but why should they get validation from my child because theirs can 'do' more than mine? I know it's not a big deal, but I find these little comparisons happening all the time and this is just the latest and most ridiculous of the lot.

I just walked away from partridge-worrying mum, what do you do with the competitive buggers?

[HandbagCrab]

Thanks room I meant performance parenting and didn't realise it was different to loud parenting.

[SirChenjin]

Room

[Sparklingbrook]

Maybe it's a regional thing.

[LEMisdisappointed]

It gets worse you know!

[HandbagCrab]

Precisely cory :)

[tallulah]

You can tell when a mother talking loudly to her child is totally absorbed in said child and hasn't even noticed anyone else around them, and one who is busy looking around to see who is listening.

I used to chat away to DD all around the supermarket, just because if I didn't she would create. A man approached me once and said how lovely it was to hear someone talking to their child (I think it was something deep and meaningful like "do you think your brother wants bananas or apples?" ) and I was really . I was totally unaware of anyone else in the shop.

Yet we followed a middle aged couple around M&S once and they went on and on about "we'll have to get one of these for when we go to Australia", quick glance around to see who has heard "perhaps this would be good for Australia". another look around. Some people are just up themselves.

[tallulah]

x post Jersey. But I was in Sainsburys. Get you with your Waitrose .

[OxfordBags]

OP, I say this with the best will in the world - what really comes across to me is that you sound quite insecure and a slightly bit worried about your DS's development (which sounds fine, IMHO). The little girl's mum was doing the EXACT same thing you were doing, but on a slightly more sophisticated scale as her child was older.

I reckon I know exactly why she came right next to you, because it's what I would've done - you can feel a bit daft going "Ooh, is that a goose? What do geese say - honk honk? Yes, geese say honk honk!" or something, when you're trying to encourage your child, and if I see another parent doing similar, I will stand nearby or next to them, so we can both look a bit earnest and daft waffling on about geese or ducks or flowers or whatever. It's like an unspoen solidarity. I wonder if the poor woman was actually doing it to ne nice to you! I always take it as a friendly gesture if someone else does it to me, even though my Ds's speech is ever so slightly delayed.

And I also talk to my Ds pretty much most of the time when we are out. Because I like talking to him. And sometimes it keeps him happy and quiet and saves my sanity. I also do things like ask him which juice Daddy might like, as I feel like it involves him a bit in proceeedings; I'm big on kids participating, not just being lugged about whilst the parent gets on with necessary activities.

Parents are supposed to talk to their kids, aren't they? Why has doing something completely normal, that makes them feel loved, noticed, part of things, and which helps them learn new things, work on skills and how to communicate, become seen as a poncey 'trend' to sneer at? Makes me sad. I tell you what is a shit trend: the current one for pretending to be as uninvolved and 'whatever' as possible as a parent. It's like kids at school making out it's cool to be thick and get crap grades all over again

[SomethingOnce]

Ds is big for his age so looks older but he doesn't walk unaided and cannot speak in sentences yet. I think he's doing fine and he seems perfectly happy but other people can't help but compare, compare, compare with other children that are younger and doing more.

I mean this kindly, but I think you have significant underlying anxiety about his development and it's causing you to interpret (possibly entirely neutral) things like this in a way that makes you feel judged and is feeding your insecurities.

Have you talked to your HV or HP for reassurance?

[SirChenjin]

Bless

[SomethingOnce]

Mega cross-post!

[Sparklingbrook]

I just think that Handbag was just fed up that someone had invaded her personal space in order to loudly show off with their child, and people are massively reading between the lines to make out she is insecure.

[EspressoMonkey]

A competitive friend of mine was thrilled when her DS would announce "mission accomplished" when he built a tower of bricks. She worked full time except Friday afternoon when she would take her DS to a playgroup with me. She would bring the building blocks with her so that her DS could build a tower and announce "mission accomplished" and she could show the rest of the group how clever he was. Then one day another mum laughed and said her DS must watch a lot of Bob the Builder to have mastered his catch phrase. My friend was very and changed her child minder shortly afterwards!

[GraduateofPoorComp]

SparklingBrook It may be regional. I had a friend who claimed it was particularly bad in Cheltenham!

On balance though it didn't bother me in the way parents ignoring their kids did/does. I also think I may be a bit "over informative" to my own kids.

OP If she was trying to put you down she was being a twit, otherwise she was just thoughtless in standing so close and being loud.

[southeastastra]

these threads always go this way, though i imagine most mnetters are loud parenters themselves

[rabbitlady]

i'm not into competitive (grand)parenting. i don't have to be because my grandbaby is the best of all babies. the only competition ever was her mum, and she might just have had the edge, but happily they are different in approach so there is no direct comparison to be made. that will be very reassuring for you. jocasta doesn't get a look in.

[AThingInYourLife]

Competitive Parenting is in the eye of the beholder as far as I can see.

The person talking to their child is probably unaware of the seething ball of rage nearby furious that anyone should talk to their child about colours in a bird's tail feathers/their father's favourite drink/answers to non-crucial questions.

It's like people who imagine that everyone (apart from them) is in a clique.

What other people say to or do with their children is not a comment on your parenting.

[SirChenjin]

I can almost see the from here

[Sparklingbrook]

Ooh I'm not far from Cheltenham Graduate.

[SomethingOnce]

I hope, and probably assume, other parents are like you Oxford; part of me fears they are secretly like a lot of people on this thread.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I don't doubt that it goes on, but I have read so many threads on MN over the years about performance parenting, but I must say I have never seen an example of someone speaking loudly to their child whilst looking around for an audience.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

And I used to live in Cheltenham! And still go there all the time.

Perhaps it is because I have a older child so have avoided toddler groups etc.

That said, Cheltenham Waitrose is interesting.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think you have to have been there and seen it with your own eyes to realise GetOrf. A lot of it you couldn't fail to notice.

You don't need DC with you either-the performance can be for everyone to at.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It it's competitive or loud parenting then just walk away, pay it no heed. Remove yourself from their necessary audience, OP; if it's just the always acceptable 'loud parenting', they won't notice. I don't like it either; no need for it at any time.

[LayMeDown]

Ds is big for his age so looks older but he doesn't walk unaided and cannot speak in sentences yet

You do seem a bit worried about your DS. I dont know much about walking but an 18 month old not speaking in full sentences is perfectly normal. My DS is 20 months and still only says words (and not that many of them). I am delighted with him though because compared to my other two he is verbose. They were almost completely mute until 2. At around 2 they just exploded into speech. They are fine now though, in fact they never shut up. Walking and talking are always big concerns for toddler parents, but try not to worry. Soon enough you'll be telling him to sit down and be quiet!!