Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to not be entirely sure what my sister wants me to say or do?

58 replies

CrapBag · 25/05/2013 14:46

Nothing major, trivial stuff really but its bugging me and I am wondering if I should be saying or doing something more.

My sister had my kids (5 and 2) for the first time recently. They enjoyed it and so did she. However when they were there I got a text to say that they had their tea, liked it and were ready for bed and one of them had moved her dogs collar and she couldn't find it. I just replied that I was glad they were ok (the 2 year old was a bit upset when I left her as she isn't used to staying away from me). My sister can get in slightly funny moods sometimes and I had a feeling that she was pissed off that the collar had been moved, but god knows what I was suppose to do about it.

She said to pick them up any time the next day when I asked what time she wanted me to get them. Then in the morning I got a text saying "pick them up between 2-3. Giving them dinner and taking them out now" No, "can you come between 2-3" or anything. We could have been out somewhere although we weren't. We went up there at the time she said. I asked if they had been ok as that is what I thought the slightly off messages were about and she said they were fine. I knew she was going out that evening so I asked her if she was going out earlier than planned (hence the "pick them up x") and she said she wasn't, so I just left it at that. Then she made a point of telling me that DS (the 5 year old) had got nail varnish on her bedding. I called him in and told him off, that he wasn't to do that, old enough to know better, apologise to aunt, that sort of thing. DSis then said it was ok, she had already told him off.

A week later I got a text out of the blue asking if I knew how to remove nail varnish off from bedding. I have a feeling this is her way of telling me its still there and she can't get it off. I said I didn't know, try vanish and if not look up on the net as there was bound to be something on there. Then I felt obliged to help so I looked it up and there was something but too long for me to explain so I told her where to find it as it would be easier for her to read herself. She said vanish hadn't worked, no mention of finding out info for herself so I told her exactly what I had found. Got a text back saying "not happy, it was really expensive" then "I'll try it but doubt it will work"

I asked her when we picked the kids up about having them and she said she enjoyed it and would do it anytime, the kids liked staying there so I am sure this isn't her way of saying she doesn't want them again. She is NOT backward in coming forward so she would have said if she didn't want to have them again.

Is she expecting more from me or am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:

MalcolmTuckersMum · 25/05/2013 15:09

notapizzaeater Where does it say the sister was doing the OP a favour?

SgtTJCalhoun · 25/05/2013 15:09

I would never expect my sister to pay for damage caused by her kids when I was looking after them.

I think she's being a bit of a twat tbh.

TidyDancer · 25/05/2013 15:10

Christ yes, you DEFINITELY need to offer to replace the bedding. Even if (as someone suggested up thread) it is only possible for you to pay in instalments. It is extremely rude not to do that if it's your DCs that have caused the damage. It may well be that she's not looking for the money, just the acknowledgment that you paying is the right thing to do. She may not accept the money at all.

Original poster

CrapBag · 25/05/2013 15:11

Tbh I didn't really think of it from the lack of supervision angle. The kids were in bed at the time it happened so she wouldn't have been up there with them (I think this is when it happened, I may need to check on that, I assumed this really) she did know they were still awake.

It is a good point about the supervision because when we got there DD went off upstairs by herself and Dsis didn't say anything and let her go, she didn't come down for a while either so actually there could be worse things around for them to get hold of. That is something I am going to need to raise.

As she doesn't have kids yet I think she doesn't think of the stuff they could get hold of, that and I have never known anyone to have such lack of common sense in general anyway. Getting a bit worried now although I do trust her to look after them, this has got me thinking.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2013 15:11

You should have offered from the outset to get the bedding back as it was, be it through cleaning or replacement. She shouldn't have had to send the not so subtle texts. yabvvvu

FarBetterNow · 25/05/2013 15:11

YANBU

If she carries on whingeing tell her she is very lucky that her lack of supervision didn't result in injury to the DCs.

squeakytoy · 25/05/2013 15:14

"To me, she had them in her care so its actually her responsibility to be looking after them"

It is, but a five year old should also know better than to touch nail varnish.

Original poster

CrapBag · 25/05/2013 15:16

I agree squeaky and DS was told off very firmly by me. He won't do it again. Kids are not perfect though and they will always do things they are not suppose to.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2013 15:17

At you serious IP?!? Your child ruins her bedding, not only do you not particularly apologise or offer to help in,any way shape or form, but now you are blaming her for not looking after your kids?? Extraordinary.

Smartieaddict · 25/05/2013 15:19

I am surprised by all the people saying you should pay for the damage! I often have my sisters two boys, and she has mine. If my stuff got damaged I would treat it in the same way as if it was done by my DS. The child would be dealt with. I would probably mention it to Dsis, but that would be the end of it. I would expect the same from her.

It would be different if you had asked a friend to have the DC's as a favour, I think then damage should be paid for, but these are your sisters family too. It seems odd to me that she would expect anything from you, and see it as any more than one of those unfortunate incidents that happens with children at times.

Picturesinthefirelight · 25/05/2013 15:19

You must all have perfect 5 year olds. Mine at that age wouldn't have known better.

Original poster

CrapBag · 25/05/2013 15:23

"not only do you not particularly apologise"

FFS. I DID APOLOGISE. I ALSO GOT DS TO APOLOGISE. I have said this is in the thread.

Sorry to everyone else for shouting but I have said that I did apologise. I didn't walk in there, say "oh well" and bog off again.

Smartie that's exactly what I think. When she has kids I would not expect her to sort out any damage caused by them in my house whilst I had them.

OP posts:

FarBetterNow · 25/05/2013 15:24

AreThereAny: Have you not read this thread?

The OP has told her DS to apologise and he did.
The OP has looked up methods of removing nail varnish and forwarded them to DSis.

NotLongUntilXmas · 25/05/2013 15:38

My children wouldn't have known what nail varnish was at 5years old as I don't use it. The sister should have been watching the children. She should have heard them going into her room after bedtime if that's when it happened. If it happened during the day, it's her fault.
If my niece and nephew (or indeed my own children) ruined something due to my lack of supervision, I would accept that it was my own fault.

My DD-14 got red nail varnish on my brand new cream carpet. About an hour of scrubbing with a toothbrush and nail varnish remover and it disappeared.

If my child did this, I think I would offer to have a go at getting the nail varnish out, but certainly wouldn't accept the blame. In fact, somebody earlier mentioned that the boy could have injured/poisoned himself. I think I would say something along the lines of it being lucky that it was the bedding damaged and not my son.

I hope your relationship with your sister isn't damaged and that, if she ever has her own children, she realises how unreasonable she was in blaming you for her mistake.

digerd · 25/05/2013 15:43

Nail varnish remover is really for hard nails. It could ruin some fabrics.

I hope she does realise that dangerous things and substances must be removed from little people's reach, especially when unsupervised.

BoundandRebound · 25/05/2013 15:44

If you damage something by accident at a friends house you would apologise a lot and offer to replace or repair, your sister deserves the same respect

Your children are an extension of you and you have the same responsibility with regards to their actions.

Am quite appalled at the number of posters who think you don't

TigerSwallowTail · 25/05/2013 15:59

I have also found a way that says it will come out and told her step by step how to do it.

If you know how to get it out you could offer to take the sheets and try it yourself. I think if you're conpletely refusing to offer to pay to replace them then you should offer to try and get it out.

elfycat · 25/05/2013 16:04

If I were in the house and the supervising adult then I would take responsibility for accidents. But the OP wasn't the supervising adult - her sister was. So the OP's sister wasn't supervising a 5 and 2 year old (the most troublesome age I think looking at DDs 4.5 and 2.5 ). How is this the OP's fault? It's her fault because she gave birth 5 and 2 years ago?

Having said that I have offered to pay/replace things broken by my DDs especially when my friend was doing me a favour looking after them. She turns me down as her DD is the same age and there's always the possibility of a return of damage at my house.

I can see both sides of this, but your sister should have hidden the nail varnish, kept an eye on the children or kept them out of the room with expensive things in it. If you can afford to make good then fine, but if not then you'll have to apologise and possibly never ask for a babysitting favour at her house.

maddening · 25/05/2013 16:06

You really need to replace the sheets or have it looked at by someone who may be able to help.

If you can't afford to replace now then ask her how much it is to replace now and save up that amount - let her know you are doing that.

Going forward either don't let her look after the dc at her house (she could come to yours for example) or show her how to baby proof so she can decide whether to take the chance again.

elfycat · 25/05/2013 16:06

Can you get a quote for professional stain removal? I wouldn't try to remove it myself as then you are taking responsibility for if it fades/ stains and makes more of a mess.

Bowlersarm · 25/05/2013 16:07

Well I'm another one that is going to appall you Bound

If I was looking after someone's kids I wouldn't expect anything to be replaced if it was damaged. If i knew it was intentional, it may make it a bit different but I don't think so.

Having said that, if I knew it was that which she was cross about then I would offer to have it cleaned, repaired etc.

Maybe she thinks she has done you a huge favour and you aren't grateful enough?

maddening · 25/05/2013 16:07

I think it is the op's responsibility as no where does she state that she went through baby proofing etc with her dsis knowing her dsis has no experience.

RaspberryRuffle · 25/05/2013 16:13

I think you should re-apologise and offer to have the cover cleaned (or you do it) as you can't afford to replace it, I sympathise because it's an expense you can't afford (replacing it). It would be a good idea to try whatever cleaning products on a less visible part of the cover, depending on the material if the varnish has hardened you might be able to pick it off?
Your sister possibly can afford this nice cover because she hasn't got kids but if it's expensive she may have thought of it as an 'investment' or a treat to splash out on in which case she's not being unreasonable to be Really Pissed Off. I think when you can't 'right the wrong' then a bit of grovelling would help.

Don't let it spoil your relationship with her or the children.

RaspberryRuffle · 25/05/2013 16:14

Oh and I do agree with Boundand Rebound, same goes for pets, husbands etc.

piprabbit · 25/05/2013 16:19

Just ask her nicely what she wants.
TBH 90% of your complaints in the OP sound like you are over-thinking what she is saying, but I do think you need to make sure she is OK about her bedding.

Flip

1 2 3