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Original poster

Oh wise MN !!! There has got to be a way to outfox evil SIL as regards Stbxh with memory issues.

51 replies

catfourfeet · 24/05/2013 21:26

StbxH has amnesia, very poor short term memory, depression and is living 150 miles away. Oringinally with evil sil and now in a flat of his own.

Im not going over old ground, our reltionship is beyond help whilst he is under evil SIL's control, I'm "done" with all that. Its the contact with the Dc's that is just beyond belief.

What would you think of "man" who didn't offer emergeny contact numbers for use if DC's are seriously injured / ill ???

How do I make sure that e-mails etc "get" to him ??

I have no phone numbers.

I send via solicitor but get no response, I send letters , no response etc etc.

Unless I can PROVE that evil sil has seen said e-mails their existance will be denied or lack of response blamed on "his memory problems".

I dont mind the lack of reponse as such but I can never know if its

a) He got the e-mail but didnt want to repond ( fair enough , if a bit childish)

b) Got e-mail but then forgot about it and evil SIL wont remind ( in effect controlling him)

Last e-mail from me to stbxh asked about emergency contact if one of the Dc's is SERIOUSLY injured / ill and I said " If I do not get a reponse to this e-mail I will assume you do not want to be contacted in the event of serious illness / injury to the DC's"

no reponse in a week.

WHAT does this mean ????

That Stbxh doesnt want contact if DC's are ill / injured?? ( I feel sick thinking that this might be true)

or

Evil that SIL has had a hand in it ??

AARRGGHHH !!!!!!!

what method could I employ to ensure evil SIL has to accknowledge communications and thus cant "deny"she has seen them ???

Ive asked for a "trusted individual" to monitor his e-mail account but thats yielded nothing.

I offer this up to the collective wisdom of mumsnet , HHEELLLPP !!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
catfourfeet · 25/05/2013 09:05

it's his choice to have done all this

But this ^^ is what I really struggle with.

If his memory was fine his actions would be unforgivable and he would be the biggest t**t known to msn and my dcs would be better off without him.

Buuuuut he doesn't know when he last spoke to dcs.

He's been told in the past that his solicitor told him he "wasn't allowed to see the dcs"

He forgets and forgets and forgets.
And if sil is telling him he's in regular contact he will know no different.

I do get the point that I have issued an ultimatum. But what happens if you issue an ultimatum and you have no idea if it ever reached the person it was intended for ??? What then ???

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 25/05/2013 09:06

And in an emergency his presence is not going to add anything to the situation interns if helping you.

Text or email if there is an emergency but then leave it.

You are setting up a situation in which you will always be the loser.

diddl · 25/05/2013 09:09

He does forget when he has spoken to them-OK.

But he won't answer if they call & cuts off from them if you try to talk!!

They are both his choices tbh.

Both of those would really harden my heart to him.

HerrenaHarridan · 25/05/2013 09:17

Oh cat!

I'm so sorry to say this but you have to stand by what you said "if you don't respond I will assume you do not want to be contacted"

Stop chasing him up, you can't make him be a better father Angry

I'm so, so sorry to say this but I think you know it's true.

Poor kids Sad

TSSDNCOP · 25/05/2013 09:18

What is the real risk of the DC being in a serious accident/illness and what use practically would an amnesiac man 150 miles away be?

Send the e-mail with a read receipt. Tell him in the e-mail you've enabled that function and if you don't hear to the contrary you'll conclude his agreement. Send hard copy by post with copy to solicitor.

Pour self Brew and fantasise of ways SIL can disappear up own arse.

HerrenaHarridan · 25/05/2013 09:18

If your concerned he hasn't read the email, keep sending and posting it Grin

Hissy · 25/05/2013 09:49

Cat, i've not been through a situation like you describe, but I was in a relationship that was abusive.

This relationship you have now, if you can even call it that, is now harming you and your DC.

He is choosing to ignore his DC, and he cuts off the call if you interject.

Those are his active choices. Please see that.

I may not have had your situation happen to me, but I have had to come to the excruciating realisation, now 4 times if you factor in my family, that people do choose to be horrible, to neglect and hurt us. I have also seen as these same people hurt my darling boy, just to get at me.

I'm 99% there to cutting them all dead from my life, and I know that however hard it is for me to do, I have to put my feelings aside, my hopes too, and just do what I must to stop being in their diabolical firing line.

You are your children's family.YOU! A decent loving parent on her own is better than a pair of parents, one of which isn't emotionally there, and doesn't want to be.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 25/05/2013 09:50

What is the real risk of the DC being in a serious accident/illness and what use practically would an amnesiac man 150 miles away be?

Is not the practical help , it's if the dcs were asking for him.

Accidents can happen, no one knows the future.

If he has chosen to not respond then so be it.
But HE may not have chosen , may have no knowledge of any if this , that's what I strugggle with.

He's lied to over and over by sil.

OP posts:
Hissy · 25/05/2013 09:59

When my abusive ex left I was in pieces, in everyday imaginable.

I expected my mother to care, to ask how I was.

I didn't expect her to call my ex, wishing him a bon voyage, and then bugger off herself to New Zealand without so much as a nod in my direction.

She avoided me for a good 2 weeks after she got back too.

My counsellor said that it was my own fault for getting hurt in that situation, as mother had never been there for me all my life, why expect any different now.

I was Shock but she was right.

I'm afraid you have lost your H. You need to grieve him, and then heal and move on.

What has happened TO you isn't fair. You don't deserve it, but you didn't cause it, you can't fix it, and none of it is any indictment on you, or your DC. They need to know this too.

Hissy · 25/05/2013 10:00

Everyday = every way

KansasCityOctopus · 25/05/2013 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brass · 25/05/2013 10:18

how does he remember to skype every month then?

RenterNomad · 25/05/2013 10:51

I remember your other threads, and perhaps the power struggle you went through with SIL means that you can't see where you are now: in the same situation as with a parent with dementia, who can't remember things and people, and for whom your demands (even though born out of innocent distress) are themselves distressing, since the past tying him to you is gone. The tactlessness/insensitivity and irritability of the dementia sufferer is well documented.

I would like to know, though, how he managed to "move out". If he's really that bad, allowing him to be "in charge" of his affairs is surely neglect.

ophelia275 · 25/05/2013 11:06

Use the programme Read Verify. It will tell you if an email has been read and it will show you the location of where it has been read. It is very discreet.

Here; www.readverify.com/readverify/login.asp

Original poster
catfourfeet · 25/05/2013 11:09

Renter

He doesnt have dementia, it was incorrectly diagnosed.ALthough it does present very like dementia

If he's really that bad, allowing him to be "in charge" of his affairs is surely neglect

my thoughts exactly, nows hes in a flat of his own,

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 25/05/2013 11:24

Cat.

His memory and his health is no longer your problem to deal with. All your problem is,is having to prove you have made reasonable attempts to either provide or obtain information.

You do this by email then printing a copy of the email and posting it to his address with a free certificate of postage ( you ask for this at the post office counter when you hand them the letter).

That's it your responsibility has been carried out and your role in the situation is over.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 25/05/2013 11:36

thanks for all the posts

you are all right, its nto my problem now,

I will send recorded delivery and a "tracked" e-mail and then at least I can "prove" I did what I could.
Sad but there it is.

Oh well I have a house full of small boys for my ds birthday so I will concentrate on our lives and enjoy my new family ( and my dcs are FAB Wink though I am biased)

thanks again

OP posts:
itsallaboutME · 25/05/2013 11:50

Does he have a social worker? As a vulnerable adult it may be worthwhile pursuing that route.

itsallaboutME · 25/05/2013 11:52

Or let it go. Your dcs know he is ill. No contact may be better for you all xxx

ophelia275 · 25/05/2013 12:56

I think you need to detach from his mentally and maybe give yourself a break from the whole situation. I know you want to blame your evil SIL but if he is ending Skype phone calls to your kids because you dare to come on the line then it is obvious he is a) very immature and b) doesn't really care that much about how your kids will be affected.

You can blame it all on SIL or on his amnesia but tbh, he doesn't sound like a very nice guy and it can't all come down to amnesia unless this has resulted in a permanent radical personality change in which case he probably has neurological issues and should be in hospital. I think he (and you) are using it to excuse his appalling behaviour.

helenthemadex · 25/05/2013 13:01

my exh lives in a different country from me and our dd's he has not got issues like you ex does apart from him being a complete wanker I don't have an emergency contact number for him, all I have is an email address.

Its his choice, so he has to accept that if god forbid if his daughters needed him there could well be a delay in me contacting him as I only have an email address

helenthemadex · 25/05/2013 13:04

posted to soon, I was going to say I'm sure it him or his new wife being controlling but I cant control him or his actions only my reaction to it, so I choose to ignore it

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 25/05/2013 13:13

I think you have to accept that you're not going to get a satisfactory response.

I suggest that you simply have a plan.

In the event of a serious (ie lifethreatening) illness or accident, you ask the local police to call at his home to inform him.

You could even send an email saying that. "I have had no contact from you re... Therefore I can only assume that you are not interested in having a plan in the event of a serious illness or accident involving one or more or your children. Therefore, I have decided that if such a thing happens, I shall make no attempt to contact you directly but shall contact the police and request that they notify you. You have made it clear that you are not interested and this shall be my last direct communication with you."

You really have to accept that you can't force him to give a shit. In his current state - he doesn't.

You have to focus on your children. Let him do what he wants. Focus on helping your children come to terms with that and you give them the love care and attention they need. Let them know about the man their dad used to be and concentrate on helping them to always understood that that man loved them.

Stop giving this man your focus, time, attention or indeed any head room at all.

You can't change any of this. You can't bring back the person he was/you thought he was. That man is gone.

I'm really sorry. I know you've been through hell with all of this. I can't begin to imagine how painful this has been and still is. But all this contact stuff is just another form of clinging on/trying to bring him back to the family in some way.

It's not going to happen.

Original poster
catfourfeet · 25/05/2013 13:34

Imtoo

Great post

All the right stuff to do.

It's his loss , I get all these years with the dcs , time hd can never get back.

Good point also about the police. Hadn't thought of that. I'd use them if I had to. Easier to back off thinking that if I REALLY needed it the police would help.

OP posts:
RenterNomad · 25/05/2013 13:57

Even if it's not dementia, you can deal with it in the same way: grieve before the person is actually gone. That's hard, and the funeral's hard, too, because of the mourners' mixed feelings about the end. However, if the person is gone, the ties to you which are made of memory... what can you do? Even if he were told every day that "he loved his wife and family", could he feel it, without the memories?

It sounds as though another problem for you is that you don't want to do what he does: that is, walk away. Again, thefact that it's illness which has changed him confuses the picture, so think about the situation differently, and see that it's like a breakup, too. If a relationship is over for one person, it's over for both. You've given him lots of chances, which he's resisting; it's not just SIL's resistance.

Sorry, these are hard things to do, but you don't want to be like him and not take the medicine/treatment which will help you be healthy, for your DCs' sake