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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be struggling with this decision

27 replies

Misty9 · 24/05/2013 21:20

I've been a sahm to 21mo ds since he was born. Partly choice and partly due to finishing my training course just before he arrived and not working since. Struggled for first year but lately started to really enjoy it.

Went for first qualified job interview today - and looks likely I've got it. But it's 6 month temp post and full time. And not really my dream job - but jobs are few and far between in my area in my profession at the moment.

Dh works from home and when I applied for the job the potential plan was he would sahd for the 6 month period. But he's since got a new contract and can't do this for at least 2 months. So we will need some sort of childcare and are thinking about a nanny in our home as best compromise.

I wouldn't be working for the money as dh earns enough to support us. But getting some qualified experience before possibly ttc number two would be good/important for my career prospects in a few years. But it's looking like I could get some voluntary/freelance type work in the near future to 'keep my hand in'.

Excuse essay but didn't want to drip feed! Main dilemma for me is the fact it's full time. I'm just worried it'd be too much for me to go from sahm to full time work - I'd likely not see ds much until weekends and not sure how this would impact our relationship.

I know we're incredibly lucky to be financially well off, and I'm lucky to even be (very likely) offered a job. So why do I feel so torn?

Have others felt like this, done the ft job and it been ok?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 24/05/2013 21:29

It's easier to go into the work knowing your life/house etc don't depend on it (because you're OK for money), that it's only for a couple of months, and you have time to set yourself up (psychologically and practically) before you start to make it as easy on yourself as possible (so you can spend time with your DS at the weekend instead of routine housework), that's not too bad really.

Accept it's going to be a wrench being away from your DS and it'll be difficult to switch off the 'Where's DS and what's he up to' thoughts you have with a toddler, and avoid seeing it an extra guilt trip that you're not with him.

You have what a lot of people would give their right arm for - options.

Take them while they're there Smile

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/05/2013 21:29

"not my dream job" "DH earns enough to support us" "ttc DC number 2"

I personally would go with the volunteer thing.

That's me though and it could depend on your profession....

ivanapoo · 24/05/2013 22:43

See it like this: if you hate it, you can just quit. Simple.

Lots don't have the choice as zigzag says.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 25/05/2013 06:10

Have you asked about reducing your hours, or working compressed hours?

CalicoRose · 25/05/2013 06:32

Take the job. Full time work is fine.

Being unable to work in 5 years time because you didn't take this job wouldn't be.

Being financially dependent on DH when he's no longer there for you wouldn't be.

Cravingdairy · 25/05/2013 07:02

You can work full time and have a wonderful relationship with your children. Millions of parents do it.

lucindapie · 25/05/2013 07:06

what's your dream job misty? Do you think you would enjoy this one or enjoy being with ds more?

Joiningthegang · 25/05/2013 07:11

Ds is so young - do it now when he wont miss you as much (I know you will miss him) , then when your children are older you may have the chance to do it part time

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 25/05/2013 07:18

It's only six months - take the job. By Christmas you'll have left and it'll be here in no time.

AngryGnome · 25/05/2013 07:22

There's no denying that it will be a huge wrench to go from being a SAHM to a full time WOHM. But it sounds as though it is a great opportunity which will give you more options in the future - that's not to be sniffed at because a lot of women really struggle to get back into the workplace after being a SAHM.

I'd go for it - it's only 6 months, and if it comes to the worst you can always leave. But you might enjoy bei g a WOHM more than you think!

Exhaustipated · 25/05/2013 07:36

If it was me I would do the volunteering /freelance for now. Only because I have been in your situation and found the transition from SAHM to very full time WOHM incredibly difficult (and am now SAHM again, but not without a huge amount of heartache for our whole family.) But that's just me, everyone feels differently, you may be fine, you may love it! If you really feel you could leave easily if it doesn't work out then you could just give it a go...

Any chance of a pt job coming up?

Splatt34 · 25/05/2013 07:54

I work full time (I am main earner) & I have a brilliant relationship with DD 2&1/2. I think you make sure you do more quality stuff with the time you do have. It means I wouldn't spend a Saturday on a girls shopping trip for example instead opting to feed the ducks and go to our favourite cafe with DD. TBH it's not a hard choice!!!

I wouldn't be me if I didn't work. I would go mad without it & want to be a strong role model for DD. It can work

Original poster
Misty9 · 25/05/2013 15:31

Thanks for all the responses - keep them coming!

Well, I've heard that I definitely have the job if I want it... And no chance of part time or flexible working (without going through formal channels for it, and little point for such a short period).

To answer some questions:
Dream job? It's not that it isn't my dream job (I spent over 10yrs getting to this point!) but more the setting isn't one I've thought of working in before. Then again, I might love it of course. The other part is, precisely due to the short period, the type of work and opportunities are sort of limited.

Having thought about it, it's not that I don't believe you can have a perfectly great relationship as a ft wohp - obviously you can, as thousands do - but more that it'll be a massive change and wrench for me both of us.. But you're right joining, ds probably wouldn't miss me as much as I him! I'd always planned to go back pt so this is a big difference.

Very few jobs around in my field, let alone pt ones, so I could be waiting a long time.

splatt thank you for sharing your experience - I'm leaning towards taking the job so am now thinking about all the things I can put in place to make it as stress-free as possible! angry, that's the viewpoint I'm starting to take - I really don't know what impact such a long time out of work since qualifying would have on my career..

exhaust - what did you find hardest? Quitting wouldn't really be an option for me as it would look pretty bad on the cv. But it's only 6 months I guess.

Oh I don't know. :(

OP posts:
theodorakisses · 25/05/2013 17:13

Do what your gut tells you to. You are clearly a very good person for agonizing over it and as a recruiter of many years if you said this to me I would either offer part time if I could or offer some work experience that could go on your cv.

Portofino · 25/05/2013 17:21

I went back to work ft when dd was 5 months old. Because I had to basically, but also I liked being back in the swing of things and knowing I had my own money. I have a great relationship with dd - she is 9 now. I think good quality childcare is key though. YOU have to be happy that your child is in a safe, loving environment. Sort that and the rest is manageable. I still got lots and lots of quality time with dd as she was growing up. I don't feel that I missed out on anything.

DontmindifIdo · 25/05/2013 18:18

Personally, i'd go for it and then reassess after 2 months. while your DH earns enough to keep you all, if he is self employed, his income isn't garenteed. What would you do if after this 2 month contract he doesn't get another for a while? It might be better for you to think in terms of building up your career if you can get to the stage of having a steady income rather than relying solely on his.

Would you be able to take this 6 month contract then after that apply for part time positions as you will then have some experience in the field? Is it a very real possibility that once the 6 months are up you d'ont find another contract for another year? Would it be worth it to have some experience on your CV rather than none?

As your DS is 21 months, he'll be getting on to 2.5 by the time this contract is up and possibly starting at pre-school. As your DH works from home, this might be a stage that would be easier for you to manage parttime working between you as DS will be out of the house for part of the day anyway.

megsmouse · 25/05/2013 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoTiredAgain · 25/05/2013 20:42

Six months will fly by. Take it, especially as its giving you experience. It all counts.

Just make sure that you have all your support and systems in place so that you are not stressing about it while at work.

Good luck.

Original poster
Misty9 · 25/05/2013 22:39

dontmind, dh will earn in two months what I would in six...I know, sickening isn't it Envy but it is a good point about a steady income.

I had sort of decided to go for it - but then I started looking into the childcare options. I hadn't realised how expensive nannies are, and also the impact on ds of having such short term full time care from someone he doesn't know. It'd be different if this was a permanent role (I wouldn't be taking it for a start!) and he could at least get to know a nanny/childminder..

I'm now erring on the side of turning the job down; it seems that ft working with little ones involves quite a lot of stress and compromises, both of which I'm not sure are worth it in this case, especially as financially we don't need to.

Again, I realise I'm in a very lucky position for this to even be optional. I'm really not sure the benefits outweigh the downsides for us though.

OP posts:
Portofino · 26/05/2013 01:07

As someone said above, what seems nonsensical now, will not be so after you left it five years.

DontmindifIdo · 26/05/2013 07:49

Another option, if the original plan was for your dh to stay at home for 6 months while you did this contract to get the experience, could he turn down the 2 month contract? As you said he'll take the next 4 months off and will earn the same in those 2 months as you will over the 6, it seems like it would break even for your family, but would mean you get some experience so are more likely to get other part time roles you apply for.

Why did he accept the contract? Is he supporting your career plans or not? Would you really on need you child care for 2 months or is it more likely other contracts will come up and he'll accept those? (and do look at nurseries, if your dh works from home he could do drop off and pick up easily)

Original poster
Misty9 · 26/05/2013 21:50

dontmind, dh accepted the contract because we thought I'd not been successful with the job - it was a late contact on their part. He does support my career plans, although I'm starting to think not at the expense of his own... In an ideal world, we'd both work part time. Interesting pov about the 2mths vs 6mths thing but he's already accepted the contract and got a start date.

I think I've decided that full time is just not going to work, so I'm going to go back to them with a few suggestions re annual leave and part time. Will see what happens...

OP posts:
Original poster
Misty9 · 28/05/2013 22:47

Update: it looks like they'll go with a 4 day week. Waiting to hear, but I'll be surprised if they don't. Now the hard decision of childcare for ds for two of those days Sad

Feel so sad at the thought of leaving him for so many days, but hoping its a normal emotional response given the circumstances.

OP posts:
quesadilla · 28/05/2013 23:08

It's hard but I would bite the bullet and take it. In a worst case scenario where you are miserable and hate it its only six months (in all likelihood it won't be that bad). And if you don't take it and end up not working for 5+ years - assuming you do want to go back to work - you will regret it. I went back to work full time at 9 months (one day a week from home) It's not what I would have chosen but its so bloody hard to get work anywhere now once you get out of the game you are considered not to be in the market anymore. Sad, but that's the way it is.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 29/05/2013 19:14

Fantastic!
And yes, I think it is a totally normal emotional response. I, and pretty much everyone I know, found the anticipation of starting back at work so much worse than the reality.