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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to donate my eggs to a friend

49 replies

whatwasIthinkingof · 22/05/2013 20:30

I am 4 months pregnant with second child. My friend is 42, has had two failed IVF cycles and is looking into egg donation. She keeps dropping strong hints that she is after my eggs, ie 'if only someone I know would donate their eggs'. I haven't said anything but am feeling really uncomfortable especially as I have been feeling really sick and am very anxious about the birth as DD birth was a nightmare so I have got a lot on my mind.

I have supported her a lot so far, - endless emotional phone convos about how she longs for children. It upsets me as she is generally a lovely friend but she is so desperate to have children. I am sorry for her situation but do not feel that donating my eggs would ever be right for me. I have no problem with anyone donating eggs to anyone who can;t have children and do not think it is wrong. But I do feel it is a big decision and a very personal one - not one that I feel able to make.

What should I say to her? it is quite difficult as she never asks me outright if I would do this, she just talks a lot abuot it and drops obvious hints and I feel very guilty to have had a DD and now be pregnant again. I love my kids so much adn would have felt gutted to not have been able to have any so I do feel for her but also feel it is unfair she puts this pressure on me. Any advice?

OP posts:

StuffezLaYoni · 22/05/2013 20:32

She is being unfair. It's a massively personal decision. I think you probably need to explicitly but calmly say you won't be able to help her out if you want to avoid the hint dropping.

EeyoreIsh · 22/05/2013 20:36

Oh dear. What a tricky situation.

Can you drop a big hint about not wanting to donate eggs? I don't think you need feel guilty about it, it's your body.

speaking personally, dh and I have discussed egg donation if my ivf doesn't work. But I could not bear the thought of a friend or family member donating. It would be odd and awkward as the baby would be mine but with a friend's dna.

I hope your friend is successful soon.

Catbert4pm · 22/05/2013 20:36

YANBU at all

UserError · 22/05/2013 20:36

I think you have to take the bull by the horns here and tell her, to be kind. She may be working herself up to ask you properly. If it were me, I'd approach it saying something like this: 'I really hope you do find someone to be an egg donor if that is what you want. You're a good friend but please, I wouldn't want you to get your hopes up that I could be a donor for you. It's not something that is right for me or my family. I know you've not asked me but I feel like you've dropped a lot of hints lately and I really don't want you to waste energy and time hoping I'll be able to do it when you need to be exploring other avenues.'

HollyBerryBush · 22/05/2013 20:36

So don't engage in a conversation, she can't drag you screaming to have them harvested

libertyflip · 22/05/2013 20:37

YANBU but if it was a close friend of mine I think I would owe them a chat just so that she knew it wasn't an option for you.

Maybe she isn't hinting at all though and feels that she can chat to you about it as you are clearly not an option being pregnant and all.

TeenAndTween · 22/05/2013 20:38

I think it would be a big thing to donate eggs to a friend.

The child would be genetically related to you. You would see it growing up. What if you fell out with the friend or disagreed with how she was bringing the child up? Furthermore the process for egg donation is like IVF, with all the drugs and risks to you that entails.

YANBU to not want to do it. Maybe you just need to be really open with the friend and say you would never consider it.

Some clinics support egg sharing, where someone who can't afford IVF donates half their eggs each time, and the recipient covers their costs. Which is at least anonymous (for 18 years).

I can imagine doing this for a family member, but for a friend it is a big (too big) and ask.

olibeansmummy · 22/05/2013 20:39

Don't feel pressured in to it. It's such a personal thing and its so permenant ie. if you did donate your eggs, you'd have to watch your child grow up without you or you'd have to end the friendship. I'd say nothing tbh just keep smiling vaguely.

DontmindifIdo · 22/05/2013 20:39

Next time she says "if only someone I know would donate eggs" you could say something along the lines of "it would take a very special sort of person to do that, I know I couldn't donate my eggs."

Or just be non-commital until she straight out asks you directly if you will. Hinting you can ignore, no matter how obvious.

It is unfair, as she's trying to make you offer - if she would just ask you straight out you could say no.

Do'nt feel guilty about being pregnant again - you have no reason for being. If you were infertile too it wouldn't make her life any happier.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/05/2013 20:39

I could swear that my aunt did this to me. I no longer speak to her for other reasons, but she would say things like "I would love another child, but a ready made one." and ask me if I was going to have any more. She would also say about my DD "I could just take her home with me, would you like that (DD)"

It was so uncomfortable. As I said, we no longer speak, but I just ignored it tbh. If I had said something direct she would have gaslighted me.

Maybe you need to withdraw from this friend a bit. It seems that neither of you are in a position to be supporting each other really.

greenfolder · 22/05/2013 20:40

I would simply next time she raises it say" I really admire those that donate, it wouldn't be right for me. Fwiw I know where you are coming from.

UserError · 22/05/2013 20:41

I've been through the process of egg collection myself (fertility preservation treatment, I had embryos frozen before I had chemotherapy) and it's not to be entered into lightly viewed solely as a medical procedure, never mind all the other issues that TeenAndTween has mentioned. You really do need to talk to your friend. Maybe via e-mail if face to face is too hard?

Sycamor · 22/05/2013 20:41

I have a beautiful daughter as a result of egg donation. We used an anonymous donor and a clinic in the Czech Republic. Maybe you could drop some suggestions in this direction.
There are many reasons for not donating. Too old (over 35yrs), your own family isn't complete, nervous of medical procedure to name a few. However just not wanting to is the only valid reason you need.
I completely understand how you feel pressured but even if her only option is donor eggs they don't have to be your eggs!
Hope it all works out for her and congrats on your own pregnancy.

stiffstink · 22/05/2013 21:04

If you're 4 months pregnant then surely she realises she has a long wait on her hands? She could drop hints for the next five months plus however long you breastfeed is perhaps going to affect your cycle.

That is a long time to cope with her hints. I would have a sensitive word with her. She might not realise what she's been saying but its not really fair on either of you.

Viviennemary · 22/05/2013 21:10

To do something like this you would have to be committed and want to do it. It isn't something I would consider doing for a friend. But I can see why people would for a sister. I haven't got a sister but could see myself considering it for a sister. This is such a personal decision that your friend is being unfair even to be hinting at it. In her case anonymous donor is the way forward unless she has a close relative or other friend who is willing to help.

pigletmania · 22/05/2013 21:10

Yanbu at all, it is a big ask of anyone, t is nt straightforward an you will be genetically related to that child. Some of the suggestions on here are quite good

CruCru · 22/05/2013 21:14

Stiff stink is right. They won't give you the ovarian stimulation drugs until you've stopped breast feeding.

QuintessentialOldDear · 22/05/2013 21:15

I think there are age limits. Think you need to be under 36?

DeWe · 22/05/2013 21:32

I agree with the suggestion of responding in kind next time she says something about it.

She probably hasn't actually been doing more than eyeing you up for them. However, I would think there is a small risk that she explodes at you for being "selfish".
You're not being selfish. Not just you're breastfeeding so you can't, but it is a huge commitment, as well as a health risk. Plus I think doing it where you will see the child growing up with a friend (can understand for sisters) would be very difficult.
But from her point of view, you have your child, and so proven eggs that are okay, and (to her) it could be that saying you won't is denying her what you have been lucky enough to have. I don't think you're selfish, but wanted to prempt the possibilty so you don't feel guilt tripped by her if that happened.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/05/2013 21:38

"She keeps dropping strong hints that she is after my eggs, ie 'if only someone I know would donate their eggs'."
Next time she does this would be a good opportunity to put a stop to it. I would probably go along the lines of -
"Yes, but that's a very big ask. Not only would they have to go through the frankly unpleasant egg-harvesting, but they'd also have to watch someone else raise 'their' child. Kiss of death to a friendship, I would think. I know that I for one would not be up to that, I wouldn't think many people could. Wouldn't anonymous donor be the best way to go?"

Just as if it's a proper conversation . I doubt she has actually thought it through from the donor's point of view. If she's going through IVF, shouldn't the health professionals she is dealing with be able to go through this with her?

MummytoMog · 22/05/2013 21:39

You could go into a pool, so she would get someone else's eggs and you would donate but not specifically to her. But I wouldn't feel comfortable donating my eggs to a friend I don't think.

I've just finished a cycle of egg donation and I feel like total shite right now. Hormonal, bloated, nauseous, constipated to fuck and I'm probably pure hell to be around. So it's not something to be undertaken lightly, although I do feel very proud of my ovaries for playing ball even if the fuckers got a bit overexcited

GrumpyKat · 22/05/2013 21:42

I think it would be kindest to explain that you wouldn't be able to donate your eggs to a friend as you would be unable to keep your distance as she brought the child up. Explain that as you now know the bond with your own children it would be unfair to always be hovering over her shoulder. Simply put, it would ruin your friendship, and you value her too much.
And give her a big hug. Failed IVF is shit.

hhhhhhh · 22/05/2013 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/05/2013 21:48

Yanbu. That is all.

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 22/05/2013 21:55

If you're over 35 it's unlikely you would be allowed to anyway, so if that's the case I would mention it next time she does this and that's an easy out. However, whatever your age you don't have to do anything you don't want.

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