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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to donate my eggs to a friend

49 replies

whatwasIthinkingof · 22/05/2013 20:30

I am 4 months pregnant with second child. My friend is 42, has had two failed IVF cycles and is looking into egg donation. She keeps dropping strong hints that she is after my eggs, ie 'if only someone I know would donate their eggs'. I haven't said anything but am feeling really uncomfortable especially as I have been feeling really sick and am very anxious about the birth as DD birth was a nightmare so I have got a lot on my mind.

I have supported her a lot so far, - endless emotional phone convos about how she longs for children. It upsets me as she is generally a lovely friend but she is so desperate to have children. I am sorry for her situation but do not feel that donating my eggs would ever be right for me. I have no problem with anyone donating eggs to anyone who can;t have children and do not think it is wrong. But I do feel it is a big decision and a very personal one - not one that I feel able to make.

What should I say to her? it is quite difficult as she never asks me outright if I would do this, she just talks a lot abuot it and drops obvious hints and I feel very guilty to have had a DD and now be pregnant again. I love my kids so much adn would have felt gutted to not have been able to have any so I do feel for her but also feel it is unfair she puts this pressure on me. Any advice?

OP posts:

MiniPenguinMaker · 22/05/2013 21:56

YANBU, but I wonder whether she's saying this to you because she feels comfortable talking to you about it - and thinks she's not pressuring you - because you can't donate your eggs because you are pregnant?

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 22/05/2013 22:13

I would ignore the comments until she asks you directly. Your silence will send a message; discussing it somehow makes the idea 'real' and I wouldn't go there.

YANBU for not wanting to do it.

pinkballetflats · 22/05/2013 22:52

YANBU. I was quite happy to donate eggs to a friend of my parents' but didn't think through that since they live next door to them it would be difficult to say the least - fortunately parents' friend could see what a difficult situation that would be and said thank you but it wouldn't be fair.

Maybe she isn't hinting? And why would the eggs have to be from someone she knew? Or is it because she's explored anonymous egg donation and it's too expensive or something?

I'd be completely non-committal and then if she does ask directly just explain that it's not for you. If she's a decent person and friend she will understand, if she doesn't understand - well then, you're better off without her in your life.

ChippingInLovesSpring · 22/05/2013 23:01

I think I would just say something like 'Yes, that would be amazing for you. I can see why people would find it a difficult thing to do though, I know I couldn't watch, what I feel would be MY child, being brought up by someone else and not interfere'.

ShadowStorm · 22/05/2013 23:07

YANBU for not wanting to do this. I would be very very uncomfortable emotionally with the notion of donating my eggs to a friend (although I would probably feel differently if it was my sister). Quite aside from the other issues about maybe being too old, having to undergo unpleasant medical procedures, and not being sure if I've completed my own family.

Although maybe she's sounding out friends because she's been told that anonymous eggs are hard to come by? A colleague of mine and his wife have recently had a few failed IVF attempts, and apparently their consultant has told them that their only option is to get a friend or family member to donate eggs because there's a shortage of anonymous eggs.

JuicyPear · 22/05/2013 23:09

Next time she says "if only someone I know would donate eggs" you could say something along the lines of "it would take a very special sort of person to do that, I know I couldn't donate my eggs."

Brilliant response. Gets right to the point and leaves no room for further discussion. If she pushes you for reasons why you felt you couldn't donate your eggs she is a dick.

I am about to fly to Czech Republic for donor egg IVF so I know how desperate she feels (I am almost 42 and childless). However, I wouldn't dream of dropping hints to a friend for her eggs. Bloody preposterous. Tell her from me to get to the Czech (£5k for the full package and that includes our flights and accommodation for eight nights) where they are already using the miracle embryoscope which has been splashed all over the telly lately - but for a drastically reduced fee of £420.

Cherriesarelovely · 22/05/2013 23:26

Hope it goes well for you Juicypear, on your forthcoming expedition!

Of course you are not BU OP. It is an intensely personal and difficult decision and it is certainly not for everyone. I agree with other posters that it would be better to make some sort of definite comment about it though.

expatinscotland · 22/05/2013 23:46

I agree with the, 'Yes, it's an amazing thing to do. It is certainly not something that would ever be right for me or my family.'

MummytoMog · 23/05/2013 00:07

It's bloody difficult to get anyone to take you seriously when you say you want to donate eggs, which probably doesn't help the anonymous donor situation. I started emailing and phoning in January 2012 and only just managed to donate now. Half the time, I didn't even get a response to my emails/phone calls. No bloody wonder most people can't be bothered to keep hassling. The NHS clinics in particular made me feel like they were doing me a favour by considering taking my eggs.

Good luck In the Czech Republic! New embryoscope sounds amazing :)

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 23/05/2013 00:19

Juicypear the best of luck to you

Mimishimi · 23/05/2013 00:27

That's strange. Maybe you could tell her that you have no plans to finish your family yet ( they recommend that only women who have finished childbearing for their own family donate). How old are you? If you are over 35, the donor programs don't accept eggs from you anyway.

Itsaboatjack · 23/05/2013 00:32

I'm surprised to hear that mummytomog, I donated mine in I think 2008 and didn't have any problems.

OP YANBU, I was happy to do it anonymously, and whilst I knew I could have been contacted eventually I wouldn't have wanted to donate to a friend, I would my sister but not a friend.

How old are you? The age limit would be a handy excuse.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 23/05/2013 00:45

The danger in giving excuses such as being concerned about it being a medical procedure, etc is that she may try to talk you round, and explain your fear away. And then you'd be left shrieking 'but I just don't want to."

You don't need an excuse, unless it's genuine. You just have to not want to do it. I think you can say that in a nice way. 'It's great that other people do it, but I wouldn't want to.' next time she brings it up. Then it's out in the open.

Decoy · 23/05/2013 02:44

I think you just need to say "It's not something I would feel able to do, but I'm right behind you" and leave it at that. It could be quite hurtful to her if you go into all your reasons of why you don't wish to help her in this way.

Keep supporting her, help her to find clinics with short waiting lists or maybe even to advertise for an egg donor. She obviously sees you as a good friend and someone she can be honest with. And hopefully as a good friend she will support you in future if you ever need anything.

mrssprout · 23/05/2013 03:24

A few people seem to have said similar but I agree. Next time she says something just say something along the lines of.....I agree egg donation is a wonderful thing but I know I just couldn't do it. I'm sure someone else put it better than this earlier but you get the general idea.
Don't feel bad for not being able to help her out. It is very sad to see a friend in this position but you won't be doing anyone any favours by agreeing to something you aren't really ok with.....it would all end in tears.

TalkUsernameYoudLike · 23/05/2013 13:39

I'd say exactly what DontmindifIdo said.

MummytoMog · 23/05/2013 15:15

I think since they brought in the 'payment' they've had a lot of requests from people who then drop out swiftly once they hear about the injections/sedation/contactability. The clinic where I donated didn't seem to have any shortage, and treated me wonderfully aside from shoving a probe up my fundament every two days for a fortnight but they were private.

LondonMan · 23/05/2013 15:29

Mention how much more likely IVF is to work with younger eggs, and that clinics abroad are likely to use donors aged 25 of younger.

Iseeall · 23/05/2013 15:44

I would be a little more blunt when she next hints.

I would reply "I hope you're not hinting at me?" short simple and to the point.
She can only answer yes or no, and you will have your answer.

Quite frankly you do not need her causing you stress in your pregnancy, and there has been some good advice on here to pass on to her.

Jessdurberville · 23/05/2013 16:20

Perhaps you are being over-sensitive and you are reading things into her musing out loud that aren't really being said - surely nobody would hint to a pregnant friend that they would like them to donate eggs?

Decoy · 23/05/2013 18:07

"I hope you're not hinting at me?"

That would be rather unkind IMHO. The woman is desperate to have a baby and she might not realise she's coming across as dropping hints, it may not have been intended at all but just as wanting support from her good friend.

CaipirinhasAllRound · 23/05/2013 18:23

She might not be dropping hints, like you say you're pregnant so she knows you can't do it. She might just genuinely be hoping someone will offer, but I wouldn't say that means she necessarily wants it to be you

CaipirinhasAllRound · 23/05/2013 18:25

iseeall a bit harsh!
This woman is just talking to her friend about her desire to have a baby, not deliberately trying to inflict stress!

PicaK · 23/05/2013 18:29

I'm another one who thinks she may not be hinting just musing because she knows you can't be a donor.

Win win would be to say you've looked into it and you can't say for definite if you're finished having kids.

Failed ivf is shite - she must think a great deal of you to be around you whilst you're pregnant.

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