Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not "gagging for it"

36 replies

Sheffbear · 22/05/2013 08:28

My DH has had (yet) another a go at me as he feels we are incompatible in the sex dept. i.e. he wants it all the time, I am happy with the once or twice a week (he claims that this is not "good" sex just doing it but TBH thats about as much I can cope with). He can't understand that as a mum of two (4 & 6), working full time and studying part time with absolutely NO help with any domestic duties ( I cook, clean, do all laundry etc etc etc) that I am absolutely exhausted. I have asked him on numerous occasions to start pulling his weight but if he doesn't get time do his "hobbies" he is unbearable to be with. I have challenged him to fnd someone in my situation who is gagging for it. AIBU?

OP posts:
kotinka · 22/05/2013 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/05/2013 08:33

YANBU.

You say hes unbearable if he doesnt do his hobbies, in what way is he unbearable?

MrsMangoBiscuit · 22/05/2013 08:35

Hell no YANBU. Does he realise that having to mother someone is an absolute turn off? As is being pestered for sex! How are you supposed to see him as attractive when you have to wash his socks and feed him all the time?

If he pulled his weight, you'd have more energy. You would also feel more repected, and respect him more in return. A capable man who looks after his family and pulls his weight is far more attractive than a whinging man-child.

I speak from experience. DH never used to pull his weight, but he's gotten a whole lot better. As his attitude and effort have improved, so has our sex life.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 22/05/2013 08:35

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Tell there's nothing more unattractive than a bloke who whines in bed and is lazy everywhere else. Maybe he'll buck up his ideas then.

ChasingStaplers · 22/05/2013 08:43

So lets get this straight, you:
Look after 2DC, work full time, study part time and do all the domestic stuff and have sex 1-2 times a week (am tired just writing that!)
And he:
(Presumably) works full time, does his hobbies otherwise becomes 'unbearable' and moans constantly that he's not getting enough sex.

I know who I think is unreasonable and it isn't you.
Tell him to quit whining, pull his weight around the house and if he really wants more sex maybe he should try spending quality time with you instead of doing his 'hobbies' (I notice it is 'hobbies' plural, not singular too)

Good luck OP.

GalaxyDefender · 22/05/2013 08:44

YANBU. Your body is yours, and only you get to decide how often is enough sex for you. If your partner can't accept this, he's being a massive knob.

Dawndonna · 22/05/2013 08:45

Why are you married to a man who considers you to be his slave?

pinkyredrose · 22/05/2013 08:49

Tell him that men who pull their weight around the house are sexier .

He's treating you like a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment.

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you. I don't think most women would want to open their legs for a 'man' like that.

What would happen if you went on a housework strike?

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/05/2013 08:53

Hmm my ExH was like this and then when I got carpal tunnel that prevented me from sleeping at night believe me sex was the last thing I wanted.
I cried said I needed help he promised to help, never did and went and had affair instead because he needed sex.

Now he is an ExH life is so much better - oh and I'm not so tired.
I did try the not doing stuff and he just moved clothes from bed to floor and floor to bed never actually putting anything away.

Featherbag · 22/05/2013 08:57

LTB.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 22/05/2013 08:58

Sex 1/2 times a week is totally normAL - wouldn't be surprised if it was more tgdn average with small kids.

It is ragingly obvious to me, and I reckon most non-selfish people that if one person is doing everything, and is consequently knackered they aren't really going to be up for lots of sex.

I'm sorry that your husband is being a twat.

ageofgrandillusion · 22/05/2013 08:59

LTB

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/05/2013 09:17

You know at you are not being unreasonable. Now that you've done a 'sanity check' by running it past other people and they've confirmed it - what next?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 22/05/2013 09:19

Yes, what next? What a tosser (him, obv, not you!)

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 22/05/2013 09:20

PS for a start, stop doing all the work round the house. Spend a bit of time indulging in your hobbies instead. Let him see what happens.

notmyproblem · 22/05/2013 09:24

Reality check OP... how exactly is he bearable when he does his hobbies? Does bearable include not lifting a finger to pull his weight at home, pestering for sex and being a selfish entitled wanker?

I'd hate to see what his being "unbearable" is like. Hmm

Pilgit · 22/05/2013 09:26

it's hard to find someone sexy when there is resentment. he's being a twat. personally i'd withold all sexual activity until he pulled his weight as feeling like an over worked slave is a bigger turn off than imagining a naked john prescott....

JaxTellerIsAllMine · 22/05/2013 09:29

oh come on now OP? Being a fulltime mum, worker, house cleaner, cook and sex slave - whats the problem? Angry

Your 'D' H is an arse and totally unreasonable.

Sex is a 'team' sport - the same as running a house and being a parent - he either steps up to support and help or I'd be having serious words, I wouldnt want to have sex with him either to be honest.

Wishiwasanheiress · 22/05/2013 09:29

Do what I did, wrote a list of my 'duties' /responsibilities that I accomplished in a week and next to it his.

He soon realised why it was at the bottom and nearly off my list. Funnily enough, game is upped now. :)

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 22/05/2013 09:31

I'm not surprised you're not gagging for it! You're running the house, working and studying and you're meant to be up for it every night? What exactly does he contribute? Why are you doing everything? Maybe point out that if he did his fair share you might have more time and energy. He sounds very selfish.

DrSeuss · 22/05/2013 09:33

Does this man have no hands?!

dreamingbohemian · 22/05/2013 09:33

LTB

Tee2072 · 22/05/2013 09:35

I am hoping he's got some good qualities, because so far I see nothing to keep you together.

DrSeuss · 22/05/2013 09:41

He's already a wanker.......

Original poster
Sheffbear · 22/05/2013 09:42

Thanks, know I am not really BU and good to have it confirmed. Have been thinking I am better off without him (since Xmas, he was horrid but thats another story!). I have suggested he leave but he won't & to be honest moneywise/children it would be a disaster. Have tried the not doing things (those are the days I end up not eating tea as I haven't cooked and there is only so long I can cope with mess/dirty things). . I have always been a doormat

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread