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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my MIL to stop carping on about co-sleeping?

43 replies

gail734 · 21/05/2013 17:59

IMHO, if you give someone a piece of advice, and then keep repeating it, you are a NAG. My blessed MIL phoned me this morning, all excited, to ask if I'd "seen the news". I hadn't, so I wondered if I'd missed some major world event. She was on about the new cot death research. DD is ten months old and has been sleeping in beside me since about five months. I didn't do it before then, because I was concerned about safety. I was a bit of a wreck after the birth, on pain-killers, and sleeping quite deeply. So I got up every time to BF. MIL disapproves of co-sleeping and mentions it roughly every other time she speaks to me. She phones every day. AIBU to want her to FO?

OP posts:

Sparklymommy · 21/05/2013 18:05

YANBU to want her to stop preaching about it. However she could just be worried about the safety of her grandchild co sleeping. 10 months is still an age when IMO you could be putting her at risk.

Cloverer · 21/05/2013 18:08

Of course, the OP probably doesn't give a fuck about her child's safety Sparkly.

SugarPasteGreyhound · 21/05/2013 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlepeas · 21/05/2013 18:10

Co-sleeping is safe providing it is planned and the guidelines followed sparkly. There are a lot of holes in that report.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 21/05/2013 18:11

YANBU.
I co-slept with my DD and DS when they were babies. I did this as it is what worked for us, and the only way anyone got any sleep (we tried every method my HV suggested to try to get them to sleep in their cots and nothing worked). So I read up on how to co-sleep as safely as possible.
Every single time I saw my sister she would bombard me with stories or news reports.
It was very distressing to hear all that and it made me a bit paranoid if I am honest.
In the end I told her to shut up, I was aware of the perceived dangers, I had read lots of information, and had come to an informed decision.

Tell her that you have made a decision you are happy with and to kindly keep her opinions to herself.... if you can.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2013 18:11

The new research is mainly about younger children, I believe.

Have you actually said, "MIL's name, this isn't up for debate. I will do what I do. I don't want to talk about it any more" like I did with FIL and his disapproval of my BFing at a year.

sweetsummerlove · 21/05/2013 18:11

I'm pro safe co sleeping. nod your head. smile 'yes I saw' ...change subject obviously. people like that don't want to be educated. .so don't stress xx

sweetsummerlove · 21/05/2013 18:12

I'm pro safe co sleeping. nod your head. smile 'yes I saw' ...change subject obviously. people like that don't want to be educated. .so don't stress xx

sweetsummerlove · 21/05/2013 18:12

sorry..double post by accident. .im not nagging honest!

MortifiedAdams · 21/05/2013 18:13

Yeah, and people still smoke even thoigh it causes cancer and drive over the speed limit and drink to excess. Tell your MIL that until she lives a pure existance one where she complies with every single.bit of advice which lets face it this is advice then sje can fuck the fuck off.

Cluffyflump · 21/05/2013 18:14

YANBU and YABU

I bet she's worried sick and the recent news on co sleeping will have sent her into a spin.
I co slept a bit and you sound like you're being sensible, so I dint think you are wrong to continue to go on as you are at all.
Maybe lie and say that you have spoken to your HV and she/he says that at 10mths there is no real risk.

noblegiraffe · 21/05/2013 18:17

Cot death risk plummets at 6 months, that's why it's ok to put them in their own rooms then.

PoppyWearer · 21/05/2013 18:17

Oh fuck, just realised I'm going to get this from my MIL too....

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 21/05/2013 18:20

Try sticking your fingers in your ears and go 'La! La! La!'

Loudly!!

maddening · 21/05/2013 18:22

The research out today only indicates under 3 mths as a questionable period for cosleeping.

Jinsei · 21/05/2013 18:23

Direct her to the fact that Japan has one of the lowest incidences of SIDS in the world, and co-sleeping is the norm there.

Goldmandra · 21/05/2013 18:26

Have you sat her down, listened to what she has to say, acknowledged her point of view and then explained and asked her to accept yours?

Once you've done that you can ask her to stop raising the subject "....because I feel it is affecting my relationship with you and this is the last thing we want, isn't it?" Big, wide eyed, innocent smile.

eagerbeagle · 21/05/2013 18:28

Or you could point her to UNICEF's analysis of how duff today's report was

Lilyangel · 21/05/2013 18:29

The research released today is not "new".....they have just looked at 5 historical studies (1987-1998) and re-analysed the data.....

INeedSomeSun · 21/05/2013 18:32

Why is it so ingrained in the Western culture that you have to keep your baby away from you?

Most Eastern countries co-sleep. I am British Asian and most of my family & friends who are Asian co-sleep. It is normal for us.

However, we would not sleep with the baby in the middle, it will be just the mother & baby.

When you are watching a nature programme, have you ever seen a tigress or an elephant or any other creature, put their infant away from them to sleep. All animals keep their infants close to them and we are still animals!

I co-slept and felt perfectly safe to do so. I am a very light-sleeper though, and do not roll about etc. Use your own common sense and do what you feel is right.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2013 18:36

Meta-analysis sort of counts as 'new' research. Frequently, they look at the data in new ways, using new statistical analysis that yields new results. It's not new data but what it yields is certainly new.

Jinsei my very limited knowledge of Japanese co-sleeping based on a study of one friend is that it is far more like a hybrid of same room and co-sleeping. Since people are on mats in a communal room, there is none of the issues with soft mattresses and hot bedding. Babies are not in between two adults on a soft mattress as they might be in the West.

JackieTheFart · 21/05/2013 18:39

YANBU.

I co-slept with DS3 until he was about 14 months. My mother never shut up about it.

I just decided to keep telling her, 'it works for us'. Didn't stop the comments, but did stop the conversation about it!

claraschu · 21/05/2013 18:45

People are prejudiced about co-sleeping. I have a suspicion that it comes from neurotic ideas about sex. All mammals co-sleep with their babies except uptight Europeans and Americans.

Tell your mother in law why you do it; tell her you understand she doesn't approve; tell her that there were probably things she did that you wouldn't approve of. Or you can just nod and smile and ignore her, if that works better for your relationship.

Sorry she's being annoying.

Jinsei · 21/05/2013 18:48

MrsTerry, I don't think the Japanese way is that different from how I co-slept tbh - I lived there for years and have lots of friends who co-slept with their children, so I am familiar with how it works. Japanese futons aren't much different from a firm mattress and they use just as much bedding as we usually do. Most of my Japanese friends shared the same futon as their babies too, so I don't think it's the same as just sleeping in the same room. I do agree that they don't usually have the baby in between two adults, but then, my DH moved into the spare room when dd was little and I know quite a lot of other families who did the same.

I don't think it's co-sleeping that is the problem. As someone said up thread, what other animals push away their babies I'm that way?! However, it is important to do it safely, and I worry that the safety advice often gets lost in the angst that people seem to have about co-sleeping in general.

Original poster

gail734 · 21/05/2013 19:38

I've been smiling and nodding for over a year - I'm going to have to say something. Basically, if something's different from the way she did it, it's wrong. Actually, she's not really fixated on safety - she's more a member of the "rod for your own back" gang. Keeps droning on about a relative who still has a ten year old in bad with her! Both she and SIL have approached the subject of CC, too. Well they can jog on ... I will seriously nip that one in the bud. Why do people think that it's acceptable to comment on the parenting techniques of others? It's working - I sometimes have to remind myself that I'm doing a good job! I have a happy, healthy DD who (only very recently, so shhh...) sleeps through the night! Think I'm going to mess with that?

OP posts:

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