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to feel threatened by her?

77 replies

waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 16:27

Bit of a tough one. I've had a somewhat unsteady relationship with a man I'm mad about. It's been going on for 7-8 months and has been difficult as he has some mental health issues but things have been getting much better.

Last week he introduced me to one of his girl mates who he is very close to. We were at this event and the girl and I ended up alone in the bar - it turns out we were able to connect really deeply, and I really really liked her. She said that when he had told her he wanted to introduce her to me, she had expected to feel jealous, but having spoken to me she couldn't find it in her to feel anything negagtive towards me. The way things turned out we were having such a good time the two of us that we embarked on a pretty magical evening of swapping confidences, and we ditched my man and his other mates for a good 4 hours.

Sounds pretty perfect - except at one point she told me that she and my man had kissed ''once or twice'' before, but nothing else ever happened. It did send a pang through my heart...later on she said she'd had this intense dream about him the other night.

Arggh I don't know, I feel paranoid about it because I really got on with her amazingly well and I'm pretty sure if he was worried/had anything to hide he wouldn't have been cool with me wandering off with her for hours. At the same time though...she's a musician like him, I saw some scars on her wrists and she appears to be some sort of ''tortured soul''. It makes me feel insecure like I'm not interesting enough I suppose...sorry, I really just needed to get this out!

OP posts:

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 21/05/2013 16:30

This all sounds very childish and intensive.Self harm is not interesting just harmful. Sounds like yiure expected to have pretty deep relationships with his friends from the start. Which js nice but ...


ll31 · 21/05/2013 16:33

If seven months in,its been difficult and you're suspicious if his relationship with her,walk away,how is this going to improve?


ll31 · 21/05/2013 16:33

Of his rel'ship that is


CalamityJ · 21/05/2013 17:05

Men and women can be friends without an agenda. If they haven't got together yet what makes you think they will after you've been in a relationship with him for 7-8 months? Chill out and focus on making things get even better Smile


JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 17:07


sounds a bit too intense for me.

self-harm isn't evidence of being interesting.


JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 17:08

....but if being tortured does turn out to be interesting for your DP (no evidence for that, but it's what you are worried about), then maybe he isn't the man for you


JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 17:09

Oh Gawd

I didn't mean being tortured (verb) I meant being tortured (adjective)


thebody · 21/05/2013 17:10

It's sounds like you are writing a novel.

'Magical evening, deep connection, Tourtered soul' Etc.

All sounds a bit intensive and a tad childish to be honest but if you like a drama it sounds satisfying.


JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 17:13

I'd be interested in why your relationship is unsteady


StealthOfficialCrispTester · 21/05/2013 17:13

thank you thebody. It does sound like a teen novel. Twilight has a lot to answer for.


StealthOfficialCrispTester · 21/05/2013 17:15

I mean if you've had an "intense dream" about your friend's OH, the normal way to handle it is to avoid him wherever possible and feel really awkward. Not tell her about it in a heady evening of swopping confidences, surely?


LemonPeculiarJones · 21/05/2013 17:17

It may be that she targeted you and was deliberately seductive (to you, in a friendship/deep connection way) in order to cross boundaries and be involved in his relationship.

Because if she's in your head, too, then she is all over the relationship - they have history, she wants to tell you he's still in her dreams, you feel a 'connection' to her, you're now threatened - it's all a bit incestuous.

It reminds me of some of the dramas of late teenage/early twenties.

Fun, intense, kind of novelistic and romantic, tortured souls and deep's amazing fun but not to be trusted. Purely for experience.


JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 17:19


Yes. I think that's a good theory


waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:23

Lemon, that thought had occured to me alright...because although I really liked her and got on with her, if the roles were reversed I would never have shared the dream thing (which by the way was pretty blatant to interpret, making me question how true it was) and I also wouldn't have shared the having kissed once or twice thing. I might after a few months of friendship, if a friendship were to develop, but not on a first meeting...

OP posts:

waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:24

And by the way I'm a bit surprised by all the ''this is too intense/twilight/etc'' stuff. Sorry it isn't just about a guy and a girl sharing an ice cream in the park, I was just trying to explain as best as I could.

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 17:29


Forgive me if this sounds patronising, but I think those comments (mine included) stem from memories of a time (I'm middle aged) when this kind of intensity was very exciting. When I look back I think that things that seemed exciting were a bit to much like hard work. People that seemed deep and artistic and interesting were often a bit unhappy and messed up, and didn't make me feel happy or secure.


LemonPeculiarJones · 21/05/2013 17:33

Don't be daft OP. You explained it very well.

Intense artistic people and relationships are really seductive. I don't think anyone means to be dismissive. I certainly didn't - I've been there Grin

But as I say I've had my fair share of that kind of drama, and it does all amount to experience rather than anything lasting or truly 'deep' in my opinion.

The alternative isn't boring/all sweetness and light.

And btw you shouldn't be feeling dull in comparison to these tortured souls. It's a way of being that is not the same as being an engaged, vital, interesting, exciting person. It can overlap, sure, but it isn't the only way to be interesting.


OHforDUCKScake · 21/05/2013 17:34

Never, ever share anything with her again apart from pleasantries, she cannot be trusted. She wants to be involved in every way, and she is so far succeeding.

Sounds like it'll all end in tears.


scarletforya · 21/05/2013 17:35

She schmoozed you OP. You're being manipulated. He's probably hoping for a threesome. Sorry to be blunt but that's what I see here.


WorraLiberty · 21/05/2013 17:35

She sounds a bit stalkerish in a way

And it was a dead give away when she said she expected to feel jealous

Why would she feel that if she's just a friend?


StealthOfficialCrispTester · 21/05/2013 17:36

Well to be fair you seemed to imply self harm was interesting. seems a little immature to me


waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:36

seriously DUCK you think its that bad?! I have to say thanks so far to Jamie and Lemon, at the back of my mind I have had those thoughts...

OP posts:

OHforDUCKScake · 21/05/2013 17:40

She told you about the dream and the kisses for a reason. Any innocent person wouldnt dream about telling a friends gf that they are meeting for the very first time.

She charmed you. And for good reason. You told her private things.

How much of your relationship with him did you discuss?


waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:41

:-/ I think I may have told her too much...

OP posts:

OHforDUCKScake · 21/05/2013 17:41

Good point Worra. I have best friends who are male, it wouldnt even enter my brain to be jealous of a new relationship.

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