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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel threatened by her?

77 replies

waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 16:27

Bit of a tough one. I've had a somewhat unsteady relationship with a man I'm mad about. It's been going on for 7-8 months and has been difficult as he has some mental health issues but things have been getting much better.

Last week he introduced me to one of his girl mates who he is very close to. We were at this event and the girl and I ended up alone in the bar - it turns out we were able to connect really deeply, and I really really liked her. She said that when he had told her he wanted to introduce her to me, she had expected to feel jealous, but having spoken to me she couldn't find it in her to feel anything negagtive towards me. The way things turned out we were having such a good time the two of us that we embarked on a pretty magical evening of swapping confidences, and we ditched my man and his other mates for a good 4 hours.

Sounds pretty perfect - except at one point she told me that she and my man had kissed ''once or twice'' before, but nothing else ever happened. It did send a pang through my heart...later on she said she'd had this intense dream about him the other night.

Arggh I don't know, I feel paranoid about it because I really got on with her amazingly well and I'm pretty sure if he was worried/had anything to hide he wouldn't have been cool with me wandering off with her for hours. At the same time though...she's a musician like him, I saw some scars on her wrists and she appears to be some sort of ''tortured soul''. It makes me feel insecure like I'm not interesting enough I suppose...sorry, I really just needed to get this out!

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 21/05/2013 17:42

Oh dear Wadds, how much? A lot about your relationship with him?

Original poster
waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:42

I'm supposed to be seeing him this evening, and she will possibly also be there...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/05/2013 17:43

I'm not normally this suspicious but I'm wondering if she's a friend with benefits?

Maybe that's why she seems to be checking out possible competition, to see how serious it is?

SgtTJCalhoun · 21/05/2013 17:43

My smiley and chatty and confide about NOTHING.

Original poster
waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:45

Hehe, ''wadds'' :-). I suppose actually I didn't say anything too useful to her. The most borderline thing I said was when I said something along the lines of...''...but things are quite a bit up in the air, nothing is ever certain, and especially with everything he's dealing with, plus there's the thing of me maybe wanting to move away at some point...''. But the stuff he's dealing with she knows about, and plus he also knows I might want to move somewhere new at some point, so there's nothing there really that can be 'used against' me.

OP posts:
Original poster
waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:46

Worra the thing is that I'm not sure he would have wanted to introduce us if it was a friends with benefits thing...

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/05/2013 17:48

But after 7-8 months, how could he keep getting away with not introducing you?

He could have told her to keep it zipped about whatever relationship they might have?

Original poster
waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 17:49

Because (sorry, big part missing from original OP) she doesnt live here anymore. She lives in a faraway city and has done for the past year. So she was only back for a visit - he could have not bothered at all.

OP posts:
OHforDUCKScake · 21/05/2013 17:51

Good that you didnt discuss your relationship with her, i bet thats what she wanted the most.

Im not really sure what the best thing to do is. I mean, it seems extreme to run to the hills. But Id hate to feel like I was having a 3 person relationship.

OHforDUCKScake · 21/05/2013 17:51

Oh thats good then!

ENormaSnob · 21/05/2013 17:57

She sounds a big single white female to me.

I wouldn't trust her at all.

SauceForTheGander · 21/05/2013 18:02

There was something unsettling you enough that made you post for advice on here. Listen to that little inner voice more.

And without wanting to sound too ancient, try not to get too hammered when you meet them. Aloof, friendly and in control.

From hard experience, the less drama there is about a fella the better boyfriend he makes. Perhaps have some confidence that this sexy musician with his "issues" and very close friend might not be so ideal afterall ?? Just something to think about, not an instruction as he sounds just the type I'd have gone for ..... !

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 18:04

Not to get all psychological on your ass, but I wonder if this is as much about your DP as it is about her

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 18:05

"From hard experience, the less drama there is about a fella the better boyfriend he makes"

Exactly

Original poster
waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 18:12

''Not to get all psychological on your ass, but I wonder if this is as much about your DP as it is about her'' what do you mean Jamie?

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 21/05/2013 18:13

I mean the insecurity

Original poster
waddlecakes · 21/05/2013 18:17

Ah....yes, most probably!

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 21/05/2013 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoodyDidIt · 21/05/2013 18:22

It reminds me of some of the dramas of late teenage/early twenties. Fun, intense, kind of novelistic and romantic, tortured souls and deep connections.....it's amazing fun but not to be trusted. Purely for experience.

exactly what i thought.... how old are you all?

HoneyandRum · 21/05/2013 18:41

OP my point of view - you can take whatever you want from it - is that it is ALWAYS a Red Flag when someone who you HAVE JUST MET overshares with you in this way. Forget your relationship for a mo, as other posters have already mentioned this women is already overstepping many, many boundaries with you. It appears you are letting her because you are charmed and thrilled to be taken into her confidence. Surely this must make you special, you had such a deep connection etc. etc etc.

Well I will probably get flamed for this; but her behavior is classic for someone with a Personality Disorder (look up what that means if you need to). Her cutting is also clear evidence that she is psychologically vulnerable. I would say run, don't walk way from any more intimacy with her, because almost guaranteed it's going to get very messy and if possible she will throw you under the bus as soon as possible.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 21/05/2013 18:46

This girl sounds dodgy. Charming, intense, and no sense of boundaries... I smell a personality disorder.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 21/05/2013 18:50

Or, what Honeysaid!

Borderline Personality springs to my utterly untrained mind. Big on drama, and prone to violent behaviour / dramatics if not getting what they want. Could explain the wrists.

musickeepsmesane · 21/05/2013 18:53

I have a very close male friend and if he introduced me to his girlfriend I would be very happy for him. It is not normal for friends to feel jealous of new partners. Yes, suss them out, hope they are nice, hope it is a great relationship.

She sounds needy and weird. Manipulative is bang on.

JackieTheFart · 21/05/2013 18:57

Sounds to me like now he is off limits, she wantshim. Wouldn't be the first time!

Ultimately, I guess it all hinges on how much you trust your bloke.

alexa0304 · 21/05/2013 19:00

I would stay friendly if and when you see her again - don't fuel her craziness by being off - but as others have said, don't give anything away. I don't just mean personal secrets, I mean emotionally, don't get caught up in the charm again.

I think offering a medical diagnosis is taking it a bit far, to be honest it sounded to me as though you'd both had an E!

I used to like blokes like that - they are nothing but trouble. Ah, hindsight.

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