To not talk to someone because they're a cheat

[LittleLisa78]

At DDs dance practice I usually sit with a dad and chat, he's really nice and always spoke about his wife and family. Yesterday I saw him and he started crying - last week his wife slept with someone at their daughters birthday party, at their house. He said he's not allowed to take her to dancing anymore and that his wife will be. I've chatted to her once or twice before but have no wish to now. AIBU to be polite and say hello if she does but otherwise ignore her?

This place fucking amazes me sometimes. Men are all lying bastards. playing people like a fiddle. fuck's sakes.

Newsflash. Women can be abusive cunts too. Men can be victims of abuse too.

I don't believe for a minute that this would get the same reaction if it was a woman broke down and cried like this.

Read the relationships threads. this place is mostly women, of those most are straight women. Unsurprisingly most of the problems they have with relationships are with men. But how about the other threads. Abusive sisters, manipulative mothers, controlling mils.

These women are not just sisters, mothers and mils. They are also partners to men. It's hardly inconceivable that they are also abusive to their male partners.

Well I am certainly no prude, oh believe me, but before I talk about cheating. I will say this there is a time and a place for sex and it is certainly not at her own daughters party.
I personally couldn't care less who cheats on who (none of my business) and nor is it for me to pass judgement either.
I cheated because I was in a sexless relationship (for 2 months) I felt totally undesired and unattractive so I went out and slept with someone else. I felt no guilt at all, well had he satisfied my needs I would not have gone looking elsewhere.
I wouldn't let this be so important to you. It hasn't effected or changed your life has it. xx

For him to be telling people that his wife slept with someone at their daughter's bday party- that's also spreading dirt about his daughter's mum.

My gran always said you never know what goes on in a marriage. How is it going to make it easier for a little girl at dance group if people are shunning her mother for being a harlot?
Although I have some sympathy seeing how arse achingly boring most kids parties are

YABU... I'd be very suspicious of this man's motives. Sobbing and laying bare grisly marital problems whilst waiting for dance-class (?) is pretty bizarre stuff.

No wonder people think MNers hate men.

I don't understand why you have to take any stance on this at all. Yes, she could be vile, abusuve, controlling etc, just as he could be. Maybe there is no abusive behaviour at all and they just don't love each other anymore. Maybe he has a history of cheating you know nothing about. Maybe it's not even true. Cheating is grim, but ultimately it's only between the people involved and all you can do as a friend is lend a supportive listening ear where you can, and not judge when you only know one side of the story.

I doubt she will give a shiny shite whether you talk to her or not.

Fwiw, I don't think it's odd he spoke to her about it. If he is genuinely distraught by what has happened I can imagine he could easily breakdown to a friend about it. He doesn't necessarily have a hidden agenda.

She's not a friend though, she's just a randomer.

"I don't believe for a minute that this would get the same reaction if it was a woman broke down and cried like this."

The reason I am telling the OP to be cautious is because I have been in that precise situation: where a woman's story was taken for the ultimate truth and I knew for a fact that it was only one side of the story.

I don't doubt for a moment that the man may be telling the truth. Or telling an untruth. Or telling a truth that is only one side of the story. She can't know. We can't know. If anybody told me this story I would comfort them and sympathise, but I would not necessarily blank the other person.

She's not a randomer, they sit and chat together every week - I have friends like this that i have net through ds. They are not bosom buddies, but I don't think it would be that odd for someone to break down in front if someone they know if something extremely upsetting has happened.

I just think that thus 'man shows emotion therefore must be trying to get into your pants' assumption is a bit odd. As barbarianmum said its not unusual for people under huge emotionsl stress to break down and share intimate confidences with complete strangers, never mind people they chat to regularly.

Of course, he could be a lying bastard who is just trying to slag off his wife/get into her pants - but the point is she doesn't know, does she? That's why I said it would be completely unreasonable for her to take sides.

Absolutely agree AngryGnome, either way it is no one elses business unless asked for their opinion or they are really close friends/family but even then most people are cautious about saying too much without having a full story.

Just because someone cheats (male or female) does not necessarily make them a really bad person, sleeping with someone whilst your OH is in your house at your DDs party would of course but again the circumstances are still unknown.

I am not sure why it makes a difference to you to decide whether you talk to this mum or not, if you don't like her don't speak to her as from what you describe she sounds unpleasant regardless of the cheating but don't get involved in their mess.

Are there really people in this world who will ignore others purely on the basis on what they've been told that individual has done with her own fanjo?!

What business is it of yours what that woman does with her own life, her own body? How does it affect you? Who are you to judge? As someone else said upthread if that's how you want to live you're going to severely limit your social and professional circle. "I won't talk to you about John's maths exam Miss Brown, you had an affair". "You can't treat the boil on my bum nurse, you cheated on your partner".

And that's only the ones you know about! Get your questionnaire out, there may be more!

Or are you just going to pick and choose whose life you're going to judge according to how useful they are to you?

Unbelievable!

I would not be speaking to either of my parents, myself or my DH (not cheated on me btw). None of us are truly awful people but have been in various situations that are no one elses business.

We all do things we are not proud of or regret, both men and women, I think it may surprise all of us if we knew what all our colleagues, friends, family have done in the past.

No one says you have to be friends with this woman but keep an open mind with regards to what you've been told.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago when an old friend told me of his partners affair long story short it was a pack of lies so was just about everything else he's ever told me. Yes it may have happened but it may also be a lie, you don't know for sure.

Tuts at OP - in MumsNetLand men are always the bastards, you should know that ;)

More seriously, you don't know what the truth is yet, at least wait until you've heard the other side.

How odd.

No reason for people to assume he's lying, just because he's a man. Ridiculous double standards!

However, you're weirdly over involved in this. You chat at a dance class. You're over-invested. Leave it alone.

She won't give a shiny shite if some woman stops making idle chit chat with her.

He completely over-shared. No need for it. And inappropriate since you don't really know him!

You are totally unreasonable and extremely unkind.

A child is having her world turned upside down, (regardless of where fault may or may not be laid)

and you intend to add to that misery by blanking one of her parents, in order to satisfy some sort righteous indignation within yourself,

So when this child who's life is being destroyed by adults, a relentless stressful situation beyond her control, goes along to something that fills her with joy, she will be met with a woman who previously has been friendly and kind towards her whole family, wearing a cat bum mouth and judgy pants wedged so far up her arse her eyes are watering.

Your reaction towards this child's mother will hurt the mother, who will then have to deal with your reaction, so it will affect her DD, so you are just adding more stress and pain into a situation which have more than enough without you using it for some sort of personal therapy to boost your sense of self worth.

and by adding your layer of punishment on top of a delicate situation, you are also hurting this man, as he no doubt will need to salvage what he can of family relationships in order to be able to have as much of a parent role.

in such a fragile situation, you along with others like you, might add the straw that breaks this camel's back, at best this woman might decide she can't face your's other immature reaction and take her daughter out of the class, so her daughter doesn't get hurt by other adults(she had enough of that) , or think fuck it ,fresh start and move, thus depriving the dad and DD of regular contact.

If you real gave a monkeys, you would do your best to be really genuinely kind and nice to both parents, and make everyone as comfortable as possible.

Rather than a drama lama for catbum mouth kicks.

Don't forget your child in this you are meant to be a role model, you need to think out your actions, bit more deep thinking a little less bitter knee jerking reactions, as they will be replicated by her, and you are not setting a good example.

There are no winners with your plan, in future when you come up with a plan, make sure everyone's a winner, or it a shit plan, just so you know, clearly no one ever mentioned it to you before, and thinking is clearly not your strong point.

You absolutely have to talk to her. How else can we find out who she slept with, whether it's still going on, whether she was ever truly in live with husband and what the heck the dance class drop off has to do with it.

theres always two sides to a story.

@ imaginethat

Blimey. I always find organising kids' parties quite full on and stressful. I think I'd have been a bit more relaxed about them if I'd realised you can go and shag someone while they're in progress!

What imaginethat says.

@ HibiscusIsland

and on a more serious note, quoteunquote is spot on with her comments about the impact your petty and ill-informed attitude will have on the child involved in this.