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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not talk to someone because they're a cheat

77 replies

LittleLisa78 · 19/05/2013 11:46

At DDs dance practice I usually sit with a dad and chat, he's really nice and always spoke about his wife and family. Yesterday I saw him and he started crying - last week his wife slept with someone at their daughters birthday party, at their house. He said he's not allowed to take her to dancing anymore and that his wife will be. I've chatted to her once or twice before but have no wish to now. AIBU to be polite and say hello if she does but otherwise ignore her?

OP posts:

NoelHeadbands · 19/05/2013 12:18

Perhaps take a bag of tiny pebbles with you. And stone her when she's not looking

Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2013 12:19

If you think that you can tell what is going on inside a marriage from how the couple are in public, then you have a lot to learn.

You also need to not be judging and ignoring someone based on rumours, even if it comes from the other partner, it says a lot about this man,if he is bad mouthing his wife to the parents of his DD's friends.

I would womder if he wants a sympathy shag, at the very least he seems to have an agenda, it is very strange behaviour.
Every abusive man that i have known has used this tactic, to isolate their partner, mud sticks.

HollyBerryBush · 19/05/2013 12:21

This place is a lunatic asylum this morning.

I don't suppose the wife will care whether a judgmental pranny talks to her or not.

digerd · 19/05/2013 12:23

What he said is very strange to me too - mainly that his wife slept with another man at their DD's birthday party, presumably he was in the house too with other children and relatives?
And why did he let his wife punish him then?

You've always found him a nice person but not her as she treats him badly. But I would need the facts before believing this story to be true.

YANBU to feel as you do.

PodgyTumWellies · 19/05/2013 12:24

Noel that made me laugh. :)

PodgyTumWellies · 19/05/2013 12:25

yes, I think the whole thing is very dodgy. OP, I would be interested to know how you feel now... have you had other thoughts about it?

cory · 19/05/2013 12:26

I have found it extremely uncomfortable over the last couple of years to see other friends act coldly towards my friend's ex when I know details which I am not at liberty to divulge but which put a totally different slant on the whole story. It's been another lesson in not judging.

scaevola · 19/05/2013 12:28

If you disapprove of someone's conduct, then yes YANBU to want to dissociate from them (as long as you remain polite if thrown together).

But as others have said, you don't have the full picture here.

OTOH, if this marriage is imploding and you don't know either side terribly well, standing clear might be the best course anyhow.

CloudsAndTrees · 19/05/2013 12:33

If you don't want to talk to her then don't. You aren't obliged to.

LessMissAbs · 19/05/2013 13:31

I'd be more suspicious of him tbh. Hes the one who's chatting up other women and telling stories about his wife's personal life. Are you sure he's not a PU artist?

TheBigJessie · 19/05/2013 13:34

I'd start wondering whether this was a controlling arsehole trying to control his wife's social life...

MrsMelons · 19/05/2013 13:41

I don't think it sounds that bizarre that she could have done that whilst other people were also in the house - some people never fail to amaze me!

My parents have just been on holiday, on a small resort and there was a wedding party of about 30 people, they were thrown off the resort as the bride was caught in her hotel room with the best man, all sorts of fights occured after so they were all thrown out.

I don't think you actually know the story so shouldn't base whether you speak to her or not on that but at the end of the day it is up to you. Not sure why you have come on AIBU as when people have suggested its not right to not speak to her and you have replied that its up to you.

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens · 19/05/2013 13:45

If you knew it to be true then YWNBU to blank her, but you really have no idea whether his bizarre story is true, so you should stay neutral.

crashdoll · 19/05/2013 13:59

Only on MN could a weird thread like this end up with a comment about how a man might be controlling. It's definitley an overused word on MN.

Booyhoo · 19/05/2013 14:03

i think you're being played like a fiddle OP.

but even if she is a cheat. are you saying you dont talk to cheats? because that would leave your world very quiet TBH. there are lots of people who have cheated at some point in their lives. some you wont ever know about. how do you plan to enforce this policy? also, what if this man and his wife work through it and stay together? will you then talk to her again or continue to blank her?

TheBigJessie · 19/05/2013 14:04

Okay, scratch "controlling" if you don't like it. How about this?

It's very reminiscent of poisonous gossip from either friends who have fallen out, and are trying to get everyone else on their own side in a private disagreement, or the participants in a nasty break-up who are trying to get everyone else on their own side in some private issues.

I think the OP should steer well clear of involvement.

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/05/2013 14:08

Regardless of the ins and outs of the story and whether it is the whole truth. As someone who was cheated on I have tried very hard to not make sides for people to choose as the person who would suffer from that would be my DD.
I would continue to be polite and chat superficially as you have been as your DC maybe come friends who knows. I would never want a potential friendship for my DD to be damaged by what her Daddy did.
Whatever happened the children are not to blame.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 19/05/2013 14:15

According to a varied bunch of my less charming ex boyfriends I have been: pregnant and using them to get a baby (although I was neither), a money grabber (despite them having no job and me working), a lesbian, having a mental breakdown, an alcoholic, on drugs, sleeping with their dad/brother/friend, a workaholic and other assortments of bad in bed/frigid/a nymphomanic/have weird sexual fantasies.

I would really take what an ex says about someone with a huge pinch of salt if I were you op, they tend to be the least reliable people to get information from.

That said, I don't think the woman will give a shiny shit if you talk to her or not, with her marriage breaking up and all I don't think you will even be on her radar of things to bother about at all.

headinhands · 19/05/2013 14:21

I could appreciate why you might feel like you don't want to be chatty with her if this man was your brother or someone you cared deeply for but even then you'd realise that not talking to her would achieve nothing whatsoever. I mean, what do you think the effect of you talking/not talking to her will have? If what her dh says is the truth a, it has nowt to do with you, b, she's unlikely to be overcome with remorse and save her marriage just because a relative stranger doesn't say hello and c, it has nowt to do with you. Honestly, there will be people you integrate acting with daily who have done all sorts of things you would object to. Are you going to start handing over questionnaires for people to fill in before conversing with them?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/05/2013 15:36

Say he is abusive and horrible in private but charming outside the home, as many abusers are. She might be both cold to him and find it hard to talk about. He would slag her off to all and sundry because that can be something abusers do.

Be VERY careful judging the outside of someone's marriage. If you had used your logic on my first marriage you would have been supporting the wrong team.

Buzzardbird · 19/05/2013 15:52

Soooo....he told you at a lesson he is not allowed to take his dd to that he is not allowed to be there?
How was he there then?

KurriKurri · 19/05/2013 16:29

The thing is, your not talking policy will have no effect on her because to her you are just a stranger who is not talking to her - that happens all the time to people (strangers not talking).
The reason you don't want to talk to her is because you disapprove of her reported behaviour, and you want to let her know that by not talking.

But for her to get the message you are going to have to talk to her for a bit, then stop talking and tell her 'I've stopped talking to you because you are a harlot not my cup of tea'.
But by then you'll have already talked to her and broken your 'not talking to her' rule.

It's an absolute minefield of social niceties.

I'd go with Noel's stoning suggestion.

CrapBag · 19/05/2013 16:30

I stopped talking to a friend before because she cheated on her DP but it was my DH and her DP that were friends and we were more because they were type of thing. I had no issue with cutting her out.

This is different though and you aren't actually friends with this woman. Just be civil and keep it at that.

Original poster

LittleLisa78 · 20/05/2013 00:51

Can't believe how everything on here is always turned around to be the man's fault! He is one of the only nice genuine men I've ever met that talked of his wife and family and didn't secretly bemoan her or try and flirt with me. He's recently become disabled and had to give up work, she's recently lost weight and had more attention - she snapped at him at dancing before when he couldn't bend to pass her something that a real man could - then tried to turn it into a joke when she realised I had heard. No I don't fancy him, and I realise she probably doesn't give a monkeys about my opinion, but I'd gladly share it with her if she asked

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 20/05/2013 01:52

oh so it's a poor menz always get the blame thread why didn't you say that in your first post

don't talk to her I doubt she will notice or care why would she

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