Children's birthday party, wibu to leave out this girl?

[mimmum]

Just a quick one really arranging my dd's birthday party. She gets on pretty well with the Gris in her class, except or one. This girl seems to be v popular and gets on well with the other girls except for my dd who she seems to really dislike. My dd has described that this girl passes her in the classroom or corridor se always gives her a pinch or a shove. Recently sh told my dd that she was disgusting. Dd wants to invite all the girl but her, while I understand why, I'm really struggling with this as I hate excluding young children, they are 7 years old, but would I be wrong to insist dd invites her?

[FJL203]

"Children are not miniature adults. I don't buy the spurious comparison of a 7-year-old child and a grown man.
If the OP's DD doesn't want to invite this child, fine. But there are ways to handle this without the intentional exclusion of one child. It's just not right for adults to treat a little girl this way."

Children need to learn about cause and effect. Children need to learn not to pinch or abuse people and that if you do you'll be very unwelcome. Children need to learn that in the big wide real world that's what you get if you act like an ass. Parents need to learn that they do no-one any favours by imposing an aggressive child upon their own, especially within their own home, the one place they should feel secure.

IMHO.

[pigletmania]

I agree with FJL the grl is old enough to realise hat when she is mean to op dd she won't get a arty invite. Better learn now. Back in the day kids just invited who they wanted without all these social norms. I was usually te one without te arty invite when the Chidren were handing tem out (sn, quirky kid), I don believe I was affected by it, more so te physical and verbal bullying affected me. I still think about it years back.

[diddl]

When I was a kid, most (all?) parties that I remember were in houses not venues, so an all class party was never thought of tbh.

Was probably limited to how many could fit around the dining table & how many the parents could bother to cater for!!

[DoJo]

I would tell your dd that she has the choice to either invite the girl, or leave out four or five others as well. Otherwise you are basically telling your dd that it's ok to do an unkind thing, and that makes it ok for unkind things to be done to her too.
But if this firl is invited despite being unkind to the OPs daughter, then isn't it teaching her that it's ok to do an unkind thing as you will be invited to parties and treated like a friend anyway? There are so many posts from adults on these boards about friends who treat them appallingly, and I am always surprised that people manage to have 'friends' when they are so rude, unappreciative and self-centred in their treatment of them. Surely excluding a child from a party because they have been unkind to the host is a fairly low-grade way of showing her that people will only want to spend time with you if you are nice to them.
Not being invited to a party is hardly an act of cruelty (unless the OP suspects that her daughter might in fact be the bully in this situation which only she can really judge), and from the responses here it seems that there are far more adults who remember being treated badly by a classmate and that not being taken seriously than there are adults who still remember not being invited to a party at primary school (unless that was a part of the bullying, which I have already mentioned above).

[DoJo]

Darnit - not firl, but girl.

[mimmum]

Ok so thanks for all your feedback, I've made up my mind that I will not invite this girl. I think when I was growing up my mum always worried more about other people than my feelings. I think I could be in danger of repeating this pattern. I'll try to be discrete but it's my dds birthday and for that day she's the important one.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

I also think that asking her to choose other people not to invite in order for the bully to not be the only one not going is incredibly unfair.. Why should she miss out in order to protect bully girls feelings. It forces her into an awful choice of either inviting someone who's mean to her just so her other friends get to come. Or having only half her friends come.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Good on you op, hope your dd has a lovely birthday

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

X posts hope your dd enjoys her party x

[Floggingmolly]

Party "etiquette" doesn't apply in the case of a bullying child. It wouldn't occur to me to soften the blow by not inviting other children either

I wouldn't invite her; but I'd also follow up the bullying with the school.

[diddl]

Good for you, OP.

"Otherwise you are basically telling your dd that it's ok to do an unkind thing, and that makes it ok for unkind things to be done to her too."

No, I think it's telling the little girl that she can have who she wants at her party.

And she doesn't have to invite someone who doesn't like her, or appease said someone by not inviting others who she would like to.

[Nanny0gg]

I'd want to find out why the little girl is horrible before excluding her. If she gets on with everyone else, there may be an easy to deal with reason why she doesn't like your DD. They may never be friends, but they need to learn to be civil.

And it will make a very pointed situation if she isn't invited. I understand the arguments against, but I think I would like my child to realise she doesn't have to like everyone, but she can be the bigger person.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

We are about to have DS(4)'s birthday party. For various reasons we aren't inviting the whole class, but 13/31. We gave DS a class list and told him to pick the 13 he wanted. There are one or two children he omitted that I would not want to be responsible for for ten minutes, let alone two hours, so it worked out well.

That said, we did a bit at his inviting a child he often claims has pushed him or called him unkind names.

"But mummy, he is always on his best behaviour at parties." Weirdly, DS is right.

OP I'm glad you feel more secure in your decision now. Things change, and they may be best friends in six months, but I agree that what matters now is how DD feels now, and she is afraid of this girl. Acknowledging her feelings by not forcing her to invite the girl is sensitive I think.

[chansondumatin]

Good call, OP. Why would you want to risk having your child upset at her own birthday party by inviting this bully? Your DD would spend the whole time feeling scared and intimidated on her special day - awful.

[pigletmania]

You are entirely right op good on you. You are not doing an unkind thing, this girl is being mean to your dd so as a consequence she is not invited and te others are. She sounds a bit of a queen bee

[seeker]

[Nanny0gg]

She sounds a bit of a queen bee

She's seven.

There are kinder ways of nipping Queen Bee behaviour in the bud.

And keeping a close eye on them at a party is a good start.

[pigletmania]

Why seeker, because op does not want to invite a grl who bullies her dd and wants to invite her friends. Why should she leave a couple of friends out to save this girs feelings, it's not a big group of girls. The grl is Evan and nasty to op dd, as a consequence sh does not get invited to her party.

[chinam]

"I think that excluding a child because they aren't close friends ( but aren't enemies either ) or because they have sn or the dietary requirements are deemed a pain is bloody mean,

Excluding a child because they are bullying the birthday girl? Well why should the birthday girl have a party ruined by having to worry about being bullied at her own party. How's that fair?

She's at school with this child every day and gets bullied, let her have one fun day without the worry. Not only will it ruin the party but the poor girl had to watch while get friends all go and play with the bully."

This post from Where's my caffeine drip says exactly what I think - so I'm stealing it. Hope your DD enjoys her day.

[pigletmania]

Nanny why should the op dd invite a girl who is nasty and bullying to her party. She has every right not to, and to enjoy her soecialdaywthout it being marred by te girl who is nasty to her. When will it be mre acceptable, when teir 9, 10 15! She has to learn that actions have consequences. You bully op dd you are not invited to her party

[pigletmania]

This girl is not being invited because she has sn or is different but because she is a bully. 7 year old children can be downright nasty, I know I was bullied by them at primary school, one even peed in me . I was different and had sn

[pigletmania]

Meant peed on me, that was te most humiliating thing which I remember 28 year later

[Nanny0gg]

Has the 'bully' ever really been called on her behaviour? She's denied it, so do we know it's true? Have the other children seen it? The ones the 'bully' gets on with?
I know even 7 year-olds can be horrible, but to single one out, fairly publically, without a warning - 'Improve your behaviour, or you won't get invited to parties' - is harsh, imo. And it won't improve relations. They have got to be together for the next four years at least. Why not extend an olive branch? If it doesn't work, then Plan B can go into place.

If the 'bully's' mother was to post about the party exclusion I bet she'd get a different response.

[pigletmania]

I just wouldn't its te ops dd special day and it should be about her feeling good ad not worrying that someone who is mean to her is there