Children's birthday party, wibu to leave out this girl?

[mimmum]

Just a quick one really arranging my dd's birthday party. She gets on pretty well with the Gris in her class, except or one. This girl seems to be v popular and gets on well with the other girls except for my dd who she seems to really dislike. My dd has described that this girl passes her in the classroom or corridor se always gives her a pinch or a shove. Recently sh told my dd that she was disgusting. Dd wants to invite all the girl but her, while I understand why, I'm really struggling with this as I hate excluding young children, they are 7 years old, but would I be wrong to insist dd invites her?

[mimmum]

Well I did go and speak to the teacher when she called my dd disgusting, as dd was heartbroken. I hadn't before then as it was so low level iykwim, and I wanted dd to try and deal with. When I told the teacher she said she was surprised as this girl is so lovely and gets in with everyone! But she would look into it. When I asked later, the teacher told me that she had asked the girl and although she had denied, she had guilt written all over her! She was made to apologise to dd and say she would never do this again. Teacher has told dd she must tell her immediately if there is any further nastiness. I'll keep an eye on too, but I don't see them ever being friends whatever I do.

[seeker]

Half or all. Sorry.

[flanbase]

Why invite this bully into your child's home? She's not a friend of you dd so there is no need to give her a party invite. Say that you are only inviting the number of friends dd wants to invite

[diddl]

Half or all-says who??

I'm strange me-I used to ask my children who they wanted at their parties & then those children were invited.

[FJL203]

"But it's not about the bully it's about the impact excluding her would have on the OP's DD.
The issue is that the bullying has been going on not the party."

Then deal with the bloody bullying in the school or, if they can't or won't, remove the child, rottentomatoes, don't tacitly condone the behaviour and give the child the wrong signals by inviting the bully to share your hospitality!

[pumpkinsweetie]

I agree with diddl, your dd should get to choose who comes and who doesn't.

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

You know what, it took me into my 30s to realise that actually I didn't have to invite 'that person' to everything. I'd suggest not letting your daughter go to that stage. The girl will be fine - you say everyone else likes her, hence she'll have plenty of parties to go to, if she wants to go to the party of the one person in her class she dislikes then she should question why. If it genuinely bothers her for better reasons than losing the chance to be nasty to your daughter for an extra day then maybe that'll encourage her to alter her behaviour so she doesn't go from being 'that child' to 'that arsehole' on reaching adulthood.

[Pagwatch]

I would never exclude just one child. It's too pointed and it just opens the door to gossip, discussion and simple unwanted scrutiny.

I would just cut the numbers then no one need speculate and it ceases to be an issues. It's pragmatic and kinder to everyone. Including your DD.

[scaevola]

I suppose the question here is whether the school situation will improve when the girl finds out she's been left out. I doubt it.

So either you invite her. Or you don't invite so many from the class so she's not in a unique position.

And you make sure you stay in dialogue with the school about the issues there. Remember, these friendship issues can change rapidly. On the assumption that your aim is to ease it, not exacerbate it, I'd go for the smaller party so your DD doesn't have to have the current problem girl here but also doesn't make things worse.

[WorraLiberty]

The teacher didn't handle that well at all. Telling a parent that a child denied something but had guilt written all over them...and then making that child apologise for something they say they haven't done, is unprofessional.

The situation needs to be looked at properly as there are two sides to every story...and with children it's often 6 of one and 1/2 dozen of the other.

[diddl]

So somebody who OPs child would like ask, shouldn't be asked to appease the girl who bullies OPs daughter?

[Kewcumber]

I wouldn't invite her but I would make the party smaller and not invite a few more. ASsuming roughly half the class (say 15) are girls, inviting 14 and leaving one out is asking for trouble and is also rather mean even if the girl isn't nice to your DD - she's 7 not 17.

Invite 8 of her closest freinds and spend more money per head instead.

[LimeLeaffLizard]

Party invite etiquette rules here are as follows:
All the class
OR
All the boys
OR
All the girls
OR
Less than half.
I would never exclude one girl no matter what.

^^^ This also applies where I live.

A Y2 girl at our school was the only one not invited to a party. When my DC started it was explained to me why those parents still refuse to speak to each other, YEARS later.

[Kewcumber]

I should add that we have had similar problems in our class - and so I have faced similar birthday issues - 18 boys - DS knows limit on birthday parties is 10 now.

Whyever this girl is mean, its a horrible thing to exclude one 7 year old from the rest of her peer group.

[mimmum]

The trouble with having a smaller party is, that there are not many girls in the class so it's already a small party and as dd has had birthday invites from all the other girls except the girl in question, she didn't have a party, she wants to reciprocate, and need a minimum number to do the activity she wants, I'm v torn, don't like excluding, but don't want dd to think she has to be nice to people who are nasty to her and don't want the situation to get worse either.

[WorraLiberty]

I think it's far better to try again with the teacher to get to the bottom of what's been going on.

Then if it transpires that it really is all this girl's fault and not 2 kids winding each other up, it's totally fair enough not to invite her.

But until then, I'd be cautious of believing just one side of a story. I'm not saying the OP's child is lying, but that 7yr olds often can't see that they've been just as much to blame in some situations.

[StealthOfficialCrispTester]

If they were 11 or 12 then fine, she's a bully. BUt at 7 she surely deserves a chance. I agree with inviting her - kill her with kindness :)
A violent ex would presumably be an adult who should know better.

[Pagwatch]

I genuinely doubt that the OPs daughter will be absoloutely desperate to invite every single other girl and that condensing the party a bit will destroy her party happiness.

Like I said its just kinder and more pragmatic and avoids the potential fall out for creating what would be interpreted by some as a deliberate and hurtful snub. If, as the op says, this girl is nice as pie to everyone else then it may well just make the op and her DD seem unpleasant to the casual observer.

[kc77]

This girl should definitely not be invited, otherwise you are just teaching your daughter that she is a doormat to be walked all over.

[diddl]

She's 7-she should know not to pinch, shove or call someone "disgusting".

[Pagwatch]

X-posted. Are there no boys or girls she knows in a different context that could go ?

[MariefromStMoritz]

I always used to invite all the children or all the boys/all the girls including the girl who was bullying my DD. Years later, my DD is still suffering the effects of that bullying. I wish with all my heart that I could go back and invite all the children in the class except this nasty girl.

Don't invite her.

[WorraLiberty]

But the OP has said..."This girl seems to be v popular and gets on well with the other girls".

And..."When I told the teacher she said she was surprised as this girl is so lovely and gets in with everyone!"

So does no-one else think it's worth digging a little deeper and hearing both sides of the story? If the teacher had spoken to both of the girls, she might have been able to sort it out.

Instead she chose to force the girl into an apology because she 'looked guilty'. That's hardly going to improve matters is it?

[Kewcumber]

Yes I can see your problem but excluding her isn;t going to help and presumably at a party you can watch her like a hawk. I would also second (or third) trying to get to the bottom of the problem.

[LimeLeaffLizard]

I'll be watching AIBU for a thread in 3 days party titled:

'AIBU to think this mother is a bitch for inviting every girl apart from my DD?'

and going on to describe how her lovely DD is bullied.

And everyone agreeing with her POV!

There are two sides to every story.