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AIBU?

AIBU re. Childcare

29 replies

MulberryJane · 16/05/2013 09:15

When I return to work my LO (PFB, I'll admit this!) was going to be looked after between my mum and MIL, then SIL said she wanted to help out too by sharing MIL's days which was fine by me. Now SIL has announced that her and her DH are trying for a baby, but she is still planning on looking after our LO. It's a bit complicated as MIL and SIL job share, when one is not there then the other needs to be.

With this in mind I have found a lovely childminder who can do MIL/SIL's days, I don't want to land my LO on them with the newborn and everything that comes with it. However, they insist they can look after LO, DH is insisting too. In my opinion it's not possible.

I know that SIL isn't pregnant yet, but I worry that I'll let LO's place at the childminder go and then a few months down the line SIL gets pregnant and then realises its not possible to look after my LO too. I'll then be stuck with having to 'make do' with an option I find at short notice. I want my LO to be happy and secure during the day, I just want to do what's best for him. DH says that leaving him with a childminder over family is not what's best.

AIBU to insist on the childminder? I think it's been my preferred choice all along and that SIL's plans have given me an excuse. Or should I see how it goes with SIL/MIL at the risk of having to start looking for alternative childcare in a few months, or is it possible that they will actually manage and I'm being unfair? I also think I'm worried that my LO will be pushed out once the new baby arrives as they will be busy taking care of him/her, a toddler might be a nuisance. We're also planning on another baby fairly soon, I know they won't be able to manage 2 of mine whereas the childminder will take on another.

I don't want to offend them but I don't think they are being realistic, AIBU?

OP posts:

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Tee2072 · 16/05/2013 09:17

Insist on the CM.

katiecubs · 16/05/2013 09:20

If your MIL was going to do it alone anyway why do you think they won't manage? Also it is perfectly possible to look after a toddler while pregnant - what do you think most people with more than 1 child do? Therefor you have at least a year before it even becomes an issue and then your MIL can take over.

That said its your choice so if you would prefer a child minder just do that.

Potteresque97 · 16/05/2013 10:54

I wonder if there's more to it. On the face of it I can't see why you think mil/sil will let you down at short notice. Unless there is a history of that, or you are looking for a reason to reduce their input (which of course is perfectly valid).

Potteresque97 · 16/05/2013 10:59

I re read, I can see you are worried about the mil/sil care in general. Why don't you instead say you'd rather have their help for evenings/weekends/when lo is sick on an informal basis, and build a rlnsp with cm, as it will mean more flexible help overall. mention the possibility of a second baby, so they can see its just sensible. Ideally, you need both types of care, help you pay for and informal family help for when the paid help can't be used (sickness, holidays etc).

MammaTJ · 16/05/2013 11:00

I take it you won't ever be having a second then, if you think that because one person gets pregnant, two people will not be able to take care of your child.

Like you admit, you are using this as an excuse.

MarianForrester · 16/05/2013 11:09

I would definitely get the childminder.

I, and another friend separately, have been let down by people who were confident before they had a baby that they would be able to watch others too, but changed minds- fair enough, and perfectly reasonable, but a bugger if you are the parent needing care.

I am sure there will be plenty opportunities for MIL /SIL to look after your dc. In my view though, long term official childcare is far better organised at arms length to avoid difficulties and upset.

MarianForrester · 16/05/2013 11:09

I would definitely get the childminder.

I, and another friend separately, have been let down by people who were confident before they had a baby that they would be able to watch others too, but changed minds- fair enough, and perfectly reasonable, but a bugger if you are the parent needing care.

I am sure there will be plenty opportunities for MIL /SIL to look after your dc. In my view though, long term official childcare is far better organised at arms length to avoid difficulties and upset.

MarianForrester · 16/05/2013 11:10

Oops, sorry for double post

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 16/05/2013 11:12

Its not two people it is mil or sil
Sounds like yiur choice to use a cm is being overruled. The only people who shojld get a say is you and dh. Talk to him

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 16/05/2013 11:13

Lots of cms are term tkme only so you could ask family to help with holkday care

WipsGlitter · 16/05/2013 11:18

I would hate my SIL looking after my baby. Use a childminder.

NotYoMomma · 16/05/2013 11:33

Think you are being a bit daft tbh

There is no baby yet, and no problem yet. If it doesn't work out fine get a cm, but you are anticipating issues just because they are in laws IMO and causing annoyance

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 16/05/2013 11:35

But op bas a childminder that she is happy with now. And theyre worth their weight in gold.

redskyatnight · 16/05/2013 12:27

I think you need to separate

Are you happy with your MIL/SIL looking after your DC?
Would you be happy with just MIL looking after your DC if SIL pulls out of the arrangement?

From
You?re genuinely concerned what might happen if SIL gets pregnant?

Because if it?s either of the 1st two reason you should perhaps consider why you feel that way and if you have genuine grounds to do so.

If it?s the latter reason, then bear in mind your lovely childminder might also fall pregnant/decide they don?t want to childmind any more/you might find they are not as lovely as you think once your child is actually going there. And equally SIL might take a very long time to fall pregnant. I wouldn?t change my arrangements because of this ? too many ?what ifs?.

TigerSwallowTail · 16/05/2013 12:31

I don't think you could keep your mum as childcare one day a week but insist on a child minder for the other day as you think that between your mil and SIL they won't be able to cope. It would be seen as unfair and would build up resentment. Either have a cm for both days or family for both days.

StealthOfficialCrispTester · 16/05/2013 12:33

It's not MIL and SIL together

TigerSwallowTail · 16/05/2013 12:39

Then change between your mil and SIL they won't be able to cope to between your mil and SIL sharing the days between them they won't be able to cope

EldritchCleavage · 16/05/2013 13:08

Ignore coping/not coping. The CM is your preferred choice anyway, so go with that.
It is very nice f them to offer, but you don't have to agree just because they are family. And just having a CM sounds like a more stable and straightforward arrangement.

cakebar · 16/05/2013 13:09

Are you thinking of using the cm instead of your mum and mil/sil or just to replace mil/sil? If you use your mum and the cm and turn down mil/sil then you will look like a cow unless there is more to this than a possibility that your SIL might get pregnant (!).

Wishiwasanheiress · 16/05/2013 13:10

Personally I would keep family for emergency care. You need consistent care which either a nursery /cm will undoubtedly provide better.

Family comes with lots of baggage.

Januarymadness · 16/05/2013 13:16

you do realise it takes 9 months to have a baby even once you get pregnant. You are fussing too soon.

starfishmummy · 16/05/2013 13:29

I think if you were really happy about mil and or sil looking after the child you wouldn't be worrying about them having problems in the future.

But if you use a childminder on "their" days and send your child to your own dm as planned then there will probably be trouble!

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OTTMummA · 16/05/2013 13:50

Yanbu, although I would probably keep MIL's days as normal/ maybe cut down a small amount if you have to.
You don't know how sil will be when pregnant, she my be very I'll and really not up to looking after a toddler towards the end which is understandable, however you have to do what you thinks best long term.

If you have found a cm you like then grab her and don't let go!

Ask DH if he will be then one staying home to look after your child when his sister becomes to ill or tired to keep on with it?

JeggingsJive · 16/05/2013 13:55

Agree it is pretty obvious you are using this as an excuse.

That said, if you're not happy, get the CM.

Do you pay MIL/SIL?

Thurlow · 16/05/2013 14:01

Personally I would always go with paid, professional childcare for the majority of the care because it seems easier to have a professional relationship and to talk about any issues. So I would go with the CM.

However, I think you are slightly making a mountain out of a molehill as your SIL isn't pg yet and might not be for a long time.

Also, it's going to look like you are happy for your mum to look after your child, but not your MIL and SIL. I don't think that's going to go down well at all.

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