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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss my old life no matter how much I adore my new baby?

49 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 17:05

I hope it goes without saying that I absolutely adore DD (10w) and that she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and that I can't quite believe how lucky I am.

But today I went round to our old house where we lived before she was born (we are selling it) and was totally overcome with a wave of sadness about my old life in that house, and my old life before her. All our furniture and stuff is still there and it just felt like another life that I will never have back again. I have been feeling this for a while but going to the house made it very clear.

I sat in the car afterwards and cried which I do know is pathetic, Blush as I am so lucky to have DD and the whole reason I wanted a baby is because I knew there was more to life than the things I did before!!

DH and I waited years and years before even trying as we were very happy with our lives as they were; so I always knew I would miss aspects of it when we had a baby but even I didn't realise how much.

That said I did not also realise just how much I would love DD, so I really knew nothing!! Blush

Part of the problem with waiting so long to do this is that we were very settled and content with each other and I really 'miss' DH now as we never get to talk anymore; life is a whirl of nappies and milk and all the stuff that comes with a new baby.

I miss the old me too and I miss my work... I miss not always having someone else to be responsible for, incredible a privilege though it is to have her.

I had a lot of problems in my 20s and it took a long time for me to build a life that I was happy with which is why I appreciated it so much; I just miss it, that's all.

AIBU or has anyone else felt this way? If so does it fade with time?

Stupidly however we are being offered an evening of babysitting from the grandparents so I COULD go out and have a meal with DH and chat a little bit like the old days but I can't (aka won't) leave DD!!! Which is just ridiculous. Please tell me that gets better???! Will I ever feel it is OK to leave her at any point in the next 18 years...??

OP posts:
halcyondays · 15/05/2013 17:11

yanbu at all. yes, you will find it easier to leave her as time goes on.

feetheart · 15/05/2013 17:18

It all sounds perfectly normal to me :)
A new baby is a HUGE, HUGE change in your life and it will take a while to get used to, especially as you are probably shattered as well.

I can really empathsize about the house too - we rented out my old flat once I had had my DD and moved in with DP and even now, over 10 years later, I still sometimes get a wrench when I am there, sorting it out for new tenants. I remember my carefree life (and seem to forget the rubbish times that happened too Hmm) and I still love the spacious, Victorian architecture that a 1960's semi just can't quite match.

Be good to yourself - love your baby and your new life but let yourself look back at the old life too, its all part of you and who you are.

Take care :)

ICBINEG · 15/05/2013 17:26

YANBU.

TattyBoomBoom · 15/05/2013 17:55

Ten weeks is such early days, you will find time/space to talk about stuff other than nappies! Yanbu anyway.

Saski · 15/05/2013 17:56

YANBU & there will come a time that you no longer mourn your old life, because it's just so far away. But I think most everyone feels this way, I missed my old life with literally the same searing pain as missing a former love.

Bowlersarm · 15/05/2013 17:59

YANBU

But then it becomes a way of life, normality, and you wouldn't want it any other way.

Do take up any offers of help though so you can have time away from your baby to spend solely with your DH. Very important, IMO.

shewhowines · 15/05/2013 18:03

It is natural to miss the good parts of your old life, no matter how good the new one is. It is all new and very hard work in the early days. It will get better and easier. Take up the offers of a babysitter. It will be hard the first time but will be worth it.

Much as I love my kids, i also love time away from them to recharge batteries and rediscover "me'.

Make sure you don't have the beginnings of PND though. Talk to your health visitor if you need to get some perspective.

WillSingForCake · 15/05/2013 18:26

All very normal. It's almost like a grieving process for your old life, but things will get easier and better with the baby, and your old life will become a distant memory (in a good way!).

missuswife · 15/05/2013 18:36

YANBU. My dd is 12 weeks and I feel exactly as you do, though I love her very much.

TattyDevine · 15/05/2013 18:39

Yeah its normal.

I didn't have a house change thing (did that before having child) but I remember sitting here thinking "oh ffs what have I done"?

We used to have such easy lives, doing stuff in London after work, being dirty stopouts, playing golf all day (him) and doing whatever I wanted (me), having afternoon naps on a Sunday...the only thing that ruined them were pesky neighbourhood children playing out in the street.

Now those pesky children are ours.

And we are glad. Because they are not in the house.

Lol.

It will gradually become so normal. Then they will grow up and move out and you will rejoice marvel at how quiet it is and how quickly it went...

HandMini · 15/05/2013 18:42

YANBU. You are being totally normal.

There will never again in your life be such a life changing event as your first child. It's a huge huge hurdle which everyone just has to jump in the space of about 12 hours.

But it DOES get easier, and like you, at 12 weeks I COULD not have left DD1. Now, I work full time, have had two weekends away without the babies and have already left DD2 (now 15 weeks) overnight with grandparents once.

It is ok to grieve for a the period of your life when you were carefree and child free - it will never come back but the things you used to do: cinema, going out to dinner, weekends away will all come back, just in slightly different ways and I promise you that your life will be enriched beyond measure day after day with your DD.

Foxred10 · 15/05/2013 18:50

You are definitely NBU at all. I remember feeling exactly the same and yes IME it gets a lot easier really quickly. Missing elements of your old life doesn't diminish your love for your daughter one but - and not wanting to leave her at 10w old is totally normal too! DS1 was 5 months old before I was willing to leave him in the evening with my mum and dad and I missed him the whole time I was gone! I remember starting to feel like 'me' again at about 6-7 months with DS1 and 6-7 weeks with DS2! Wink Enjoy your beautiful baby and don't worry x

DMCWelshCakes · 15/05/2013 18:56

I sobbed & sobbed after I had DiddyDragon because I wanted my old life back.

She came after 2 devastating MCs and a house move to a house big enough for a family. She was totally, totally planned. And I STILL wailed my ass off for hours.

YANBU, just normal.

meglet · 15/05/2013 18:56

YANBU. My eldest is 6yrs and I still get peeved I can't pop to the gym / supermarket when I need to.

BinksToEnlightenment · 15/05/2013 18:58

It is normal to feel like this. You will get your old-ish life back. It won't be exactly the same, but it will get much more like it.

Sosmum · 15/05/2013 19:05

Same as all....YANBU!

I have ds 6 months along with dd and 2 dsc. Love them all to bits but...............I want a day off!!! I want to have a shower without a grumpy baby, I want to get dressed and chose my clothes on my own (without singing, talking and making silly faces to entertain ds) also to wear the outfit I have chosen ALL day as will not be splatted with sick, food or dribble.

And when you are ready take the grandparents up on the offer of babysitting (but only when you are ready) it's nice to be an adult and dd also needs happy parents.

And enjoy having a baby as it really does fly by.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 20:32

Thank you!!!
I feel guilty saying it because I do love her so much!!
Glad it is more normal than i thought...

OP posts:
brainonastick · 15/05/2013 20:34

Blimey, it took me about 3 years to come round to the idea that perhaps my life had changed out of all recognition. 10 weeks is nothing, go easy on yourself!

VIX1980 · 15/05/2013 20:52

As everyone else has said it is completely normal, your baby is really young at the moment but in time you will get yourself into a new routine, with yourself and your baby and you will start taking up peoples offers of babysitting as much as it kills you to imagine it now but you will when your ready. I swore nobody other than myself, partner or mum would watch my pfb, up until 6 months hardly anybody had him and all i did was run myself ragged and drive myself insane watching baby tv!!

Now 10 months on and i laugh at myself then but realise time has gone so, so quickly and i didnt listen to everyone when they told me that as i was stuck in a daily drudge of bottles, nappies, washing etc.

Go easy on yourself, enjoy the next few months as your baby is about to start doing so much, yep it will never be you and your partner alone again but you will get your life back in a new much more fulfilling and exciting way1

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 15/05/2013 20:55

YADNBU!!!

My DD is now 3 years old and sometimes I STILL think about my old life.

I love my daughter so much but at times she's hard work. I think about how my life was so much easier in my pre-child days. How I was able to ring my friends and arrange to go out and leave the house within minutes, just grab my keys and handbag and slip on a pair of shoes. Staying out till late, weekends away, long haul holidays. Nowadays, it takes me at least half an hour minimum to get out the door. I hear myself nagging my daughter to brush her teeth, brush her hair, put on coat and shoes and 'do u need a last minute wee wee' before we go out, discussions/negotiations about which toy or teddy to take out with us.

At some point in the future, you'll want some me time and will gladly pass ur DC onto the parents/in laws for an overnight stay. At 10 weeks, it's still very early days. It was at least a year before I was truly happy about leaving my DD overnight.

Enjoy your time with your DD, time really does fly by. It's true. Before you know it, she'll be starting pre-school.

froginthepond · 15/05/2013 21:08

Gosh i could have witten the post myself! I had a very difficult 20's and teens and turned 30 with a huge sigh of relief. Ds is now 3.7 and no matter how much i love him and how much life has changed and amazing it is now i still miss my old life, weird is it?! I dont miss it all the time just every now and again i wonder what it would be like to be in my early 20's and experiencing the rollercoaster that was life. I think cause of the life i had pre dh and ds i will never get over it i just deal with it and have to focus on the future and all my acheviments i have had. I learnt through counselling that its okay to feel like this and to remind myself that i am making new memories Smile

Fairylea · 15/05/2013 21:14

So normal.

I felt that way after having dd.

Then she got to about 8 and I felt I was able to get some of the old me back.

But I missed having a baby!

So I had ds .....! It's gone full circle!

Don't worry. It's all very normal. And will get better.

miaowmix · 15/05/2013 21:14

don't feel guilty - yanbu at all! So much pressure on new mothers when reality it can be hard, or even dull as ditchwater Smile

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 21:43

Thanks again everyone who has posted.
I am v v glad to hear I am not some weirdo for not wanting to leave her for a few hours...
DH is pressuring me for us to leave her with his mum as he knows how desperate I am for a bite out and a glass of wine in the real world rather than half a bottle necked in the kitchen after she is in bed and doesn't really understand when I say I just can't do it.
I would love to and before I had her I thought I would be out for a night after six weeks... But I just feel paralysed at the thought.
Am glad it is normal ish as I have always suffered from growing up with a pathologically over-protective and enmeshed mother and would rather die than inflict that on DD... But at 10w old it sounds in the range of normal!! :)

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 15/05/2013 21:49

I still haven't made peace with it. The loss of my old life was like a bereavement to me. I love DS madly, but I think of my old life every day. God I miss it.