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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to miss my old life no matter how much I adore my new baby?

49 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 17:05

I hope it goes without saying that I absolutely adore DD (10w) and that she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and that I can't quite believe how lucky I am.

But today I went round to our old house where we lived before she was born (we are selling it) and was totally overcome with a wave of sadness about my old life in that house, and my old life before her. All our furniture and stuff is still there and it just felt like another life that I will never have back again. I have been feeling this for a while but going to the house made it very clear.

I sat in the car afterwards and cried which I do know is pathetic, Blush as I am so lucky to have DD and the whole reason I wanted a baby is because I knew there was more to life than the things I did before!!

DH and I waited years and years before even trying as we were very happy with our lives as they were; so I always knew I would miss aspects of it when we had a baby but even I didn't realise how much.

That said I did not also realise just how much I would love DD, so I really knew nothing!! Blush

Part of the problem with waiting so long to do this is that we were very settled and content with each other and I really 'miss' DH now as we never get to talk anymore; life is a whirl of nappies and milk and all the stuff that comes with a new baby.

I miss the old me too and I miss my work... I miss not always having someone else to be responsible for, incredible a privilege though it is to have her.

I had a lot of problems in my 20s and it took a long time for me to build a life that I was happy with which is why I appreciated it so much; I just miss it, that's all.

AIBU or has anyone else felt this way? If so does it fade with time?

Stupidly however we are being offered an evening of babysitting from the grandparents so I COULD go out and have a meal with DH and chat a little bit like the old days but I can't (aka won't) leave DD!!! Which is just ridiculous. Please tell me that gets better???! Will I ever feel it is OK to leave her at any point in the next 18 years...??

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 21:51

Oh dear MorrisZap... I fear you could be me in a few years time... How old is your DS can I ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 21:56

Thing is I knew I wanted more from life than 'just' being answerable to myself... And I know I was right to want that. Life was wonderful but it has to move on and things had become very samey.

But thinking about it right now and only remembering the good stuff makes me feel physically homesick the way I used to when I was v little and away from home.

I don't ever want DD to feel I was happier before her.

But right now in a horrible way I would have to say I was :( I would never be able to admit it to anyone in RL though.

OP posts:
DewDr0p · 15/05/2013 22:00

OP this is so totally normal, I promise you.

Radical idea but could you and dh go out in the evening with your dd? They are really quite portable at that age and it doesn't last forever. Worth a try maybe?

It won't be like this forever. As they get older you do get your evenings back. Be kind to yourself though - you are allowed to grieve for your old life.

Bowlersarm · 15/05/2013 22:02

But it is all so new still, hardly any time at all.

I remember looking at DS when he was a few weeks old saying to DH 'fuck. What have we done?' Very unhappy despite the fact we had been ttc for a while, we were in our 30's and he was very much wanted.

It can be hard at first, and perfectly ok to mourn your past life pre DC.

It slowly gets better and better, and just becomes a lovely (but hectic) normality, honestly.

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 22:02

I feel awful saying it is like grieving... But it does feel like that Blush

OP posts:
miaowmix · 15/05/2013 22:03

it really is one of the last taboos - that you're meant to enjoy every moment of being a new mother, and babyhood. It gets better Smile

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 22:03

Thank you!!

I guess I have had 30 plus (ok almost 40) years without anyone depending on me for life and sustenance... 10 weeks is no time at all to get used to it.

OP posts:
DewDr0p · 15/05/2013 22:03

Fwiw I think this is quite a tricky time in new-parenthood - the initial euphoria has worn off and you feel shattered tbh. It does get easier as time goes on - you get more confident in yourself and crucially they sleep a bit longer at night.

Maybe try and catch up on some sleep this weekend?

SirBoobAlot · 15/05/2013 22:04

I think everyone feels this way at some point in time. It's a huge change. Nothing can prepare you for it.

As they get more fun (they're cute at newborn, but pretty dull...) you start to enjoy more and miss less. Promise!

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 22:06

DewDrop yes!! I also find I am missing the anticipatory excitement of pregnancy even though I had always thought I would hate being pregnant. Actually it was a lovely time even though I was worried a lot. I miss that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 22:08

Any ideas on how to communicate all this to DH without him worrying that I am depressed or that I don't love DD (neither of which is true, honestly, I have been depressed before and this isn't the same thing!)

OP posts:
CheeseStrawWars · 15/05/2013 22:09

YANBU.

But you will adjust. Like when you move house, its all new and its not "home" for a while but you get used to the landscape around you and somehow it becomes home. When you have a baby pretty much all your freedom and "you-ness" gets taken away, but you get it doled back out in bits and pieces as they get older. It will not always be like it is now. Especially when your DD gets older and has her own personality, you get back a lot more than you do when they're babies.

I hate the baby stage, from 9 months on things got better for me. Possibly coincidentally when DD started sleeping through... Broken nights make everything feel worse.

Bowlersarm · 15/05/2013 22:09

Could you show him this thread?

Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 22:11

Thanks cheese straw.
I only wish I had appreciated it all more at the time...
Of course I will be thinking the same thing about DD whn she is no longer a peachy little newborn but a miserable teenager...

OP posts:
Original poster
emeraldgirl1 · 15/05/2013 22:12

Bowlersarm, I could but he is terrified of MN Grin

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 15/05/2013 22:14

Oh!

TwinkleSparkleBling · 15/05/2013 22:16

I wish I'd had the courage to post something like this after DD1. I clearly remember sobbing to DH that I wasn't me anymore.

It took me about 6-7months to settle. First time I left her with gp I cried Blush

I am now OK with the new me. I still miss some of the child free things but the family things we do make up for that. Just as good but different.

The only thing I really yearn for is my career, it was my focus and I made the choice that I couldn't do both fully. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do anything differently but I still miss that part.

Good post OP Grin

DewDr0p · 15/05/2013 22:17

How would it feel to plan to go out for an hour with dh? Dinner is a bit of a commitment, but maybe a drink where you feel like you could leave at any stage would feel easier?

I'd be willing to bet good money you will enjoy it when you get there and I speak as someone who had to come inside the house from the really very small garden when ds was tiny because I missed him too much Grin

Or could you set up a date night at home this weekend? The worst that can happen is you end up with dd playing gooseberry Wink

chunkymonkeybaby · 15/05/2013 22:21

YANBU at all. I have a 7mo DD and lately I've really been missing my old life too. I love DD more than anything and she is the best thing ever but I miss having time alone with DH and being able to go for lovely meals out in the evening, I miss being able to afford more clothes and beauty products. I miss being able to sit in the quiet house in the day and have a cup of tea and watch Jeremy Kyle or Game of Thrones in peace Grin.

It's strange to think things won't ever be the same. But she's worth it and I think for me it is still quite early days of getting used to being a mum. It's a totally normal human trait to want to be selfish and do what you want to do at times so please don't feel bad for it. I try to remember that she won't always be so dependent on me and there will come a time when I'll miss the cuddles and and her wanting to be so close.

olgaga · 15/05/2013 22:24

emerald this really isn't uncommon. I also waited years to have my DD, and had a great life which I really missed terribly. I think if you leave it late there is so much to miss. I used to go to mums & toddler stuff and found I couldn't even talk about it because the other (much younger) mums would just look at me in amazement. It seemed like everyone else felt that having a baby was the pinnacle of their achievement, but it really didn't feel like that to me.

All the time I kept telling myself, like you are, how gorgeous DD was and how I loved her, how wonderful my DH was, how lucky I was - and it was all true - I really did know all that and feel it too. But then I would be in floods of tears wondering why the hell I wasn't happy.

I would talk to your HV/GP about it, but take a look at this website first. I had PND and couldn't admit to it for far too long. When I did finally get help I was really suffering, although I always managed to put up a good front I felt like I was dying inside. I only wish I'd got help years before I did, I could have avoided so much suffering.

Parajse · 15/05/2013 22:45

I feel exactly the same re turning down offers to have a night off because I don't want to leave DD, and she's almost 4!

I really wouldn't worry about it, it sounds perfectly normal. It does take a while to adjust to suddenly having a little person to look after 24/7, it's a huge change more or less overnight. As long as you're happy when you are with your DD and you wouldn't change her for the world, that's what's important.

(For the record, I do leave DD at her grandmas from time to time and go out for a night off, it gets easier to do it. But I don't think I did until she was almost 1.)

Cherriesarelovely · 15/05/2013 22:50

At the school where I work we are a very close little family of staff. If someone leaves it is a HUGE thing and we all get terribly sad about it and a little bit fearful. My old boss used to say "This is natural, it is called the bereavement of change". I think that is such a good description of that slight sense of loss that you are referring to despite the fact that your new life is also wonderful and fulfilling. Having babies is both of those things but it can also be boring, tiring, limiting, exhausting, etc etc. Don't feel bad at all.

JingleMum · 16/05/2013 00:00

Oh emerald, I remember this feeling well!! It's extremely normal & common to feel this way and it doesn't last forever. Before you know it, you won't miss DH anymore, because your daughter will be in a routine & sleeping through from 7pm and you'll have all evening just you & DH and wine and a takeaway

It gets to be so fabulous and fun as they get older (personally I think from age 3 is amazing) loads of family days out etc... and the older she gets, you'll have no problem leaving her with family every now & again so you and DH can go out, it'll come in time, don't worry.

You'll always miss aspects of your old life, but life as a family more than makes up for it as you'll see over the coming year, I promise. And bare in mind you DO get a lot of your life back as your child settles into a routine. You won't feel like this forever. Xxx

Haggisfish · 16/05/2013 00:46

I second taking her with you - I went out for dinner with my Bf and Mum when DS1 was 10 weeks old - he slept in his pushchair and I just fed him when he woke up and we bounced him round a bit - he wasn't a crying baby, so it was fine.

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