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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH about charging your children "digs"

76 replies

Whowouldfardelsbear · 15/05/2013 11:17

DH tells me that when he was thirteen and still in school his parents took some of his wages from his part time job (helping out on a milk round. This was the early 80s.) They actually took over half of it. DH says they didn't need the money at the time but it was their expectation that as a wage earner he contributed to household expenses.

I was aghast at this. My parents never took any of my earnings from my Saturday and evening work I did whilst I was still at school. This was my money to spend or save as I wanted.

I said that I would not expect our DC to pay keep if they do
any part time work while at school. He doesn't see what's wrong with it.

So who IBU here. Our DC are only 4 and 2 do the reality of this discussion is some way off for us yet.

OP posts:

Squitten · 15/05/2013 15:26

I wouldn't take money from under-18s, provided they were in full-time education. After that I would expect them to either go to university and get the hell out of my house or be working full-time and contributing.

MadeOfStarDust · 15/05/2013 15:31

With my folks it was if you are not at school, you pay your keep. So when I first started work I paid half my wages to mum - got me into good habits and I would expect the same from my kids once they left school if they wanted to stay at home.

starfishmummy · 15/05/2013 15:32

Sounds a bit harsh from 13. I got my Saturday job at 16 iirc and kept my wages - although I think my pocket money stopped.
Maybe taking some of a 13yo's wages and putting it into a savings account for them but not to help family finances unless there is a dire need.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 15/05/2013 16:03

No digs money while in full time education. The first full time job I got, it was 1/3 of take home salary into the pot.

TheSecondComing · 15/05/2013 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 15/05/2013 16:12

We were charged from being 16 and they stopped buying non essential stuff for us at about 14 (tampons being non essential ). Personally I think it's a bit shit but my rich parents were very into Thatcher and all that amassing wealth/greed is good bollocks.

Smellslikecatspee · 15/05/2013 16:19

Pay as you earn in our house

Expected to get job from 13, thought some of this would be chores.
No risk of not getting job as parents had own company. . .

1/3 savings 1/3 housekeeping 1/3 my own, saying that we were well paid, and Mum continued to pay for basics.

Smellslikecatspee · 15/05/2013 16:22

pressed send too early.

In exam years only chores were expected. Pay stayed the same. And when we turned 18 we were given a share which sounds like I'm rolling in it but actually was a few quid a month.

Still it gave us all a sense of working for the family and need to save.

Davsmum · 15/05/2013 16:22

My pocket money stopped when I worked part time in my teens which meant I was no better off as I got the same money for a paper round as I had pocket money previously.
I don't think it was unreasonable though.
My teenagers kept their earnings and took over buying their own 'stuff' when they had part time jobs.
When they got proper jobs - they paid towards the household.

schoolgovernor · 15/05/2013 16:31

My parents stopped paying me pocket money or buying me clothes apart from school uniform when I got my weekend job. That was when I was 15 and I left school at 17. My dad also marched me off to the Post Office once a week to pay part of it into a Post Office account, I think it was about a third. He did let me take it out when I left school though, it had been saved so that I would have some money to tide me over for travel etc before I got my first pay packet.
As soon as I was working in a full-time job I had a set monthly rent to pay, and I paid a 5th of the utility bills because there were 5 of us in the house. He would show me the gas bill or whatever and we'd settle my bit then.
I think there's a middle ground between being really mean and completely the opposite. Our children need to learn about the value of money, and how much it costs to live. I am really amazed at how many of my friends have young working adults living in their homes for free. Sometimes with a partner!

TruthSweet · 15/05/2013 16:32

Dh had to give half of his wage (weekend work in a shop) to his parents while he was at 6th form as 'keep'.

He also had to save half of what was left for uni and what was left was his. This mostly went on driving lessons and then fuel for the old banger he shared with his mum.

When he went to uni they gave it back to him to help him with books etc. as they had saved it for that purpose. They made him promise not to tell his younger brother as they were doing the same for him. This meant he had a nice sum to start his uni life off.

My brother gave my mum a nominal sum and he also gave me £5 pocket money (mum stopped giving me any then). I had two paper rounds from 13 but I then had to fund non school uniform clothing, going out and any food I wanted outside of my 3 meals a day. Mum only had a couple of cleaning jobs (one morning a week at a house kind) and a few shifts at a job which paid £2 an hour (this was in the mid 90s ) so there was very little money for fripperies.

TruthSweet · 15/05/2013 16:33

So you and your DH are both u and nu!

BackforGood · 15/05/2013 16:35

My older two have PT jobs and are still at school.
There's no way I'd take money off them. In fact, we continue their pocket money although by MN standards that's a very minimal amount. Otherwise where's the incentive to go and get a job, on top of your school work, if you don't benefit financially from it ?

I assumed before opening the thread, you were talking about grown children who had left school, in which case I would have agreed with your dh, but he's BveryU in this case

comingintomyown · 15/05/2013 16:44

Take money off a 13 year old ? The extremes you get on MN.

Still I am now feeling like a very generous parent which is unusual

fedupofnamechanging · 15/05/2013 16:46

I will never take rent from my dc - this is their home for as long as they want it. Once they are adult and working full time, if they live here I will expect them to contribute towards food/utilities, but never rent.

I think it is really mean to take money off a 13 year old - they are a child and parents have a legal and moral obligation to meet all their financial needs at that age. Money from a little Saturday job should just be to finance extras, not living expenses.

SusanneLinder · 15/05/2013 16:49

Nope-wouldn't take money of a 13 year old.Would only buy basics though and not give pocket money eg school uniform, basic clothing etc. All the fancy designer stuff they want would be paid by them. Toiletries would be included in family shopping. Unless they want designer shampoo at a fiver a bottle :o

Once left school, I would take a minimal amount dig money, depending on income.

FJL203 · 15/05/2013 16:49

I would expect my children to share the bills when they are earning a wage and out of education. I wouldn't take anything from them while they were merely earning money from a Saturday job/paper round etc.

jessjessjess · 15/05/2013 17:21

I don't get this thing of secretly saving it. Why not actually encourage them to save it and help them set up an account?

lottiegarbanzo · 15/05/2013 17:46

So for all those who would take money from them, what if they don't get a job while at school? What if they say it would affect their studies, or other valuable activities? What if one child has a job and another doesn't? Essentially, how do you force them to have a job?

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 15/05/2013 19:16

I left home at 16 so this didn't really become an issue for me. Parents ran a newsagent so I did all the paper rounds, don't remember being paid for this though, I suppose that was my contribution?

My rule with my own Dc is that any money they earn whilst in education is their own, although they're heavily encouraged to save some (ha!) and they pay for their own 'extras' over and above their food and essential clothing needs. I buy all toiletries in with household shopping but if DS wants a particular aftershave or whatever he buys it.But once they leave education they pay me 25% of their income for their 'keep', regardless of what they earn or how they earn it.

One of the most important things you teach your kids is that living costs money and you don't get a free ride. I have a friend who is horrified by the idea of adult kids who live at home being expected to help with household expenses, her view is 'But they're still your babies .

Her kids are going to have a horrible shock one day.

piprabbit · 15/05/2013 19:23

When I started my first job after uni, I was living at home with my parents. They charged me housekeeping money, not a vast amount but enough to make the point.

What I didn't know was that they put it all in a savings account and gave it back to me so I could furnish my first house when the time came. Lovely people that they are .

TheSloppelganger · 15/05/2013 20:20

I got my first job at 14 - which only paid a very small sum. I'd have been really peeved to have any of that taken off me if it wasn't necessary, and fortunately my parents wouldn't have dreamed of it.

Even at 16 when I started working 24 hours a week evening shift in a factory and earned a pretty decent pile of money my parents still didn't ask for a contribution (which I would actually have been okay with giving at that point) possibly because they knew I was saving a good chunk of that money rather than wasting it. I suspect if I had just been blowing it all they might have stepped in and taken a cut to save on my behalf.

It was only when I finished my degree and got my first full time job that my mother (quite rightly) announced it was time I started paying my way. But even then she didn't ask me to simply hand over money.

Instead, I was to go and choose and pay for all the groceries and household items and feed us nicely with what I had bought (and woe betide me if we ran out of fairy liquid or toilet roll either.)

So my wily parent not only got rid of their grocery bill, they got all the shopping done and their packed lunch for work, and evening meal made for them every day - and it taught me how to shop smart and meal plan so I could feed us decently for less money - and have more money left to save or spend for myself.

Shorter version: I would never expect a child still in FT education and only earning small sums to give any of that money to their parents - unless of course the family needed that money. There is plenty of time to demonstrate to kids that life isn't free - you don't have to start the second they start earning a few pennies.

bellablot · 15/05/2013 20:32

It's entirely up to individuals how they parent their children. It depends what school of thought you belong to also. IMO children should be taught about money and living expenses from a very young age. They should contribute to the home they live whether monetary or otherwise. What I don't think is right is for children to work, contribute nothing then spend £100 on a t-shirt to go out drinking, sending out the wrong messages but as I say, each to their own.

Plomino · 15/05/2013 20:46

I wasn't charged anything until I left school at 18 and got a full time job . My Saturday wages were my own , but I didn't get any pocket money as my parents were also paying to keep my horse .

DS1 now has a part time job , and his wages are his own . That said , when he worked every day over the Christmas holidays , he gave us petrol money to get him there as its in the next town and he doesn't drive, and public transport isn't available .

melika · 16/05/2013 09:16

I think as DC get older (and taking the proverbial piss) you are more inclined to charge them (never see them, treating house like hotel and you the chamber maid!).

But not at 13 years old.

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